What you said, about maybe visiting... I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't stand the thought of not seeing you for another six months. I would sit up at night, in the computer chair, or on the swing on the back porch, missing you so bad my chest hurt. Its just, when you said you would be here the sixth, and then you told me you couldn't, I lost my appetite. I couldn't sleep, couldn t' concentrate, I got so excited, counting down the minutes, there's this thing on the computer... I don't think I can stand that disappointment anymore. It hurt . So badly. Worse knowing that I couldn't even blame you, couldn't be angry with you. Because anger always makes me feel better. It s natural, always there, right under the surface. It s almost... well, like, most people have to actually try to be angry, but I'm always angry and have to try not to show it.
As much as it annoys me, I admire the fact that you're always so cool, nonchalant about things. But sometimes it seems that you don't want to come, like you've changed your mind. And I know that if your granddad wasn t here, you wouldn't be back. Part of me thinks... I wish I meant more to you than that. Then I snap out of it. You aren't someone who makes an effort out of convenience. You wouldn t still communicate with me if you didn't care, even if I wish there was more time that you could spend with me.
I'm going insane, over thinking everything. Trying over and over again to find a solution, find a reason, find a way to make everything okay. I guess it all it boils down to is that I love you. And if waiting is what it takes to have you back, then it's waiting that I'll have to do.