AN: Welcome, one and all, to my daily scribbles! Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I have a creative writing class in the morning. For the first ten minutes of each class, everyone sits quietly and just writes the first thing that comes to mind. As such, I will probably be updating this three times a week with random nonsense. This first piece is probably going to scare away most of my readers, but I figure if you can't stomach this, you won't enjoy my brand of humor in general. I do hope you will pardon the references to internet memes - the opportunity was simply too good to pass up. Enjoy!


"Moo," said the Not Cow.

"And moo?" I asked, forever abhorred.

"Moo," said the Not Cow.

"And how!" I cried, forever disillusioned. "But what is the brainless animals?"

"Moo," said the Not Cow.

"Oh, come now," I replied, forever estranged. "Do answer me seriously, if you will."

"Moo," came the ubiquitous answer.

"Contemptuous beast!" I shouted, forever remiss. "I'll cut your tongue from your throat and boil it for my supper!"

To this, the Not Cow opened its great maw so wide its jaws must have unhinged. "Moo," it said, as if asking, "And which of my seven tongues would you like?" A faint glow emanated from the back of the Not Cow's throat. I was entranced by the shimmering, the gentlest of humming.

Suddenly the Not Cow's eyes bugged out of its skull and it cried, "Moo!!" as if to say, "Pew Pew, I'ma firin' mah lazors!!" There was a great explosion from the Not Cow's throat as its seven tongues reached out to hold me in place. I was enveloped in its warmth, its putrescence, its ecstasy, forever scorched. The Not Cow slowly reeled me in, salivating like a mad dog, and in one great gulp, swallowed me whole, to be forever engorged.