Part 2 of the Black Sheep series.
Vic has gone through the bad and is trying to come out of the other end. Will he be able to put the past behind him for good? Will he be to salvage his relationships? Can he love purely again?
I hope you will all support me again through this second part.
I sit in the waiting room of the hospital wing,
My ex-boyfriend tried to kill himself and is going off to the psychiatric hospital as soon as he will be fit enough.
I look at the clock, noon, it has been eight hours since he tried to kill himself. Three hours ago his sister, and guardian, signed his papers for him to be taken into care once again. How many times would this happen? When will he stop, or will death be his end?
I look at the hall as I hear footsteps approach but only a nurse walks past the room. I keep my eyes on the hall, willing for my ex's boyfriend to come out, but nothing happens.
How did it spiral down so fast? Only five months ago he was released from the psychiatric hospital, He seemed to be doing better, fine even. His bouts of depression he had been fighting for years seemed to have lessened and he had seemed so well last December when he was at our place for Christmas.
But if I'm honest to myself even I can see his illness had gotten worse and even if he seemed to be doing well a haunting nothingness had taken refuge in his eyes, in those moments he had thought himself to be unnoticed.
Getting together with his boyfriend had both given him shine and fear in his eyes.
Fear of his secret being exposed, fear of being pushed away, fear of pain.
Maybe it was the nearing anniversary of his breakup with his ex that had made him more fearful, maybe it returned memories, maybe it was the showing up at his doorstep that brought this on. We might never know as he no longer talks about his fears to us.
A soft shaking of my shoulder pulls me from my reminiscing.
"He wants to talk to you." Jack leans over me, brushing away tears I have no memory of shedding.
"Is he okay?"
Jack helps me up. "He seems calm. He is still troubled but he seems to be calmer than I have seen him in weeks. Where are the others?" His heart is racing, his breathing irregular as he lets go of me.
"They went home for a bit, there isn't much they can do now. Are you okay?" I hold his hands, looking into his eyes.
"I don't know. It's a lot to handle so suddenly." He sighs, his eyes sad and tired, as he looks over me.
"Go home, get some rest. Think about all this and then come back." I try to comfort him with a smile but his face falls.
"I'd rather not. At home I'm alone and I'd rather not be for now. But Vic wants to see you. You should go."
"Will you be okay?" I look at him, his hunched posture, his far away eyes.
"Yeah, I'll be okay. You just go, I'll see you in a bit." He slumps down in a chair as he waves me off.
I walk to Vics room, leaving Jack behind with his thoughts. When I almost reach the room I lean against the wall, trying to get my emotions back in check before going in. I need to be strong now. No pain, no guilt, no damnation. I take a couple of deep breaths and walk into the room.
Vic is lying on his bed, his eyes closed, a small wet trail going down his cheek. I clear my throat to get his attention. He doesn't move but he wiggles the fingers of his outstretched hand. I gladly grab his hand as I sit in the chair next to the bed. We sit in complete silence for a couple of minutes as I softly kiss the top of his hand.
"I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" His words surprise me and I look at his face. The tears haven't stopped flowing and his lower lip trembles, but he has still not opened his eyes.
"No." I answer shortly and truthfully. No need for lying right now, no use when he is like this. His eyes flutter but he keeps them closed.
He keeps hiding, he keeps thinking of ways to make us feel like he really is sorry about all this. Hiding the fact that he doesn't think of anyone but himself.
"I'm so sorry." He tightens his grip on my hand.
"You're not. You're sorry you didn't succeed." He loosens his grip and I tug my hand out of his. "You're not sorry for trying. Otherwise you wouldn't keep your eyes closed, hiding your real feelings. I feel sorry for Jack and the others, they don't deserve this." I spit out the words. I don't know when it happened, today, yesterday, or before this, but I suddenly realise I have stopped loving Vic. I know he hadn't been the guy I used to love for a long time, but it suddenly hit me. Unless something was going to change soon I would start resenting him for hurting the people that I still do love.
He keeps quiet for a while staring out the window on the other side of the room. "Has Anne signed the papers yet?"
"Yes, they will come get you as soon as they deem you able to leave."
He tilts his head, now focussing his attention on me. "I told Jack, about Dave and stuff, like you said." He looks down for a moment before he looks me right in the eyes, a new strength in his movements. I see a small spark of the guy I used to know in the bloodshot eyes. "But I need you to know the full truth too. I'm sorry."
He sits up and fumbles at his back. I realize he is trying to open his hospital shirt and close my eyes, hiding my head in my hands.
"Don't." I squeek. "I don't, I can't, please don't."
"I need you to see. I no longer want to hide this from you. Everyone I care about knows, except for you."
"I don't need to know, it's okay. Please don't." I slide the chair back so I'm out of reach if he would decide to pull me closer. My anger subsides being replaced by fear.
"You made me confess everything to Jack. It's time you know too." I blindly stand, wanting to get out of this room.
Two arm surround me from behind and the slightly musky smell of Jack fills my nose. I cling to him, hoping he would get me out of here but he moves me to Vics bed. I try to fight him but he is much stronger. He grabs one of my hands and moves it to Vics back.
"Here Dave wrote MINE on his back." He traces the word with my hand, I gasp when I feel the sharp lines of the scar. I try to pull away but the moves my hand to the side, tracing more lines.
"Here he wrote LOVE." I start shaking and am able to pull my hand back with one sharp tug. I still haven't opened my eyes, I keep them closed tightly, if I don't see them maybe they won't be there. I take sharp breaths, the only sound in the room.
"It's okay now. He knows now. He is trembling, let him go." Vics voice is soft, urging.
"No, not yet. Just one last thing." Jack grabs my hand again and brings it back to Vics back. I no longer have the energy to fight him and let him be. He traces my fingers over another scar, these are bigger, more pronounced. Jack shaking spells the letters out while tracing them "D... A... V... E..." He lets go of my hand at the same time I open my eyes.
I trace the scars again, unable to believe what I see and feel. There, below the other words, it really says Dave. I feel how Vic is trembling under the touch and I pull him against me, holding onto him for dear life as I stifle my cries in his hair. Vic embraces me the best he can from his position and I feel wet spots grow on my shirt. Tears.