Brothers

by Font Bookfarthing

Once upon a time, His Majesty King Bulger, ruler of the kingdom of Kartuputka welcomed a delegation to his castle from the nearby kingdom of Spoonwaggle. Now King Bulger was a horny little olibraddle. And upon seeing the lovely shape of the princess of Spoonwaggle, he paid a nocturnal visit to her where he knew her. And she went back home the next day with the others of Spoonwaggle with his seed inside her... growing.

Around the same time, King Bulger's wife gave birth to a bouncing baby boy who would one day grow up to lead the people of Kartuputka. And they did name him Bullo after a court jester of whom they had both been particularly fond.

And several months later in the kingdom of Spoonwaggle, where they weren't too sure about how biology worked, the princess gave birth to an equally bouncing baby boy, who would grow up to lead the people of Spoonwaggle. And they did name him Ginglegar... as they were rather drunk at the time from celebrating his birth.

And as the years passed, the two boys grew up in their different homes, not even aware of the other's existence.

And then a social difference erupted between the two kingdoms. And all the people on both sides were greatly pissed off about it.

The people of both kingdoms were ordered to gather out in a field and beat the shit out of each other. And after accomplishing this, they went back home again at nightfall accomplishing only a lot of bruising and a bit of bleeding. In fact the doctors were the only ones who gained anything by this sampronious nonsense. And the social differences which had sparked off the fighting remained. So the fighting continued.

And then one day during the fighting, tempers flared just a bit too much. And armed with a broom which had a broken end and was therefore rather sharp, a fighter of the kingdom of Spoonwaggle stabbed a fighter of the kingdom of Kartuputka. And blood did squirt out all over the place, making an awful mess of things. And the fighter leaking blood did fall over and die.

And as soon as King Bullo of Kartuputka heard of this, he ordered some of his own men to actually kill during the next fight... which they did.

And of course King Ginglegar of Spoonwaggle was ready for this, and had troops standing by with sharp spears of their own.

And when the next fight came, it very quickly escalated into the bloodiest fight the lands had ever known... up to that point, anyway.

And yet that was still not enough for the kings. Seeing more of their people killed, they wanted to kill even more of their new enemy.

And King Bullo obtained the help of several snow gorillas, twice the size of ordinary hoominians. And King Ginglegar recruited an actual monster. Twenty feet tall, with one giant eye, and two savage horns on his head. And scariest of all, the monster frequently shouted profanity! And King Ginlglegar was feeling very smug indeed. And he did shout, "Those from Kartuputka won't know whether to cover their ears or to brandish their weapons!"

But the night before the next fight, a little bird came into the camp of King Bullo, and said unto him, "Hey, your majesty. What's up with you killing your brother's people like that?"

"Sayeth what?" the king demanded.

"King Ginglegar is your brother. And I've been up in one of the nearby tree watching all this fighting going on... and most distressing it is too. And it just struck me as rather weird; you guys always fighting each other, when in fact you're brothers. I thought you didn't like killing your own kind."

"Art thou sure of your facts?"

"Of course," said the little bird, somewhat offended. For it was widely known that little birds knew virtually everything.

And King Bullo took a moment for his tiny mind to absorb the facts.

And the little bird flew into the camp of King Ginglegar and gave unto him the same information.

And when dawn broke the next morning, instead of fighting, the two kings, each followed by a crowd of their subjects, went out into the field and embraced in a manly, kingly way. And so they made peace and brought about an immediate end to the fighting.

"Hang on," someone from the crowd protested. "So like, just because you guys are brothers, we ain't gonna fight anymore?"

The brothers smiled. "Wouldst thou rather we continue to fight, you absurd person in the crowd?"

"No, you royal butthole!" retorted the person in the crowd who didn't take kindly to being called absurd, especially when he knew for a fact that the person whom he was addressing was the absurd one. "I'm just thinking how bloody stupid you two were in the first place for making us all fight! It shouldn't matter if you're brothers or not!"

"Oh, shut up and be grateful the fighting is over," his friend Sam whispered.

And they all lived happily ever after... except for the man in the crowd who was now convinced that all leaders were idiots... and gave himself an ulcer worrying about it.