I woke up and could tell I had a smile on my face but it quickly faded when I looked over and realized I was alone. Amalie wasn't laying next to me, like she just had been in my dream. I sighed and felt my face get hot. I loved sleeping. In my dreams I felt alive.
When I was awake I just felt dead. I felt like I had nothing left to give anyone. I didn't even feel like I was there. It was almost as if I was watching my life from the sidelines, and not actually living in it. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my body and crumbled it into a million pieces. I missed being happy. I missed being normal. I missed my girlfriend. She was my life, my everything. I was nothing without her.
Saying that I was depressed was an understatement. Each breath I took was more painful then the one before. Every second she wasn't here, my life was becoming more and more meaningless. I would have done anything for that girl. I wanted her here. I needed her.
I let out a deep sigh. I got out of bed, showered and got dressed. I had to work at the bar again tonight and I wasn't looking forward to it. I did all of my homework then headed off to work.
It wasn't too busy tonight. There were two girls at the end of the bar that were trying to get my attention. I walked over to them.
"Can I help you?" I asked.
"Are you Emmett?" the blonde girl asked.
"Yeah, can I help you?" I asked getting aggravated.
"See I told you" she said to her friend. "Can we just get 2 screwdrivers?"
I didn't even care why they wanted to know who I was. But then as I was making their drinks, something the brunette said caught my attention.
"So that's the guy whose girlfriend got killed?" she asked her friend.
"Yeah it was some chick in one of my classes."
I took their drinks over to them and slammed them down.
"She has a fucking name, Amalie Adams." I spat angrily.
The girls looked shocked. They didn't even think I heard them. They quickly grabbed their drinks, threw down money, and ran away from the bar. I grabbed the money from the bar and my hands were shaking. I let out a deep breath then went to help the next customer.
"Hey Emmett" this girl Maddie said. She had her golden blonde hair flowing down her back. She was friends with Amalie and Alex.
"Hey" I replied.
"How are you doing? How's Alex? I've been trying to call she never answers."
"She's fine. What can I get you to drink?" I asked.
She realized I wasn't going to be answering any of her questions. "Just a bud light" she said dully.
I brought the beer back to her. "3 dollars."
"Emmett if you ever need anything, I'm here" she said sweetly as she handed me the money.
"Thanks but there's nothing you can do." I grabbed the money and headed to the register.
My hands were shaking again. I didn't want to deal with this tonight. I saw two blonde girls at the end of the bar that needed drinks so I started to walk over to them. I seen the one whisper into the other ones ear. Then they both looked at me.
"Um, can I ask you something" The blonde girl dressed in pink asked.
"What?" I asked with no patience.
"Are you the guy…" she started then realized she didn't know how to word what was coming out next, so I finished her sentence for her.
"Am I the guy with the dead girlfriend? Yes I am" I snapped. "Is there a drink I can get you or are you just here to stick your huge ass nose in other people's business?"
She gasped and put her hand over her nose. I felt an arm grab me and start pulling me their way. I tried to fight it as I yelled at the girl.
"Try minding your own damn business you nosey bitch."
I was tugged harder until I was pulled from behind the bar, into the office. The manager Dave set me down in the chair.
"Calm down" he ordered.
I took a deep breath and tried to release some of my anger but my hands were still shaking. I dropped my head into my hands.
"Emmett I understand you're going through a lot right now." he started.
"Oh really, you understand? So the love of your life is dead too then?" I asked knowing damn well he had a wife waiting for him at home.
"I didn't think so" I gritted through my teeth.
"Listen Emmett. You're going through a lot. Go home, get some rest, and call me when you're feeling better."
"So you're firing me?" I asked.
"No of course not. I just want you to take however much time you need off. You can come back anytime." he said sincerely.
I didn't even say anything I just got up and left. I got in the rental car our insurance company had given us until we got a new car. I drove way too fast on the way home but I didn't care. I went straight up to my room and went for the pill bottle. I poured a bunch into my hand. I didn't even bother counting them I just threw them all in my mouth and swallowed them down with some water. I went downstairs to fill up my cup. Alex was passed out on the couch. I saw a bottle of Jack on the table in front of her. It was almost empty but there were a few shots left.
I grabbed the bottle and chugged the rest. I got my glass of water and went back up to my room. I couldn't wait for sleep to come. I just wanted to be with Amalie again. As I lay there waiting to be unconscious, I couldn't help but think about the same thing that was always on my mind: my proposal to Amalie.
I always would think about her answer, and her reaction. I had been looking forward to that moment for so long, and now I was never going to get the chance. I would never be able to see her walk down the aisle, with her beautiful smile, to become my wife. I would never be able to have children with her, I was never able to see her again. Oh what I would give for just one more moment with her. Just one more chance to look in her eyes, one more kiss from her, one more smile, one more breath. One more chance to tell her I loved her.
I thought about it over and over again until the pills finally knocked me out and I was back where I wanted to be.
It was about a year after Amalie and I had started dating. I was walking in the park and Amalie was beside me.
She looked deep in thought.
"What's on your mind?" I asked.
"I was just wondering, do you think you'd know if you met 'the one'?"
"The one?" I asked.
"You know, like your soul mate. The one person you're destined to be with forever."
"You just know. I just knew." My heart skipped a beat. We hadn't talked about anything like this before together and I was afraid of her reaction.
"So how do you know?" she asked me.
"How do I know what?" I asked her
"That I'm the one?" she asked.
"What makes you think you're 'the one'?" I joked and she elbowed me. I started laughing.
"For real though?" she asked.
"Well because you're my heart. And you can't live without your heart."
She stopped walking so I did too. I took a deep breath before turning to face her. I was so nervous for her reaction. This was going to be my fist time saying it.
"I love you" I said and stared at her waiting for her reaction.
"I love you too" she smiled.
I sighed in relief. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I grabbed her by the small of her back and pulled her body against mine and pressed my lips against hers. I felt like there was an explosion going on around us. I had never felt more passion in a kiss before in my life. Don't get me wrong there was always passion between us, but it was deeply intensified right now.
I pulled away, pushed her bang out of her eye and stared into her eyes.
"I love you" I said again.
"I love hearing you say that." she smiled.
"I love you, I love you, I love you" I said before pulling her in for another kiss.
I didn't want to get out of bed. That was my usual feeling but today was even worse. I knew exactly what today was and I wasn't ready to deal with it. It was Amalie's birthday. The second that processed in my mind, I started crying. I picked up a picture of her off of my dresser. I ran my hand over it. Why did you have to leave me? I stared at her smile, which for a split second actually made me smile. But then the realization of knowing I would never see that smile again consumed me. I set the picture back down and put my head in my hands.
I spent most of the day at the cemetery. I just sat there and stared at the ground. There were dozens of flowers on the ground. The dozens of people that missed her. As selfish and ridiculous as it sounds, I thought I missed her the most out of everyone. I know her parents missed her, and so did Alex, but I seriously felt like Amalie was my life. And since she had been gone, I didn't even feel like I was here anymore. I felt like I had no one. No one would understand what I was going through. I hated my life. I loved my dreams so much more. That's all I ever wanted to do was sleep. It was the only time I was truly happy.
It was more like in my dreams I had, was the life I wish I had, and my real life was the nightmare I wish I could wake up from. I would give everything to switch the two. The dreams were so much better then reality.
I just sat there still staring at the ground when I heard someone walking up. It was Alex. She put the flowers she brought down with the rest and sat down on the ground next to me.
"I miss her." I said.
"Me too." She replied.
I didn't want Alex to see me break down any more then she already had. "I'll see you at home." I said getting up. I dropped the keys to the rental car next to her. "Take the car home."
"Where are you going?" she asked looking up at me.
"Home. I'll see you later."
I knew I wouldn't. I knew as soon as I got home I was going up to my room to take my pills so I could leave this treacherous day behind.
When our parents died, I was there for Alex. I tried my hardest to make sure that she never saw it break me. Don't get me wrong, it did, but I had to stay strong for her. After going through that, and now this, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be there for her. I couldn't even keep myself together, let alone take care of someone else. Maybe that was selfish of me, but I just really couldn't handle it this time.
I tried to stay as far away from Alex as I could. I knew she was there for me if I wanted to talk about it, but that was the problem. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to acknowledge it. Talking about it made me think about it even more. Not that it wasn't constantly on my mind, but still, when I had those rare moments when my mind was clear, I didn't want to clog it back up by trying to talk it out.
I really didn't want to be around anyone. The only reason I was even working anymore was just to pay for the pills. I really didn't even care if our bills were paid or not. The electricity could get shut off for all I cared. I had no problem sitting in the dark. That's all I ever did anyway.
I woke up to the smell of bacon. Amalie came in my room with a tray of food. I remembered the day clearly. It was my birthday last year.
"Happy Birthday!" she chimed.
I sat up. "Thanks babe." I said and kissed her cheek.
"Eat, get dressed… something nice then come downstairs when you're done." She said with a smile.
"What do you have planned?" I asked.
"You'll see." She smiled even wider then left the room.
I ate my breakfast then got dressed. I walked down the steps and then almost had a heart attack as a group of people yelled.
Somehow while I was asleep, or getting ready, Amalie managed to gather all my friends in the downstairs of my house and decorate. She came over to me.
"Were you surprised?" she asked.
"Yeah." I laughed. I put my arm around her and pulled her into my side. I kissed her head.
She looked up at me and blushed. I kissed her on the lips.
After everyone left Amalie was cleaning up. I grabbed some empty beer bottles and threw them in the trash bag Amalie was holding.
"Baby I got this." She said.
"I want to help." I said picking up a few more beer cans. I went to throw them in the garbage back and Amalie pulled it away from me.
I laughed. "Really? You're not going to let me help?" I asked.
"Nope. It's your birthday. I'm cleaning. Go upstairs. I'll come up when I'm done."
Alex came in the room with some garbage. "Okay, that's the last of it in the kitchen. I'm going to head out now. Happy Birthday." Alex chimed.
"Thanks. See you later." I gave her a hug and she headed out the door.
I turned back to Amalie and she had her eyebrows raised at me.
"What?" I asked.
"Go upstairs." She said again.
"Fine." I said giving in. I went up to my room and sat on my bed.
About fifteen minutes later Amalie came in.
"All done?" I asked.
"Yep. So did you have fun?" she asked hopefully as she sat down on the bed.
"Yeah it was great. How did you manage to get all those people here while I was sleeping?"
"You are a very heavy sleeper." She laughed. "Plus, your snoring is louder then any of the noises we could have made down there."
I pinned her down to the bed. "I don't snore any louder then you do."
She dropped her mouth open. "I do not snore!" she said defensively.
"I'm surprised you don't wake the neighbors." I joked.
She flipped me onto my back and jumped on top of me. She laughed then bent down and kissed me.