Fragments shells of a long ago lifetime
Faces that once were mine
Thrown down by the sea
So if I walk away,
Please follow me,
If I walk away,
Please follow me.
The deserted neighbourhood road with my footsteps echoing off of the house fronts. I had needed space, needed time to think, and this mindless journey throughout the neighbourhood was helping me sort things out. Everything that used to be me, everything I've worried about - in high school, in college, even in life - was shedding away as I sifted through everything running through my head. This had started to become a regular basis for me, walking the streets after I got home from the theatre. Yes, I was always tired by then - I never got enough sleep - but I always took these walks because it was sorting out what I had going on in my life and helped me set my priorities right. For now, my first priority was getting the bills paid on the house I shared with my work family - Ben and Dari.
When I got home, I had two voicemails on my cell phone from the girl I'd been dating for two years - Zan. I'd had to walk away from our two years because life, as well as our relationship, was getting too complicated because I was helping pay the bills on the house and the groceries and the clothes and all three of us were paying back college loans. She knew that. But I'd told her that if I ever walked away from us and our relationship, that she had every right in the world to follow me. After her biological family, who didn't really care for her, I was all she had. She didn't want to lose me. I didn't want to lose her, either. That's why she kept leaving voicemails while also respecting my plea for space and time.
The next night, the same route at the night before, I started actually looking at my past, at all of the people I'd pretended to be, all of the pieces of my life that felt like a lifetime ago, thrown to the edge of the sea in my mind. I'd matured so much since I joined the theatre, since I'd become a teenager all those years ago, since I'd been a kid. It was all thrown down at the ocean. I'd walked away from those, forgetting about them until tonight. I slowed down, finally stopping and sitting on the sidewalk, resting my head in my hands. I was trying to keep calm and put it all behind me - which I thought I'd done - but I apparently couldn't. I didn't remember where I was until I felt a comforting hand on my arm and a too-familiar voice say, "Are you all right, Amy?"
I looked up. Zan. I nodded, wiping at my eyes. "Yeah. I'll be fine."
"Do you want to come stay with me tonight?"
"Ben and Dari are expecting me back."
"We can call. Give me your cell, I'll do it now."
"My cell's back at the house, Zan. You know that."
"Then I'll come back with you."
"No. You'll do nothing of the sort. Your babies need you." Her cats. If she came back with me, they'd be alone. And I care about animals' feelings, so can you really blame me?
"Yes, you're right. Will you be all right?"
I nodded again. "Yeah."
"Well, good night." She smiled as we stood, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "Safe trip."
I couldn't help but smile at her care. "Night." I squeezed her hand before heading back to my house, finally sorting everything out and permanently putting it all to rest. Everything that would come after tonight would sort itself out into my mind, and I'd put it behind me as it came to me.