Author's Note: Hi, everyone. This is my first time actually writing something like this.

Calling the Fuhrer

(A fourteen-year-old boy carefully opens the window of his house. He's alone in the house, with eight-year-old twins: a boy and girl. His mother and father are out somewhere. The boy's name is Wilhelm; the eight-year-olds are named Hans and Heike, and they are Wilhelm's brother and sister.)

Wilhelm: (Closes the window and breathes a sigh of relief) Good. No nosy old lady tonight.

(Now Wilhelm goes into his bedroom and comes back out with a bunch of beer bottles. They are ready for drinking. Heike and Hans follow Wilhelm around.)

Heike: Willie, what are you doing?

Wilhelm: Den mund halten, Heike. I'm gonna have a party.

Heike: Can I and Hans come?

Wilhelm: No, you can't come. This is a grown-ups party.

Hans: I'm telling Mommy and Daddy!

Heike: Me, too!

Wilhelm: (Goes to the door) No you won't. Unless you want the Kind Monster to come get you while you're asleep. He eats tattletales.

(Hans and Heike scream and run out of the room.)

Wilhelm: (snickers) Stupid. (Slowly opens the door. Outside are a bunch of other teenage boys and girls, Wilhelm's friends.) (Quietly) Okay, guys. Get in, quickly, before Old Lady Ackermann sees you!

(Wilhelm gets trampled by the other teens. He then stands up, his hair messy and clothes dirty with his friends' footprints. He joins the party and turns the radio on.)

Teen 1: Hey, Willie, where's the beer, huh?

Wilhelm: Right here, dummkopf. (Points to the many beer bottles on a table, on the floor, etc.) Everyone, grab a beer! Grab two if you want! No, three!

Teen 2: The music's not loud enough.

Wilhelm: Yeah, you're right. (Goes over to the radio and turns it up loudly)

Teen 3: Wow, Willie, how did you get so many beers?

Wilhelm: I snuck them from a neighbor's house.

(Unbeknownst to Wilhelm, Hans and Heike each take a beer and start drinking it. They're having fun, too.)

(An hour later, the teens are very bored. They try to think of something.)

Teen 1: What should we do?

Wilhelm: I don't know… (He gets an idea) Wait, I've got it!

Teens: Got what?

Wilhelm: (Takes the phone off the hook) We can prank call someone.

Teen 4: But who?

Wilhelm: I don't know. Some random person.

(Wilhelm's friends and siblings gather around him and the phone as he dials a random number. After a few rings, someone picks up.)

Hitler: All children should…be sent to New Zealand! (Picks up the phone) Hello?

Wilhelm: Hello, sir, this is the Moopin' Doopin' Wrecking Company.

Hitler: Hello, Moppin-dy Doopin-dy Wrecking Company.

Wilhelm: What time would you like us to tear down your house?

Hitler: Tear down my house?

Wilhelm: We'll tear down your house at 20:00.

Hitler: (Checks the clock) But it's 20:00 now!

Wilhelm: Then you better duck!

(Hitler screams and ducks. Wilhelm and his friends laugh quietly.)

Hitler: I ducked but my house is still standing!

Wilhelm: Thank you for calling, Frau Schnitzel.

Hitler: Frau Schnitzel? Don't you know who I am? My name is Adolf Hitler! I am the Fuhrer of Deutschland! I think you have the wrong number.

Wilhelm: Are you pretty? (His friends laugh in the background)

Hitler: Well, people tell me I have a certain girlish charm—WAIT A MINUTE! You have the wrong number!

Wilhelm: Take your shoe off.

Hitler: But I don't want to—

Wilhelm: TAKE IT OFF!

Hitler: (Takes shoe off) Okay, I took my shoe off. Now what?

Wilhelm: Now, put your shoe in your pants.

Hitler: But why would I—

Wilhelm: PUT IT IN!

Hitler: Oh, alright. (Puts his shoe in his pants) Okay, I put my shoe in my pants. Now what?

Wilhelm: Danke for calling, ma'am.

Hitler: Ma'am? I told you, my name is Adolf Hitler!

Wilhelm: Adolf Hitler…no, sorry, never heard of you. (He and his friends laugh it up)

Hitler: (While, unbeknownst to him, Wilhelm is making funny faces on the other line and imitating him) Hey! How could you not hear of me? Hello? I've got a shoe in my pants! You've got the wrong number! Hello? Hello! (Hitler then hears Wilhelm and his friends snickering in the background) HEY! You're just a bunch of little punks! I'll get you! You're going to be in big troub— (Wilhelm hangs up on the Fuhrer) Verdammt!

Wilhelm: Phew! That was close—Hans! Heike! Mein Gott, they're drunk!

(Hans and Heike are singing loudly and dancing clumsily, bumping heads with each other every ten seconds)

(Two hours later, Wilhelm hears his parents talking outside the house. They're talking to Old Lady Ackermann!)

Wilhelm: Scheiβe! My parents are home! Quick, everyone, out the window!

(Just as the fifth person is about to escape, Wilhelm's parents come in. They see that their younger children are drunk, and that their house is littered with garbage. They give Wilhelm a look that says, "You're in trouble".)

Wilhelm's dad: Alright, everybody out! (The other teens exit the house as quickly as they can.)

Wilhelm's mom: Oh God, my babies are drunk! (She picks Hans and Heike up and carries them to bed)

Heike: Show me the way to go home EVERYBODY!

Hans: I'm tired and I want to go to bed JUST THE WOMEN!

Wilhelm's dad: Wilhelm Peter Armbruster!

Wilhelm: I…I guess I'm grounded, huh? I mean…for, well, prank calling the Fuhrer…and throwing that party?

Wilhelm's dad: Nein, not for prank calling the Fuhrer—actually, I'm proud of you for doing that—but for throwing that party and getting your brother and sister drunk.

Wilhelm: Ah, verdammt.


Den mund halten: Shut up (literally "keep the mouth")

Kind Monster: Child Monster

Dummkopf: Stupid, idiot

Danke: Thank you

Verdammt!: Damn it!

Mein Gott: My God

Scheiβe!: Shit!

Nein: No