No home no life no love
No stranger singing in your name
Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Dear God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell, heaven can wait
Long Road to Ruin – Foo Fighters
There's another platinum trophy on the wall. I don't even know for which country. I don't even know who put it there. Don't they know I don't care?
I can't remember the last time I slept. With the right mix of chemicals, everything is possible. I see me on the couch, the blinds are closed, the room is dark. I cannot see outside. My eyes are closed anyway.
I watch the pale pink color of the sunrise, above the leafless trees in the valley, stubbornly black in the blue mist.
Everything's so quiet. So cold. So calm. So beautiful.
---
I've read an article on the Freudian slips in my lyrics. Well written. But meaningless.
Man, I sweat blood to come up with that melody. I sweat blood to sing it the right way. I bloodied my fingers to get the right sound from the guitar. I was up on speed for three days to mix it correctly. Imagine the aftermath. Imagine the crash. Just so you can enjoy yourself and dance on it.
And you spend your time trying to find a subtext? On just one verse in one song? And the fans love your articles?
What kind of fans are they? What are they fans of?
---
Taylor showed me that facebook thread. That guy berated his friend for liking Fred's voice. Called him gay. And used me as a manly example.
Sometime, I wish I was gay.
---
On the plane, Dave was on the seat next to me.
That coincidence. Any journalist would have looked out for blood. Why? It's not his fault if his singer is an asshole.
Even that shouldn't be a problem if the music is good. The audience doesn't have to know. Why do they want to know? They're just here to party.
In the end, we're just entertainers. When we die, that's all we'd have been.
Why more? Worship isn't going to make you less mortal.
That was a nice conversation. He's a nice man.
---
We've had an outdoor show. It was so cold I couldn't feel my hands. I was sure I sounded like crap. And my guitar wouldn't stay in tune.
I ended up detuning it and screaming off-key. The crowd took it like a divine call to transgression. Nobody to call it bullshit.
The band played the song as tightly as in the studio. Perfect. I've rarely felt so alone.
---
I used to be terrified by death.
I used to become a Christian. I didn't want my conscience to stop. I wanted my soul to last forever, in one form or another. Born again, as they say.
I thought that if I wanted it enough, it would be true. I thought that if I said it enough, I would believe it.
Death would be so easy, if my soul could survive. Just take the gun and click. Reset.
---
What's up tomorrow? I don't remember. What day are we today? Am I missing a show? Are they waiting for me?
---
They killed Tia.
Why shouldn't a girl rock? Why shouldn't she feel sexy? Why could I be a star, and her just a slut?
Maybe her murderer is listening to my songs in his prison cell. Maybe he really enjoys them. Maybe he thinks he loves me.
I feel sick.
---
I remember Mike handing bottles out from the stage so the teenagers could party with them.
Nobody to over-analyze the gesture. Nobody to find a drug apology in the lyrics. And believe me, the pills he's talking about are not aspirins.
They just partied.
---
With whom do I want to party? Who do I love?
I am nobody to them anymore. Just a step to stardom.
Where's Tatiana now? Does she know I still love her? Even after she threatened to kill me?
Do they all know I love them? Do they know how I wish we'd still live in the same world?
---
When is some angry manager going to wake me up? And why should I obey? Why should I continue?
This road is not the one I want to follow. I turned right at the wrong crossing. I want to backtrack.
---
Maybe Sarah does love me. She was sure happy to play with me.
But does she know I love her? How often does she sees me? I'm sure she doesn't even understand what Dad's supposed to mean.
That's all right. Children don't have to love their parents. That's the parent's role to love them. I love her.
---
How far is this highway going? Where's the next exit?
---
The gun is waiting.
It's so easy.
Just one click.
Reset.
Thanks to Xenolith for the beta-reading!