With him, everything was a calculated social move. Distant and cold to social society in a very social place, I hate social interactions with people who hadn't earned my respect. But, with him, it was always a calculated and strategic move. It was a battle of wits, not a battle of looks or physical strength.
Sometimes, it was so overbearing and unnecessary for me in my life. Before he came along, I didn't need to think about these things at all. I was happy in my little social circle of a select few I deemed able to keep up interacting with me.
Of course, I can agree that there is nothing wrong in a little social banter and battle of wits every now and then to keep a spark of interest in society at all. I mean, we hit up the bar to meet people anyway, not to sit by yourself and brood with our drinks. For me, it might be a few more than one drink at the bar before I felt like talking to people. Nothing wrong with that, everyone needed some healthy social interaction once in a while. Preferably, the little social interaction that I have should involve smart and handsome young men, not some greasy creeper.
Yet, that one night I went to the bar extremely drunk, my drunken radar picked up on you immediately. Seventy percent soft and one hundred ten percent strong, you were quite a sight to behold while I was depressingly drunk on a cold winter night. Talking to you through a drunken haze was quite easy, and you were literally and figuratively "very" warm to receive me.
I'm not actually sure when I began to feel more than friendly intentions for you (although friendly meant to me a lot more than what other people usually assumed was socially conventional), because I suddenly find myself missing you a lot and experiencing slight pangs of jealousy at moments where least expected.
I'm not supposed to like you. You are everything bad for me. You are neither the best looking man in the room, nor the fittest one. You are not the smartest man or the one with the highest salary. Yet, you are a social charmer and you draw the whole room to you with just one gesture. I can't help but be attracted to you. For someone, like me, who refuses to even participate in daily social interactions with those around me, it is amazing to see you pull out one move to grab the attention of the whole room. It is even more special that you could like me.
I am not the best looking girl in the room. I am neither the richest, nor smartest. I have no special talents or unique characteristics. I am sort of a plain Jane in a room full of princesses most of the time. But I guess you saw through that and found out that inside, I am a big princess too.
Is that why you grow distant? Is that why you don't seem interested anymore? Because the image I strive for is completely against the real me? Because inside, I am just as much of a flamboyant and sassy princess as all those other girls, and I love it. I wish that you'd stop pushing me away.
But then again, I am beginning to push you away too. It's because we've been seeing each other for too long. We are beginning to see each others' flaws. I see you just the way you are, a petulant Prince, just like every other boy in the room. But then again, what am I to expect? Just because you are a bit different doesn't mean shit in our situation. I'm not the usual, neither are you, yet we don't mesh. It is because we are experiencing a lull. It's like that little step in between big steps, and the child in both of us is pretty unwilling to take it.
"Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I am reminded of that little childhood OCD-induced phrase. You and I are both afraid to step further in case we step on that crack by accident, shattering our illusions. Although we hesitate to step on it for different reasons, it is also because we both don't feel like taking that step to the next level.
And so, I sit back here, and observe your every move, and every action, trying to guess your intentions and motivations. You act nonchalant, like it doesn't matter to you. And "to Hell if I care" is the message you put on your face.
You're right. I can't tell if it's your real expression or a fake one. It's because I have become insecure in my mind about what you want anymore, and what I want ultimately. It's a delicate game we play and I'm always willing to make the first move just to provoke you into action.
Right now, I'm trying to work up the nerve to make my next move, just to see what you will do. I'm curious, what if I do make that move by myself, without you by my side? Will you immediately step forward and man up with me? Or will you sit back and enjoy the view?
And to be honest, I am not sure I can tell which move you will make next either. Sometimes, I delude myself into thinking that I don't care.
But I do, I do care. Really. Really. Badly.
It's cause for once in my life, I am willing to take a giant leap of faith and just close my eyes, hoping that everything will straighten itself out when I finally open them.