Paranoia

hear crows cawing in the dark? thousands and thousands of them. i walk beneath them and they crow because they see me and they dont want to be bothered so i tiptoe i dont talk not even to myself which is hard because i always talk to myself because no one else can hear and no one else will listen. i carry a case its black and i think they think its another crow because they caw at me and they want to get his attention even if hes just a case. fucking birds i think but i dont say it to myself because i dont want the crows to look at me theyre looking at the case which is good because its not me. when theres enough crows as this then they can come down on you and tear you apart but thatll be when you cant see them anymore because crows will eat your eyes because its like jello to them. ive seen a man do it too with a goat only he tried to cook those eyes on a stick and before they got too gooey like he took them out of the fire and they dribbled into his mouth like melted marshmellows. i wonder if eyes taste like marshmellows and thats why crows eat them. because crows are always camping and even when they have nests its just a temporary thing like setting up a tent and once theyre outside maybe theyre just hungry for a treat. they probably dont mean anything by it too they probably dont know that eyes dont taste like marshmellows until they peck at them so that theyre all gooey and dribbly. and they probably realize it then but will keep eating because they figure eventually itll start tasting better. and when it never does they just forget that it didnt because they have brains the size of peanuts and cant remember anything. i can hardly remember anything either. the things people say are important to remember. i can remember songs okay but those arent difficult because a song will stick with you far longer than a persons name or something. but knowing songs doesnt mean anything when you can just look at music and play the song from that. people dont get offended if you have to use music to know a song but they dont like it if you use something to remember names. thats probably because people think their name is more important than anything. i dont understand why. most people dont choose their names and even then when you have a name the only point of the name is to keep people from forgetting you but i dont think you need a name to remember someone, even if people tell me that knowing a name is easier to remember a person by. i dont think this is true but i could be wrong. im wrong about lots of things people tell me and thats why i talk to myself so that i can get two opinions on a subject. i cant get two opinions now though on whether the crows are going to eat my eyes. i dont think i want them too but i could be wrong because i usually am. i wouldnt even mind having my eyes gone really. i dont think itd be fun to have them poked out of you but i wouldnt miss them when they were gone because i really only use my ears and eyes distract from your ears. you couldnt hear a person behind you with a knife if you had eyes and then youd just feel them grabbing your neck and eyes wouldnt help you then unless you saw the person doing it but theyd just scare you so you wouldnt want to look anyway. when i get murdered i dont want to have eyes anyway and if they were eaten then i could hear the knife and not be as surprised when they cut my throat because id have known they were there. theres someone behind me now. theres always someone behind. you cant see them but you can do everything else. eyes are fucking useless if you cant even see whats there with them. ears wouldnt do me any good now because the crows are still cawing and i wouldnt be able to hear the knife if they had already eaten my eyes. but i already dont like my eyes so i wouldnt care if they just ate them anyway. i feel him behind me though and i smile and start laughing because i imagine myself on the ground and my throat would have been cut and thered be a hole in my back where he stabbed me once just to keep me from moving. if i were the man with the knife thats what i would do. id cut the throat last but id stab in the back first and then id cut the lips off and then the nose and then the ears but id leave the eyes because i know how much people hate their eyes. and hed try to tell me before i cut his stomach to eat his eyes and id smile and shake my head and leave his eyes even after i cut my initials into his abdomen and finally sliced his throat. id leave a post-it note on his forehead all in capitals thatd say 'sorry about the mess :)' just so that the investigator would have something to laugh at when he examined the case. we know that they laugh when someone has been killed because its the only way they can do their job because they all secretly wish that they had been the ones with the knife because investigators are never remembered its always the killers. this is what i would do and its the best way to kill someone so i dont know why i wouldnt be killed like this if the man with the knife was worth anything. i keep laughing though because i cant help it and i figure it might be wrong to laugh but theres no way to tell because i cant say anything unless i want my eyes to be eaten by the crows. and i dont know if i want this either because i cant decide if i dont say anything to him so for the time being i just have to be safe and not say anything. but it might be too late then because i can feel the person with the knife getting closer and closer behind me and hes tall too he could just pick me up and crush my skull but hed rather use the knife because he knows knives are more fun and he wants to leave the post-it note because he knows itll be funny and the only reason he isnt laughing about it right now is because he doesnt want the crows to eat his eyes and he doesnt have to ask himself why he doesnt want this because he just knows. i figure ive done all i can to make his job the easiest im walking through the forest and its only seven out so there wont be a sun for awhile and im walking in the snow so im going slow and if he wants to kill me he can either leave my body and the note or just put me in the river because ive crossed three bridges so far and the river would freeze over tomorrow so no one would see my body for at least a couple days unless it thawed and some of the blood ran down by the lower banks. i dont turn around either because that spoils all the fun for the one holding the knife when the person knows that youre there theres no point killing him then because its only fun if you can get real close and hunt for awhile and then when you finally want to stop then you just take a quick jab and its like a surprise then like a party. i almost dont hear the crows anymore and i wonder if hes going to do it now because he wants me to maybe hear him before just so that ill get scared. but i dont get scared so hes wasting his time if thats what he wants to do. maybe ill tell him when i dont hear the crows anymore because if they eat my eyes then he wont be able to leave my eyes after cutting off everything else and i want him to have fun so i dont want them to eat my eyes. yes ill tell him when there arent any crows and ill even stop to tie my shoe or adjust the case so that he can get a good stab in. ill even walk in the snow so that he can bury the blood later. see? its easy now just take the stab i wont even look and ill pretend to be scared and everything just go for it and have fun because everyone deserves to have fun. go ahead i say and bend down to my boot because i cant hear the crows anymore. he isnt moving and i think hes scared. ill start humming so that he wont be as afraid to do it because ill pick a good song to hum. i hum beau soir by debussy because thats what im playing right now and i think its a relaxing song. if i killed someone id want to listen to debussy. go head i say again go ahead itll be fun. ill hum louder if you want me to. i hum louder. hes staring at me i can tell because i can feel him staring. one more chance i say. i dont want to be late so ill give you one more chance and if you dont do it then youll have to wait until tomorrow. tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow until you stop being afraid. i know hes listening to me i know he wants to do it and i know he knows how much fun hell have but hes still afraid and i cant help him. okay i say. okay well go tomorrow and every tomorrow after that if you want to but i need to practice. i pick up the case and i stand up and i can tell hes embarrassed that hes too afraid to do it. maybe he feels like hes too close to the crows to do it and that theyll eat his eyes if they heard him grunt when he stabbed me. i figure this is it and i dont blame him because not everyone wants his eyes to be eaten out even though everyone really hates their eyes. its okay. its okay i say again. theres always tomorrow. there will always be tomorrow. i can tell hes looking at me again. hes awfully close too. i feel like if i reached behind me i could touch him. does tomorrow sound good do you want to do tomorrow? yes he says. yes we always have tomorrow. and all the tomorrows after that. and i wont be afraid tomorrow. we can do it tomorrow and we wont be afraid. no we wont i say to him. we wont be afraid tomorrow.