A/N: It's been forever since I updated! I looked back at what I wrote, and I was thinking to myself "HOLY SHIT. THIS IS HORRIBLE. SEX EVERYWHERE." so, now, I'll start to focus on the emotion building up instead of writing tons of sex everywhere.
In addition, I'm not just taking out the sex just because of Snowflakes Are Drifting, I'm just glad she told me that the fact that the sex is starting to get annoying. :)
Jayson and I haven't done anything for three days now, not that I'm complaining, but it just kind of seems out of place. Since we haven't been doing anything, I don't have anything to write about. It feels weird.
Now, I just want to write about how me and him progressed during these times we started to have sex. I remember the first moment I saw him, he was just some scary looking guy...some one so creepy. I remember our first time in bed. I couldn't stop crying...
Then, I started to give in, but I wasn't enjoying what he was doing to me. Realizing I didn't like what he was doing, I started to rebel. It was such a bad idea.. I mean, he violated me, he blind folded me and handcuffed me, but then again, he let me free and made me do my own thing.
Now, look at us. We're starting to have sex naturally without me crying or going against him. I'm starting to give in to him. I told him I loved him...
As I write, there are tears. As I reread what I wrote, it makes me feel so horrible. What would my parents think? What would Nancy think? Should I tell her? I can trust her, but can I trust her enough..?
Do I really love Jayson, or am I just in a trance of lust? Am I confused between the two? Lust, the hungry need of sexual satisfaction, or love, the feeling you have, the passion between two lovers, swearing to care for one another. Or is it both?
I mean, Jayson... those jade green eyes that always seem to pull me in. His hair, a sleek and shiny black hue, always swept the the left side of his face. His pale and perfect complexion. Other than his appearance, he was so caring and reassuring...and sexy. He was so nice to me, even when I tried to fight back. He fed me, he let me sleep in bed with him, and he probably tries to persuade the people here not to kill me just so I can live.
It's so surprising that he does all this for me, but does he love me back?
I'm crying so much, but why? Is it because I know that I'm in love with the enemy? Is it that I'm just as worse as the people who follow this monster named Hitler? Is it because I'm having sex just to live and eat? Is it because I'm not even thinking about my parents or Nancy?
Or is it because I actually love Jayson, the enemy, who is genuinely nice to me...
I think I really do love him...
I cried for an awful long time. I didn't see Jayson at all. I want to cry again...
I did cry. Jayson didn't show. I really want to see him. I wasn't even thinking about sleeping with him or rubbing against him, I just wanted to be with him...
Also, I gave in to Nancy. She asked why I was crying. At first I tried to lie, not trying to tell her so easily. After all, I swore to Jayson that I would never tell, at least not so easily.
Then, Nancy told me that I could trust her. I was reluctant at first, but then I finally told her. I told her everything. I told her I was in love with Jayson, as well as being guilty of eating and sleeping with him. She shook her head a few times, but then she started to understand.
"I understand your pain. You're going through a lot, I would do the same, but...I can't. I can't sleep with horrible people who killed my only brother. Also, I'm too weak to do that kind of stuff. Look at me, Lily. I'm skinny as a pole. I can't even have the energy to get up and walk for more than a minute. I'd just rather die, I'll meet my brother soon."
I started to tear up again. She would rather die than stay here. I grabbed her by the arms and told her, "No, Nancy. You can't. I'm here with you. I'll help you. You're my friend and friends help each other out. I'll go through this with you."
Then I hugged her. She cried too. I knew she was thankful. Her arm wrapped around me as she heaved in and out from her tears.
I just don't want anyone to die. I don't want to lose a good friend I made. A good friend from a horrible place.
A/N: I GENUINELY THINK THAT I DID A GOOD JOB WITH THIS CHAPTER. Honestly.
Feedback on the emotions?