Sitting on my bed, legs stretched out in front of me. Everything is normal. Expect for the knife in my hand. The heavy black handle with the blade folded into it. This would be fine, of coarse, if it wasn't me holding it. If my pant leg wasn't pulled back. If my hand wasn't shaking.
I flip open the blade and look at it for a few minuets. Thinking of only how sharp it is. Thinking of only how much damage it can do. I press it to my leg, just trying to make a cut at first. Only lines come. Not deep enough to draw blood. I move down my leg a bit and there I try to carve one word into my skin. BITCH. I did this remembering the pain I caused my friend.
Only some cuts through deep enough. But that's good enough for the night. I fold the knife back in and set it down then turn over and fall asleep.
The next morning my dad wakes us up. "We're going to shop for your moms Christmas stuff." He tells us. As I walk through the mall, my cut stings under my camouflage pants. It reminds me what I did. It shows me how to hide it, but still feel the pain of the wind whipping against it. It teaches me.
Christmas comes. I don't cut for a while. I smile instead. Not a fake smile. Not a dark one. But a real one. I laugh too. A real laugh. I wish that those moments last forever.
But they don't. The feelings come back. The feeling of complete worthlessness. It hits me hard. And I cut again.
I once again pull back my pant leg. My small cuts from before are healing. I flip open my knife again. The heavy handle clicks, telling me the sharp blade is locked into place. I don't wait this time. I cut. FAT this time is cut into my leg. Only some cuts through my skin. But more this time. And deeper. I know because it starts bleeding. It stings as it bleeds. And as it stings I lean back and think about everything.
Who cares anymore? Dose Liza? Lauren? Are they still my friends? Lauren has Tanner who she's always talking to. Unless there fighting. Then she'll talk to me. Nonstop. Then she seems to care. Then she seems to tell me everything. I know in a matter of minuets, she'll go back. She'll talk to Tanner.
Liza. She seems like she cares. Really she dose.
The blood is still there, but the bleeding has stopped. I look at the cut. Red blood had come from it. So it wasn't that deep. But deeper than before.
A smiled curled onto my lips at the sight of blood. I was happy to be cut. Happy I could see my pain. And others could too. Happy to know it was in fact real.
I get a tissue and wipe the blood so my parents can't find out. Then, as I did before, turn over and go to sleep.
The next day, Liza comes over. I'm excited for this. She doesn't get here until around six but that's ok. Or at lest I think so..
All seems normal at first. Our parents talk for a bit, then her mom leaves and we run upstairs. I give her the story I wrote as a gift for her to read. All is well. All is normal. Until she finds out we have Black Ops.
A game. My brothers got it for Xbox but I don't know how to play. So I watch her play with Logan, feeling left out, but knowing I'd get over it. I don't though. Instead I stand and walk back over to my laptop. I open up and pop in my Waking The Fallen CD that I had just gotten from Liza. I drown my feeling the way I do when I cant drown them with blood. With singing, Synyster Gates on lead guitar and Zacky Vengeance on rhythm, Johnny Christ on bass, and-on this album-The Rev on drums.
This continues until there game ends. Then we just sit there, Liza on her laptop, me on mine, watching TV and typing away. We can't talk because Logan is with us. This goes on until about 4am. Then we all pack up and head downstairs. Liza is in her cot bed by the time I reach my room. I take out my laptop and put on Disturbed. She reads-or I guess re-reads-The Ugly Truth. Everything is quiet between us. On the inside I'm begging for her to ask to talk. About anything. She never dose. Eventually I say "I hope you can stay late tomorrow."
I shrug. "Past 2."
"Like…2:01?" She asks, sounding…hopeful?
"I was hopeing past that. Like…5 or 6." I say this, knowing we would sleep in pretty late the next morning.
"Well…Laurens coming over around 5 tomorrow for a sleepover. That's why I was gonna sleep tonight. Because if I don't I'll be staying up three nights in a row."
The truth comes out. Emotions crash over me, none of them good. I don't show it though. At lest if I do, she doesn't notice. All I do is nod. "Ok then." And we leave it at that.
For the rest of the night, there's very little talking. I still feel hurt and am staring to question the strength of our friendship. Not because Lauren was coming over to her place the next night, but because she wanted to sleep so she could stay up then. Because I knew they would stay up for hours and talk. Probably a little about me.
Lauren. I thought Lauren had hurt her. She never talks to her in school. It's always either me or Tanner. Well maybe she's gonna try and fix this.
I was happy for her. Just wish I had the chance to do the same. So yes. I was jealous of Lauren. And Liza. And hurt.
She leaves around 4 the next day. And I don't do much the rest of the day. Then night comes. I flip open that blade again. And this time, I cut deeper. I start to cut ZERO but am lost on how to make the E lowercase. The Z, though, was already bleeding. So instead I do two small cuts on my wrist and leave it at that.
The blood beading from the three cuts in my leg is darker than it was the last two times. It hurts more too. That same smile comes back onto my lips as I watch the blood come. Eventually it stops and I once again wipe the blood with a tissue I throw away before turning over and going to sleep.
The next morning, my mom tells me to clean my room. I sigh but do it anyway. Wanting a place to put my laptop, I start with the desk. I move some things out of the way and find a paper with the words 12. Your Beautiful on it. The list I had made Liza after I found out I had hurt her and she was trying to cut comes to mind. But I gave that to her. I think. Did I make a copy?
I pick up the stack of nine papers and start reading. Before long I'm smiling, laughing and am closer to crying than I have been in forever. Long before the signature on the last page I know who this is from.
She really cares. Liza really wants me to live.
She had shone me all the little things I'd miss in life. She had given me 103 reasons to stop cutting. Not one of them being "If you don't I'll tell someone." 103 reasons to live again.
But now as I read an apology Liza had put out on FanFiction, I wonder. Are those 103 reasons still real? I hurt her, not Lauren. So…why dose she care if I cut? Why dose she want me here? Why dose anyone want me here?
I wonder that. But yet I read those reasons nightly. Weather there true or not, there the reasons I wont cut anymore.