With The Flow

Sometimes, when the opportunity arises and I'm in the mood, I go to the rocky beach of my city, to stare at the sky.

This place is particularly famous for the auroras that can be seen at night, so they attract a lot of tourists from foreign cities and countries.

I've always wondered what an aurora meant, aside of its physical explanation. It seems that God himself is trying to convey a message through them, like he's trying to make us remember about the beauty that exists in this earth. It also looks like the sky is bleeding, to a certain degree.

But I still don't know what it really means. Everyone can give it the meaning they want. They can take it from an empty or full perspective, if that's their wish.

However, from my point of view, I would like that angels came out from the aurora, with their wings and half-naked bodies and stuff, and just take humanity to a better place than this. One where you would see auroras every night, and you wouldn't have to worry about anything. You wouldn't need to lose sleep over an unrequited love, or a lost job. Because somehow, this world has taken a different flow than the one it once had. I know I'm being naïve, but everyone I knew when I was young seemed to be so happy. They all seemed to have something to look forward to. We all dreamt about being firemen, astronauts, or even rock stars at some point in our lives.

But then comes the flow of society, the one that changes your persona until you no longer recognize yourself. You just go with everyone else, hoping that you have something to show them, as if you're trying to prove that you deserve a place in this world. However, I think that we all deserve a place here in this earth, if we didn't, we wouldn't be here in the first place.

That's what I don't like. I hate it when people just go and follow the norms, and don't take the time to even look at themselves. However, I also think that it saves them the trouble of going through the emotional and spiritual problems that plague most people today. People like me, who are usually alone, thinking about philosophical stuff, and pretty much hating themselves over some lost love, or some guilt they've been carrying since God knows when.

Which reminds me of a guy I used to know back in the day. I never really got his name down, but I remember that I used to work with him in that dead-end job. He was very quiet, and he rarely spoke to anyone in his stay. I tried chatting with him once, but it never got past the superficial level. I think that I asked him how his weekend went and stuff. I don't recall his answer.

However, out of nowhere, he stopped going to work. No one really noticed but me and that new girl that came from the other side of the country. And come to think of it, now that I remember, it seemed that the girl had something for the guy. She always got pretty nervous when he walked by.

I wonder what really happened to him. I heard that he tried killing himself by drowning in the ocean, but some junkies that were passing by noticed him. From what I was told, they pulled him out of the water and took him to the hospital, and he's been there ever since. I wonder if he's still there. I wonder if the girl found him, and they began a relationship. I wonder if they were happy, even if they didn't find each other.

And I'm sorry, I'm getting a little side-tracked here, but that's what this place does to you. It makes you think about all the stuff and all the possible aspects that your life has.

What do I have?

I don't think I can answer that question for you. Lots of stuff have happened to me, but again, lots of stuff have happened to other people. Me telling you what I have won't make a difference at all.

But just for the hell of it, I'll tell. My life wasn't that interesting, really, until the day I met her. What can I say about her? She pretty much turned my life upside down, and she made me realize how stupid and disgusting and pathetic I can be. She was a whore, to say the least. Our relationship merely consisted on her pointing out things that she didn't like about me. She said I was too much of a pussy, and that I should "man up". Not even the sex compensated for her abuse. She would pretty much ignore me when we did it.

After some time, the sex was pretty much every eclipse. If it were every aurora… well, that would have been a lot better. However, she, as a sex machine, started looking for outlets to her desires behind my back. She would cheat on me with other women, effectively making her a bisexual bitch, and then she would argue that it wasn't technically "cheating", since there were no emotions attached.

And I, being the pathetic spineless wimp that I am, let it pass. I would let her do whatever the hell she wanted, and I took her constant verbal and emotional abuse.

Why didn't I leave?

I don't know. She was pretty much the only thing that I had. There was nothing more that represented me, aside from the fact that I was "the guy that was dating that hot, mean bitch". She had a thing for pathetic people I guess. It was only after she dumped me that I realized that she did it for sport. She would destroy lives of pathetic little guys like me, just to boost her ego. And I was one of them.

And what happened after that? Alcohol, as well as detachment of human interactions. I convinced myself that hell is other people, and that me getting close to them would just end up in me getting hurt. It's funny, really, what a girl can do to you.

However, I still cherish the ambiguous humanity that's left in me. The one that makes me smile when I see the sunset, or the one that's happy after his favorite soccer team won the game. I still like to get wet in the rain, as well as skip a day off work just to cuddle myself in the warm blankets of my bed.

Even if my life still keeps going downhill somewhat, I know that I still am a human being, and not a robot of society. Even if I hate myself for her, and still miss her touches or violent moans when we had sex, I still know that there is something out there that can make it all worth it. Like this aurora, up in the sky, accompanied by all the stars.

And sometimes I just want to go with the flow, like everyone else. To ignore the suffering and just numb myself into my work, and that's it. But I don't like that. I prefer feeling pain, because that pain makes me feel human. I choose hurt myself, because I can take that decision.

Maybe I'll eventually go with the flow, or maybe I won't, but one thing's for sure: I'll always come back to this place, and stare at this sky, to remind myself of what it feels to have a soul. And maybe I'll never understand what an aurora really means, but I am happy knowing that I can give it a different meaning each time I come here, and not just close myself to the scientific definition of it.

Just because I feel like it.

Written for the December FanBBS Competition.