Muffin Company Sued

Oklahoma City, Texas - Kamehameha Baked Goods Inc. will appear in court this Monday to try to pay off/persuade the jury in the historic case of Kamehameha vs. Whorent. This case is expected to be one of the most important cases in the history of cases since courts began.
It was but 2 weeks ago, a cool winter dreary, and there was a rapping, the faintest tapping on the door. James Whorent slowly stood up and walked to the window and looked out. He saw it was his 24-hour muffin delivery. He had ordered 153 steel wrapped salmon muffins. James Whorent, being the clinically retarded retard that he was, took out one of muffins from the pentagonally shaped cylinder. He slowly bit down on the unusually hard muffin. "I figured the muffin was just really old and that I should swallow as soon as possible, even if it meant not chewing. I thought that my foot might possibly explode if I tried to take on the muffin." It turned out that he had forgotten to take the steel wrapping off it. "I instantly banged my head into my computer to try to relieve the terror of not being able to read…um, I mean swallow the muffin." After 4 hours of this torture and not being able to breathe, he finally struck an idea. He used Morse Code to signal an ambulance. 3 hours later, he was saved
"I only think it is fair. There are people out there that forget to take things out of their wrappers all the time. I remember back in the 40's, when a man by the name of Pepfemulsha Galapagos bought a bottle of lotion at J.C. Penney's for 3.99. He instantly combusted. I think my plea of only 8.9 million dollars is fair and true to what this country stands for…the right to bear arms. And by arms, I don't mean guns, I mean feet."
My local bookie has placed 10:1 odds against Kamehameha Baked Goods Inc. In an on-line poll*, 34% think that cancer research funds should be tripled, 52% think that midget suffrage should be outlawed in the state of New Jersey, and 19% think that cheerleading should be considered an Olympic sport.
Probabilities state that James Whorent will probably receive a large exponential representation of Nebraska's famous South European Galapagos Foot. This case will probably be attended by many celebrities such as: John Stamos, Jerry Garcia, Jesus Christ, Kermit the Frog, Chibi Trunks, Bob Sagat, and the Tostito'sâ Fiesta Bowl. The top-hat wearing robot monkeys will probably support Whorent's side either way. Does this reporter believe that Kamehameha will ever see the chance to redeem themselves? Quoth the Scribner, "Nevermore."-Robert Scribner, Senior Judicial Correspondent

*These statistics are from several different online polls. Please visit www.midgetprophecies.org to see nothing at all.