Summary: Rxill, an officer of the Pan-Galactic Council Police who dreams of only culinary fame, ends up on the run from the law after a SPAM-mat accident causes him to switch bodies with Sam, the illegal alien he had been attempting to arrest under the Invasive Alien Species Act.

A/N: So, I read a lot of sci-fi & fantasy, but have never attempted to write it. This idea popped into my head, so I decided to start it. I hope that I can be original, but after reading so many others stuff, I'm sure some originality has been lost. Hopefully not too much.

This is mainly sci-fi/humor and i didn't plan on it, but i'm such a sappy sod, that it will have romance... i couldn't avoid it. so much so that i had to move it from the sci-fi section to the romance section....

Warnings: This is mainly M for cursing… otherwise, it'd be T for violence and references to drugs, sex, and other naughty things.

Chapter 1


In which Sam Learns that Even Aliens are Against Illegal Immigration and Rxill Learns that Having Only One Head Seriously Depletes his Common Sense

"I suppose this is part of standard procedure?"

"Ah, not as such, no. The Pan-Galactic Council Police tends to disapprove of such occurrences."

"Bully for the blokes at the PCP."

"Is it permanent? I think I could adjust to the extra appendages. It's the having my brain split in two that's disconcerting."

"Yes well, at least you have ample room for your thoughts. I don't have enough space in here to think. Your species is rather dumb, isn't it?"

"Not dumb enough to mess up a simple… ah, what was that?"

"SPAM Mat- a Subatomic Particle Apparition and Materialization Mat."

"Spam? Seriously."

"Oh, I am entirely serious. I would never jest without giving the recipient of my humor proper warning."

"I can see why you chose this profession then."

"I did not choose. All my post-collegiate career aptitude tests said that law enforcement was the best career path for me, and so that is what I was assigned to do by the government of my home planet."

"Was there a second option?"

"A bezlebrug."

"Oh, I see. Is that a lucrative profession?"


"What does a bezlebrug do exactly?"

"It is illegal to say aloud past 14:00 hours, unless in the company of two m-."

"I see. Perhaps you made a wise choice."

"I don't know. I've always dreamed of being a chef, but my mother would never hear of it. "

"Well, the two extra arms would definitely help in that regard."


"Nevermind… So, why am I arrested again?"

"For trespassing in the Flure sector of the AEnX galaxy. As part of the Invasive Alien Species Act passed by the Pan-Galactic Council, species are confined to their assigned sections of the universe-"

"I swear, I'm not an alien! Look, I had just gone round to Freddy's apartment on Grace St.-"


"In Chicago…"




"United States…"


"Planet Earth?"


"Milky Way?"

"A yes, the milky way. That's about five galaxies down from here."

"I had just gone round to Freddy's Apartment in the Milky Way Galaxy, spent a nice evening snogging on his sofa, and fell asleep. I swear, I didn't decide to go invade another planet and I didn't hijack some Martian's shuttle-"

"I should hope not, those are very serious offenses."

"Look, I honestly don't know how I ended up at that restaurant or truck-I mean, spaceship or whatever-stop back there. I spent a blissful evening macking on my boyfriend and woke up in a booth with you standing over me. And now, I am stuck in your body with all these awkward, unnecessary limbs and I feel like I'm schizophrenic with my thoughts split into two brains! And, AND, I'M GETTING BLOODY ARRESTED?! WHAT THE HELL?!... I don't even do the type of drugs that'd cause a trip like this!"

"I need you to stop shouting, I have uni-species tranquilizers that deliver non-lethal, but effective doses to over 2 million life-forms. If you aren't one of those 2 million species, which is quite possible, given how far from your assigned sector you are, I also have the Standard 3.4 AV Lazer Gun that all active members of the PCP are equipped with."


"… oh, bugger."

A/N: This thing won't be only dialogue the whole time. Just felt like it this chapter.

And apparition is totally a word that rowlings uses in HP, but using disappear wouldn't spell spam, now would it & this could be in the future, where HP is so epically well known across the cosmos that the vocabulary has been incorporated into the culture. Who knows?