I dislike you. No I actually fucking hate you. Every time I see you my hands squeeze into a fist and my finger nails leave scraps and lines. I cut my nails short so that shit doesn't happen anymore. Sometimes I wish you got hit by a car. But as soon at that thought comes into my head, I take it back and pray that it never happens. For some fucking reason I just think if your ass is here long enough one day we could go back to how we used to be.
Before the dating fucked up our friendship and when our hugs wasn't awkward or had to mean something. I'm not jealous I swear. If you're happy I'm glad but I know were both not as happy as we used to be or could be. When we crumbled neither of us have smiled since unless someone was looking at us. And that was four fucking years ago. Smiling during the day and crying at night.
I really don't remember why I cry at night. I don't even feel sad anymore. I've convinced myself I'm happy or I'm okay. So why late at night when everyone is sleeping I'm sniffing and clearing my throat with tears running down my eyes. I really think my heart is crying because my mind has pushed us to this rational point that our heart won't accept. I'm not sure if my heart is crying for you or for myself but I know I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of smiling when someone looks my way. I'm tired of pretending to be okay with everything and tired of pretending to be care free.
I worry about my friends
I worry that I might fuck up and not finish my dreams
I worry that someone will know why I cry
And I'm scared they'll never look at me the same way.
I'm tired of keeping secrets
I'm tired of playing sane
I'm tired of everyone moving and changing
And no one noticing I'm in pain