I won't be home ever again, even for X-mas

Tristan thought he'd found the love of his life, but than he overheard a conversation on the subway…MxM

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.

Edited by Lisa, my dear friend and ff on the other side of the Atlantic. xoxo

So, I had to think of Def Leppard's 'Pour some sugar on me' the whole time while I was writing this; and I blame you Kolgrim for it. I ran out of 'Winter Doodle', so it's time to finish this story. I never wrote an X-mas story before; I blame Frank for getting on my sappy side. And I want to thank Kikichaka, Derek Hansen, basilisk6 and julliette, for your reviews. Thank you so much. Some of you asked me about 'Red Running Shoes'. I try to update this around Christmas too; it's my baby so to say, and I'm glad some of you liked this story too. And there is a poll in my profile page…

Enough with the babbling. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, and for those of you, who don't celebrate Christmas I wish you nice relaxing holidays.

I am very happy that this little X-mas story got so many hits the first day the final chapter was posted. Especially because the most of you read through the whole story. As an author I'd like to say that I'd have appreciated it though, if some of you had left a review, because feedback makes me a better writer and also motivates me to write. Just an afterthought.

Even for X-mas?

"So, where's your infamous Christmas hat?" Kara grins at me while she walks beside me.

"Don't talk about it! It's bad enough that I have to carry all your bags through the mall, or even that I have to be at a mall for Christmas shopping of all things, again," I grumble.

"Well, you shouldn't lose a bet then," she says patronizingly.

"That was a trap and you know it."

I have the strong feeling that she and Andreas allied themselves against me by agreeing on playing Skat. I hate German card games.

"Whatever, you're my official shopping slave for one day, so bear with it."


After what seems to me like hours, I couldn't contain myself any longer.

"Kara! I'm starving, my feet hurt, I'm beginning to develop a headache…..I need my coffee." I know I am whining, but I'm too exhausted to care anymore.

"Yeah yeah, I only have to go to this one shop over there. I need a pashmina shawl for my mom. Then I'm gonna feed you; it's the least I can do. And yes, you'll get your lifesaver, aka coffee. My treat."

Thank God. "Thanks Kara."

"It's just self-preservation; I know you, there would have been a slave revolt sooner or later."

I almost like this shop; it's one of those which provide comfortable chairs and couches for the shopping slaves. I go straight over to that area, drop all the shopping bags at once, and let myself fall into one of these comfy chairs. Awww, much better. Kara and the shop assistant are gushing over some ugly shawls. Really, the colors remind me of vomit. Ugh. I let my eyes roam over the things they sell here; gloves, shawls, ties, caps, hats…and then my gaze falls on a set of cashmere scarves. These are kind of sorted, a large, and a smaller one. The sign above says it's a father and son set. They must be desperate to sell the stuff; what a strange idea…While I hear Kara going on and on how wonderfully smooth and fluffy the shawls are, and that she just can't decide which one she should choose, my gaze continually falls back to the cashmere scarves. The set on display is bright red; they have also green, yellow, black and gray ones. Finally I can't resist, and go over to take a closer look. They have only one set in bright blue. It would so match their eyes.

"Can I help you? Are you maybe looking for a specific color?" The cheerful voice of another shop assistant almost startles me.

"I um… I'm just looking. Um… I like the bright blue set." What was that? Am I fucking serious?

"Oh, we have one in this color, somehow the manufacturer supplied only this one blue set." He says apologizing.

Only one, nah I don't believe in fate, I'm not superstitious. "Okay, I'll take it." Huh?

"Shall I gift wrap it for you?"

"Um…yes, that would be nice."

I can't believe it; I just bought a Christmas present for Peter and TT. That must be from the lack of food or something. I watch with rapt attention how the shop assistant almost artistically wraps the two boxes; in matching gift wrapping of course, a little box and a larger one. It somehow reminds me of Mr. Bean in the movie, 'Love Actually'. Just when the guy is finished, Kara comes over, looking curiously at the two presents.

"So, what did you buy? I thought you said you had everything ready?" She looks first at me and then at the shop assistant.

"Um, just a spontaneous idea I had…." Please don't tell her what I bought; please don't tell her what I bought. I look at the shop assistant pleadingly.

"Santa's secret," he smiles. Phew!

"Didn't you say something about food? I'm starving!" I think a proper diversionary tactic is in order.

"All right then; don't tell me!" She huffs and walks briskly out of the shop.

"Kara! Wait! I haven't paid yet!" Sometimes she really is easy to annoy…

"I'll wait for you at the food court."


Finally. I'm just about to take a huge bite out of my pizza, when Kara asks "So, what is it now with you and Peter?"

I almost choke on my pizza. "What?"

She looks at me as if she'd just asked me how I like my eggs or something, an easy enough question to answer, even for me. "Come on Tristan. You've seen him again, I've been told; after five years. So why did he want to speak with you?"

"He wanted to talk."

"Really now? And about what?"

"He wanted to explain the things, which happened five years ago."

"And?" She prompted.

"And what?"

"Tristan, don't be so difficult. Did he, or better could he, explain everything to you in a satisfying way?"


"On?....Tristan! Quit being so frustrating!" Kara exclaimed.

"Kara, I don't want to talk about it, okay? I can understand now why he did what he did, but I don't agree with his reasoning. So…"

"Did he apologize to you?"


Do you believe him?"


"Does he have someone new?"

"I don't think so…no, actually he said he's looking for someone to share his new life with." I explained.

"Did he want to reconcile?"

"I think so."

"And?" She again prompted.

"Kara, if you don't stop it right now, you can look for someone else to carry your stuff around. I said I do not want to talk about it anymore, so just quit it!"

"You're awfully sensitive on this subject; so, if you ask me, I don't think this is the end of the matter yet. Honestly, I think you still have feelings for him. I'm just saying. "

"If you say so. Can I have my coffee now; I need to get over this day very quickly, and get rid of you and your annoying questions," I snap at her.


Standing in front of my dining room table, I look down at the two piles of presents. One I totally agree with, and one I can't believe I bought.

I unwrapped the present I won at the toy store yesterday; it's the Captain, I don't know how it's called thingy, Peter mentioned. At least I think so, because I looked it up on the internet and everybody said it's sold out. I could get an unbelievable amount of money for it, if I sell it on eBay. But somehow I can't do that; Peter said it was TT's only wish for Christmas; maybe I'll send it to him anonymously.

I walk into the kitchen; I have to prepare the cookies and the cake for the afternoon. Andreas, Kara and Prof. Brunelli will come over for our annual Christmas get together. This year it's at my place. My thoughts go back to TT.

His only wish for Christmas, if he'd only knew. Ha! I have a distinct feeling what Peter's, and therefore also TT's, Christmas wish is. Peter made this very clear. Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

"Honestly, I think you still have feelings for him. I'm just saying." I can still hear Kara's words. Usually she knows me quite well, but this time? She's plain out wrong! I slam the cupboard closed. I have to solve this problem once and for all.

So, how do I usually determine what I want, when I have one option too many? I imagine I couldn't have it. Or, no even better, I imagine somebody else would have it. Yes. All right, Peter has somebody else; he takes long walks with him in the park; they're holding hands, they kiss and Peter caresses his back, his hands on his…ugh. I feel like throwing up. I…don't like this option at all.

I have to sit down on a kitchen chair. Fuck! I'm jealous. I can't believe it, I'm jealous because of a guy who doesn't even exist! At least I hope he doesn't exist. Um…

And then I remember all the things we did together, like me lying on the couch in Peter's arms watching a movie. Or when we worked together at our home office, I'd be studying, he'd be going over a case. We'd be doing different things, but it was nice being together. Or shopping at the mall. I hate shopping, but with him it was fun. Or when he teased me with my flavored coffee obsession, but bought me some of the strangest coffees I've ever tasted anyway. Like this blueberry-vanilla, ugh, but somehow, in a strange way, it was good.

So, how would it be, being together with him again? Would it be as it was? Or would it be better? He's much more in tune with himself now; he can represent the people he always wanted to represent, he's finally out to his family, and he has TT. And he still wants me. And I said no. That's it, I said no. And how should this work out anyway; he has his law firm over there; I work for the university here. It's a four hour drive by car, at least. I have to be reasonable, we moved on with our lives; all that is left are memories.


"Can we finally open the presents now?" Kara jumps up and down on the couch like a three year old.

Andreas grins "She thinks she's getting presents, how funny."

"Hey! I can see there are some for me; why would they lie by my place, if they weren't for me? And it's not my presents I'm curious about." She looks at me pointedly. Huh?

All right. One, two, three, UNWRAP!" I'm back in kindergarten, or elementary school…

I grab a large box, which is surprisingly light. Everybody looks at me.

"Don't you have some presents to unwrap too?" I ask them, a little bit unsettled by their looks.

"Oh yes, of course!" Andreas starts to unwrap his Lego box. "Oh shit! Are these all the Clone Wars figures? Oh man!"

When I open my box, there are two other boxes inside, one with a No. 1, and one with a No. 2. I take the box with the No. 1 written on it, and shake it carefully. Nothing. Hm. When I look up, everybody is watching me again. "What?"

"Nothing." They answer in unison.

I open the box and find an envelope. God, somebody likes suspense a little too much for my taste. I open the envelope and find a copy of a map. There is a route marked, from here to …

"What's this?" I ask, holding up the sheet.

"That my darling," answers Kara, "is the way to your happiness. We could no longer stand all the sadness in your eyes; all those failed attempts to move on. After you talked to Peter, there was no closure as some of us hoped there would be," and here she looks at Andreas, "but if it is even possible, there's more sadness. So, this is our Christmas gift to you: I'll drive you with Andreas' car to Peter. Prof. Brunelli booked a room for you in a small, but comfy hotel nearby, just in case. You have no say in this by the way, so shut up, pack your things, and don't forget the presents you already bought for Peter and little Tristan." Here she actually winks at me. "Oh, and you might want to open the second box."

"But I don't know Peter's address."

"That is already taken care of; I charmed his secretary…his male secretary…."


"No butts, open the second box."

When I open the box with the No. 2 written on it, I blush. There are white boxer shorts, with a naked Santa pictured on the front, who wears only his…friggin' Santa hat. I also find some Christmas flavored condoms. What the fuck is Christmas flavor? And cinnamon lube.

"Um, don't you think you're a little presumptuous?"

"No." This unison thingy again…

"And don't forget this cute Santa hat of yours…," the professor grins.


So, that's why I'm standing on Peter's porch right now, hearing the bell ring somewhere in the house. My hands are shaking, and on closer inspection, my knees too.

"Coming!" Was that Julie's voice?

Obviously, because by now she's standing in front of me, looking at me; scrutinizing me.

"Aren't you the Santa guy from the mall?"

But before I am able to answer her question, Tristan stands in the doorway too.

"Santa? Are you here for daddy's Christmas wish? You are, aren't you?" he squeals.

Julie looks from me to Tristan and back. "What is he talking about?"

Um, can I maybe come in? Oh and is Peter at home?"

"No, he isn't here; he's out with Adrian. That's why I am here, duh!" Why do I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach now?

"Come in Santa. Where is your hat?" Tristan grabs my hand and drags me into the living room. There is a beautiful lit Christmas tree, with lots of presents already underneath.

"Do you want to stay here until Peter is back? Julie suddenly asks.

"Um, yes I think so."

"Oh great! Can I go then? You'll watch Tristan?"

"Okay, no problem."

I haven't finished the sentence yet when she's already out the door.

"Do you want some cookies?" Tristan looks at me expectantly.

"Oh yes, that would be great."

When he goes to the kitchen to get us some cookies, I quickly slip the presents under the tree. It's easy to spot where Peter's and where Tristan's presents are. There is a third pile too, but I can't read the name on the presents, because Tristan comes back with a plate of cookies.

"Here, try these; they have chocolate chips and walnuts; I helped daddy make them."

"Hmm, they're good, no delicious. So, your dad makes cookies now?"

"Yes, and he cooks too."

"Wow. I'm impressed. So what are we gonna do now?"

"Could you read some Christmas stories to me?" He looks at me with pleading eyes.

"Sure. I love reading Christmas stories."

I settle myself on the floor in front of the couch, and Tristan crawls in my lap, a book already in his hands.

We sit there for like an hour or so, Tristan snuggled in my chest, almost asleep, when I hear the front door open. I look up and see Peter and a small, gorgeous looking blond guy standing in the doorway of the living room, holding hands. Suddenly there is an ice block in my stomach.

Peter looks at me unbelievingly. "Tristan?"

"Um, hey Peter." I look at the blond guy.

"Oh, Adrian, this is Tristan. Tristan…Adrian." So, one question answered, two actually. Who said, you know what you want when you can't have it anymore?

"So, this is him huh, the infamous, fabulous, unbeatable Tristan?"

"Yes." Peter answers.

"So, are you planning on staying?" asks Adrian.

I look at Peter. "If he wants me to…"

"Well, I was only second choice huh; I knew this. I had my chance, but I screwed it up. You're smarter, obviously, Tristan.

"Adrian…" Peter says regretfully.

"No, no, it's okay. It doesn't seem right anyway; it felt like I borrowed you. He owns you." He looks at me "Don't you dare hurt him. He suffered too much already."

"No, no I deserved it."

"Well. Merry Christmas you two, and I mean it." With that, Adrian turns away and leaves the house quickly.

Little Tristan looks at us with big, blue eyes.


"Um, what do you think TT, do we invite Santa here to celebrate Christmas with us?"

"Does he have time then, since he has to deliver the presents and all?"

"Oh, I'm already done; you were the last on my list."

Oh. Cool. Let's watch a Christmas movie, then you cook dinner dad, and then you read some more stories."

"Sounds like a plan, what do you think…love?"

Love? Oh shit, don't cry Tristan, don't cry.

"Um, sounds good to me." I sniffle.

While Peter rummages through the movies, TT suddenly whispers in my ear, "Do you think you can grant dad his Christmas wish?"

I look at Peter. "I think I can do that."

"Yes! Dad will be happy again? He has a picture of you in his nightstand drawer; I saw it when he forgot to lock it up two days ago. He told your picture his Christmas wish right? He couldn't come to you to the mall. And because you're Santa, you could hear it?"

"Yeah, something like that, I was a little deaf though the past few years, but I finally got it, I think."


A very excited TT is finally tucked in bed. He circled the tree several times already this evening, and tried to guess what's in the boxes. He can't wait to see what Santa got for him.

"Good. Finally daddy can kiss Santa Claus," Peter grins at me and pulls me beside him on the couch. "And, maybe unwrap one single present, pretty please, Santa?"

Suddenly I have to think of the second box I got from my friends.

"Yes, I think that's allowed, but I have something to do first. Can you show me the way to a bathroom please?" God, did I just say that?

Peter grins at me. "Sure, if you would follow me?"

I grab my duffle bag and close the bathroom door behind me. There was some Christmas flavored body wash too somewhere. I really want to know where Kara got all this stuff from. Or maybe not…

After showering; I think I smell like an overgrown Christmas cookie, I slip in the Santa boxers and looking down at myself, promptly blush, then I pull on a fresh pair of jeans and a red button down shirt. No socks; Peter has under-floor heating, yay. I slip the condoms in my jeans pocket, together with the small tube of lube. Am I really doing this? This isn't me; it's all Kara's fault.

When I open the door, Peter is sitting on the bed waiting for me. I go over to him and he pulls me near him, until he's burying his face in my stomach.

"Hm, you smell good. I always imagined Santa would smell like cookies." With that he starts to unbutton my shirt and places small kisses on my on my exposed skin. He nibbles at my hip bone and suddenly dips his tongue in my belly button.

"Ngh, Peter…don't you think we should talk first…ngh, ahh …Peter!"

He looks up at me. "I am yours, are you mine too?"

I look down into those beautiful, blue eyes. "I'm yours; I was and I will always be yours."

"Good, that said, let me continue with unwrapping my present."

When he finally finishes unbuttoning my shirt, his hands find my belt. He opens it slowly while licking and nibbling at my stomach again. He lets his hands roam my chest; his thumb nails graze my nipples. Then he finds his way back to my jeans; he opens the buttons and pulls them down. Then he sees my boxers.

"Awww, how cute. Where did you find these?" He starts to nuzzle his face in naked Santa…

"It was a Christmas present, ngh ohhhh Peter…"

"For you, or for me?"

"I think for both of us…"

"Whom do we have to thank then?"

"My friends, Kara I think bought this together with some other stuff…"

"Some other stuff?" He starts to pull down my boxers and then I can feel his warm mouth around me.

"Oh my God, Peter….oh how I missed this." My legs start to give out from under me.

He lets my dick pop out of his mouth. "I'm your God now huh? Interesting…" He takes me back in his warm mouth again, and I have to hold on to his shoulders to not sway too much.

Finally he lets his hands roam over my chest again, and slides my shirt off all the way. His hands caress my back down to my hips. When he reaches my jeans, he pulls them all the way down, together with my boxers. I step out of them and lie down on the bed, lean over and pull his shirt over his head. I have to struggle with his pants, but finally he's lying naked beside me.

While he runs his fingertips up and down my sides, he suddenly asks "So, where is this other stuff you talked about?"

"In my left front pocket."

Peter grabs my jeans and rummages around until he finds the condoms and the lube.

"Honestly? Christmas flavored condoms and cinnamon lube?" he asks unbelieving. "Let me guess…Kara?"

I blush "Yup."

He gets back beside me, and I lean over to kiss him, my tongue licks at the edges of his mouth. When he opens up, I plunge my tongue in his mouth. Hm, I'm not the only one who tastes like cookies. Then he almost throws me on my back. I look at him surprised. "You're my Christmas present, right?"

"Yeah…?" I answer questioningly.

"Good. I want to make love to you, caress you, kiss you, bite you, lick you, and take you until I can really believe you're mine again. Is that okay with you?"

I can only nod.

He crawls on top on me and does exactly as he promised. When he finally stops, I lie in his arms, a panting quivering mess. He rolls the condom on his penis, and applies the lube. The smell of Christmas cookies is intoxicating!

"Ready love?" I nod. I can feel him at my entrance, and I try to relax as much as I can. When he slides into me, I feel pain. He stops.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, just slow it down a bit; it's been a while…"

He smiles when he hears my words, and I smile back. He obviously likes the fact that I haven't been with anyone in awhile.

Peter starts pushing again, and it's better now. "Oh Peter…" I moan, as I wrap my legs around his waist.

He starts thrusting into me now, first slowly, then faster and harder.

"Tristan.." he pants, "oh my God Tristan, I missed you so much…" I can feel sweat running down his body when I let my hands run over his muscled back. How could I ever think I could live without this man?

When he grabs my erection I know I can't hold it much longer.

"Peter…ahh …I can't …." and with that I spill myself between us. He thrusts some more, and suddenly goes rigid. I feel his seed explode inside me. He lets himself fall beside me, and I snuggle against him. When we can breathe again, he throws the condom in the garbage bin beside the bed.

"Shower?" I ask?

"Yeah, good idea; TT will probably wake us around six, so it's better we shower now."

After the shower I put my Santa boxers back on, I wore them like thirty minutes at the most after all. Peter wears bright red boxers with 'Holiday Delight' printed on them. When I look at him questioningly, he only shrugs.

"You're not the only one with adequate holiday clothes."

"Clothes, huh?" I grin.

He suddenly looks at me very seriously "Tristan, I love you so much…I can't believe you came back to me; that you gave me a second chance."

I nuzzle my face in his shoulder, take in his smell, then I lift my face and look at him. "Everybody deserves a second chance. And I learned something while I was away from you. I can live without you, but only barely. I wasn't happy; a life without love isn't really living; it's more like existing. I love you Peter; you are the love of my life."

We lie in each others arm, until we fall asleep.


"Daddy, wake up! I want my presents; it's Christmas Day!" Then TT looks at us, finally registering me in his dad's bed. "Why is Santa sleeping in your bed daddy?"

Peter looks at me a bit flustered, but I answer "I gave daddy his Christmas present."

TT looks first at me, then at Peter. "Daddy wanted you for Christmas?" I nod.

"Will you not go back to the north pole then, but stay with us?"

"Yes, but you can't tell anybody, okay?"

"I won't. Can I get my presents now?"

"Of course go ahead already; we'll follow in a minute." And with that, he is out of the door.

Peter looks at me. "Care to explain that to me?"

"Tristan's only Christmas wish was that Santa grants his dad the wish he had for years. He saw you looking at a picture in the drawer of your nightstand, saying 'I only wish…'


I kiss him deeply "Merry Christmas love."

The end