The Simpletons Guide: How to make a cup of tea

Hello fellow simpleton.
How are you today?
Really?
Aww that's nice...

My name is Leanne,
and I'm here to help you today.
And no, you cannot call me Lee.
That is not my name.
No, I said not Lee.
Keep listening dear...

So today little simpleton,
I'm going to teach you how to make a cup of tea.
What could be easier?
No, I'm not going to teach you how to breathe.
You should know how to breathe.
If not,
stop reading this
go find medical help immediately.

So where to begin,
first of all,
get out a tea cup,
or a mug.
No dear,
that's a saucepan.
... And that's your fridge.
Look you need a tea cup.
That's your mum.
Unless you want to hurt her,
I'd leave her alone...
Okay put your mum down.
Wow for a simpleton,
your awfully strong...
Okay,
now that's a T.V
Look,
all you need is a cup of some kind!

...Oh balls, that's a knife...
STOP!
Right
...nice and easy
...drop the knife...
NOT ON YOUR MUM!
LEAVE YOUR POOR MUM ALONE!

Right,
that's it,
put it back where you found it.
That's it, good creepy and hazardous simpleton.
I'm happy/scared to be helping you today.

Oh look... You got a tea cup out to start with...
You stupid son of a-
Sorry.... –sigh- okay,
come on,
let's get on with this.

Right, your mum has been a nice lady and filled up the kettle for you,
so all you need to do,
is press down on the button.

Right well that's the lid,
and it's already shut.
And that's the handle.
Look all you need to do, is
Push
That
BUTTON!

That's it,
well done little simpleton.
You should be proud that you can push a button.
Give yourself a pat on the back....

WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT KNIFE AGAIN?
Okay,
just put the knife down.
Leave it alone.
I don't give a damn if it's so ridiculously shiny.
PUT IT DOWN!

Good simpleton.
You should be proud...
I'm sure your mother isn't...

Right well next ste-
Hey stop pressing your hand onto the kettle!
You're going to burn yourself!
You stupid idiot.

-Sigh- Next step.
Get out a teabag from somewhere and put it in the tea cup.
It's not hard,
look;
the teabag is on the shelf across the room.
No not the-
LEAVE THE GOD DAMN KNIFE ALONE!

LOOK YOU RETARD,
THERES TEABAGS OVER THERE!
SO JUST,
GRAB A TEABAG!
WHAT DOES A TEABAG LOOK LIKE?!

...um,
well,
it's in like a little pouch,
and it's got black grains inside it.
Yes that,
well done.
Thank you for finally finding it.
Give yourself a pat on the back
WITHOUT the knife.

Now, put the teabag into the teacup.
NO!
That's the kettle....

-sigh- People like you make me want to kill myself...
Okay,
well,
I guess the water will be like tea now anyway.
So just let it boil for a while...

...

...

...So...

what do simpletons do for fun?

Watch Jeremy Kyle or Oprah?

... Oh, I see...

So you either watch it, or are on it?

...Interesting...

Okay so the kettle has boiled now,
so all you need to do,
is pour it into the cup.
And remember,
hold it by the handle,
Since that part of the kettle stops the heat from burning your hand.

Too many words huh?
... Okay...
HOLD IT BY THE HANDLE OR GET A BOOBOO!

That's it,
well done,
You're getting somewhere in the world!
Right now pour the water into the cup.
...Or you can just open the lid of the kettle and throw the water at the cup like you just did...
You know, that works too...

Right well,
there's enough water in that tea cup to make a small and weak cup of tea...
No I'm not calling you weak.
Look you lifted up your mum and your flat screen TV earlier,
So I'm not going to call you a dainty handed person now am I.
No, Dainty handed,
Not Painting handed.
No you don't need to prove you can paint.
No put away those paints.
We are making a cup of tea,
Not painting a picture.
That's going to be a different simpleton's guide for another day...

Look just leave the paints to one side,
your cup of tea is nearly done now...

LEAVE THAT BLOOD KNIFE ALONE!
Jesus Christ,
why are you addicted to knifes?

Drug addicts,
sex addicts,
Simpson addicts,
I can handle.
But simpletons (that may be emo) addicted to knifes are just a whole new level...

Okay, back to the cup of tea.
I want to get this over with.
Right well you need milk to go into that tea.
So go to your fridge and get out the milk.
That's a Guinea Pig.
That's a piano.
A duck.
A dog.
A semi-aquatic egg laying mammal of action.
A Penguin.
OH MY GOD! That's David tenant!
Where are you getting these objects from
Okay leave David Tennant alone,
he doesn't want to see you...

NO DON'T THROW THE KNIFE AT HIM!
...Did you just kill David Tennant?
... I saw nothing you scary and slightly respected simpleton...
THAT'S THE MILK
YES
HALLELUIGHA!

Right now pour that into the teacup.
...or you can throw that at the teacup too like you just did...
Okay, well find a spoon.
That's a fork.
That's a spatula.
Whisk.
Straw.
Plank of wood.
An egg.
The same plank of wood.
That's David Te-
Hey leave the poor guy alone.
Well... The corpse anyway...
RIGHT THAT'S THE SPOON
YES!
AHA!
WELL DONE!

Now put the spoon into the teacup.
That's David Tennant's mouth.
Leave that corpse to rest in peace
you stupid simpleton.
Right come on,
the cup
THE
CUP
yes that,
that's it,
well done!

Now stir it in a circular motion.
Okay, do it in a triangular motion if you really want.
You know, it's your cup of tea.

Last but not least.
Drink your cup of tea.

Come on, it's there for you to drink...

What?

Really?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE TEA?

YOU STUPID SON OF A-

THE END


Hello again simpletons =]

Lol, hope you enjoyed It, and I mean what I said on the intro.
If you want to see a comical simpletons guide to something, just message me, and I'll write one.
Please R&R and I hope you enjoyed it =]

Leanne

xoxo