Just finished my memoir. I did it, Mom and Dad. You would be so proud. And the dog stopped

barking, the dishes were washed, Henry had finally been killed, and life was complete at last.

It's a great last sentence, a downright hot and steaming last sentence.

Henry, what are you doing in my room now, and why are you explaining to me that you are alive? Uh, no, Henry is dead. "Whack!" went the car. "I'm dead!" went Henry. It was in my book. This will

ruin my memoir. Can you imagine the terrible sentences that will creep into my memoir now?

Henry walked over to me and said, "Hello."

It's a bad, ugly sentence. Kill that sentence. If that sentence is there, then I will have to say hello back. "Hello," I would have to say. And if I say hello, then Henry would say, "How are you?" If I said, "Fine" it would not be in keeping with my complex character. In order for my memoir to be realistic, I would have to shout back something like, "Oh Henry! I missed you so! Where have you gone? Come to me, Henry!" In my memoir I am supposed to be in love with Henry. I was definitely in love with Henry, without a doubt, but I really resent him now because I thought my memoir was complete.

I will just close my eyes now and pretend that I do not see you, Henry. I will not talk to you, save for the inner monologue I am having right now. Henry, stop calling my name! Henry, stop telling me to open my eyes! You are annoying me, and I did not expect this.

This is not in keeping with the title of my memoir, Jane Knows What's Coming. Henry, if you are going to come back to life – which I advise you, to seriously reconsider – you should at least make sure that all my dishes stay washed for the end of time, like in my book. I don't want any reporters coming on down to interview me to see any dishes in that sink. "Fraud!" they would say. "I see that dish. I'm taking a picture."

Tell that dog to stop barking, by the way. That is not in my book. Send him to the hospital, please, Henry.

Oh, you stupid, stupid Henry. Now we're really done for. You just spilled milk on my keyboard. This means that, even if I wanted to, I would not be able to change the ending of my memoir.

I tell Henry that we are playing freeze tag. I tell this to the dog too. I tag him. He is frozen. I tag the dog. He freezes as well. Although I am the "It" in this game, I also freeze. This is fine. We cannot let anything happen to change the ending!

Oh, no. I think being frozen is something happening. "Together Henry, the dog, and I played freeze tag and I tagged them all," is not in my book.

I am not saying that every memoir writer has to stop living after each book they produce. For instance, you can still do uneventful things. You can go to the bathroom, because it's not like you write about that anyway, unless something very important happens in the bathroom like death or sex. You can take your dog out for a walk, but you must make sure nothing important happens along the way, like death or sex or running into someone who might say something important. If someone says, "Oh, hey, I have something important to tell you" it is the time to run. If someone says, "Hey, do you want to come over for Thanksgiving?" you must reject. Something important, something very important, might happen on Thanksgiving. If someone says, "Hey, the weather is nice," you are free to engage in a boring conversation about the weather. This is only true, however, if the weather is not catastrophic. Someone he knows may have died in the latest hurricane or avalanche.

Actually, just stay away from the weather too. You never know what the weather has been up to lately.

How do all these other memoir writers do it? Good thing that author of 'A Million Little Pieces' got over his drug addiction by the end of the book. Otherwise, he would have just had to keep doing drugs forever in order to stay true to his memoir. And Malcolm X, well, he's a total scam. He never says once in his autobiography that he was shot and killed.

For most memoir writers, milk did not spill on their keyboards, thus enabling them to write as many memoirs as possible. Stupid milk. I always knew it was bad, what with the conditions it puts cows in, and now this. Let's see how long freeze tag games can last.