First I heard about you was your late-night exploit
With my best friend's friend's boyfriend.
But then within a week of knowing you
I realized I wanted you to be my girlfriend.
And looking back, it's not that I regret
That you were,
for a moment,
for a minute,
For a lifetime as it seemed to me,
Or at least that what's I hoped it could be
I wanted you to be my Judas tree.
I wanted to grow with you.
For you to plant roots in my scars for me to hold onto
When the nights get dark and the wind gets cold
I wanted to be the only person you wanted to hold.
But your skeleton key just pried open my ribcage
And you stole what I would have given you.
I tried to give you every part of me you asked for
But you kept asking for more and more and
In the end, is it better to keep or lose
The one you love when they're making you choose
Between your self-worth and having a hand to hold
'Cause I lost both and now my hands are cold
And all I really wanted was to grow old
I wanted to give you the entire world to remember me by
But when you said you cared you couldn't look me in the eye.
So maybe I was just stupid 'cause I never saw the signs
I guess I was so happy I didn't read between the lines
But you hurt you me.
And maybe that's not a very eloquent way to put it,
But after weeks of crying there's nothing left to admit,
Cause frankly it's all shit,
'cause before you even told me that you wanted to commit
I was already one of many,
I hope you know you left me empty
'cause when you pour your entire life into someone else's heart
You give them the power to tear your world apart.
But still for some reason I feel like apologies are my place
Sorry I have problems that I can't just erase
Sorry I see the world a little differently than you
But I like the beauty that I see in it and how it at least is true.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm angry, too
I can't bring myself to say it, but I miss you.
I miss when you smiled that smile at me
And talked about all the things that could be
And would be and should be and might be
And you told me that you loved me even though it was frightening
And you were blinding in your beauty
And now you're caustic in your cruelty
And I just miss the times when you and I were happy.
I miss the walks that we used to take.
I miss when we didn't talk about breaks
And breakups and make-ups and fake-ups and fuck-ups and what a fuck-up I am.
I miss when you knew me and still thought I was perfect.
I miss when the only thing you'd expect
Was for me to hold your hand.
'Cause that's the kind of love I find too beautiful to understand.
And that's the kind of love I need
The kind where every night your hearts bleed
From wishing on stars to keep each other forever
And the stars hear you cause you're wishing for each other.
I want numb-nosed kisses in snow-falling silence
I want whispers and words free of violence.
I want secrets to never stay secret for long
And when the times get tougher we still stay strong
I need a love where I know I belong.
Maybe soon I'll be able to admit that I miss you.
Maybe soon I'll be able to say I forgive you.
Maybe soon I'll be able to say that I loved you.
And looking back,
It's not that I regret that I had you
For a moment,
That I lost you,
In a minute,
but that I never had the chance to grow with you
because your heart just wasn't in it.