"It is the year 2013, but it's been that year for some time now. People stopped counting past that amidst the chaos of the apocalypse. Despite the dhampirs' noble efforts to save the world, the Final Days were already too late in coming.
"There is some good news. Mary managed to achieve honest fame with her band, Bloody Mary and the Somethings. It is quite popular in the refugee camps. Unfortunately, she can never get a record deal now. Civilization's collapsed, and the music industry along with it.
"Louis, lucky Louis, lives in a laboratory. As it turns out, he's immune to the virus you infected him with. So I wouldn't feel too bad about it, if I were you. But, I'm not you, so you can feel bad about it if you'd like to.
"Mick has a respectable clerical job. Not that he has much choice. His manager, a demonic fiend and business associate of the pinstriped PR guy, Larry, owns his soul. But it's a job, which is hard to come by in the apocalyptic chaos occurring on Earth. Yes, Mick is in corporate Hell now.
"Simon met Janie at some kind of zombie gathering. They're together now. With some kids. Living happily ever after. At least, as happily ever after as decomposing zombies can live.
"And you, Alexander, are sitting in a grass field. It's nighttime. You're confused and feverish.
"I was kidding about your friends and the end of the world. It's not 2013 yet. The world's not over. The thing is, the world could end at any time. No one knows when exactly. But you've saved it for now."
"Thanks, Gabe," said Alexander. "That's good to hear." He was not sure if that came out as sarcasm or genuine gratitude.
"Hey, you found the silver button on your own," said Gabe. "I barely helped. Thank you for sticking it out."
"It's over," Alexander whispered. The night air was cool and cleared some of the congestion in his tight chest.
"Not the world," said Gabe. "Not yet. There are a few things that could end it still." Alexander laid back in the grass.
"I don't want to hear about it. I'm done for now."
Now, before I finally let you go on to do whatever it is you normally do when you've finished reading a story, there is one last thing I should address. I would like to apologize to the following, for it is quite possible that I offended them at one point or another in this story:
Al Gore, and all those behind "An Inconvenient Truth." I'm sure your facts are much better researched than those of the demons in this story. And demons, you should know, are rampant liars and plagiarists. Did they even have power points back in the 1660s? I don't think so.
Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace. Just for mentioning them in association with the apocalypse.
Rock -especially pop rock- musicians. This was no personal attack, and for all you know, I probably even listen to your music. If I don't, you should recall that your music is in a very broad genre, and that it would be impossible for me to like and listen to all of it. Sorry about some of the stereotypes.
Woodchucks. Who, I'm sure, are plenty productive. So what if they stop chucking wood only half way through six chucks?
Muslims and Buddhists.
The makers of the Worst Case Scenario Travel Card Game™. It's fun, factual entertainment. And I am aware of the disclaimer that says your card game should not be used in real life situations. So please don't hold Louis, or me, liable for relying on your card game -or cursing it. They're un-damned, I swear.
Iceland. I meant no offense to its people, its language, or its volcanoes.
Vampire groupies. Sorry for the offense fangirls and writers of paranormal romance fanfiction. Jack Keen loves you. ;) (…Not really, but he appreciates you for business purposes at least).
Communists. Also, to English speakers with Russian accents. No, you do not sound like Dracula.
Blonds. Hey, some of my best friends are blond…
The media. It's not the first time you've been bashed. It won't be the last. But, I guess I'll leave that to Green Day from now on. (If Green Day's still even into that…)
The makers of Silly Bands, knockoffs included. I have some myself. Not an armload, but a decent amount… Not that there's anything at all crazy about having an armload of these.
The people behind Snuggies. Overlooking the fact that they look a bit cultish, they were good idea. Kudos for trying.
To Live Strong, Make Poverty History, Keep a Breast, To Write Love on Her Arms, Invisible Children, the New Mexico PTA, and other notable organizations that happen to sell wristbands in support of their causes, I especially apologize. I should not have pointed out how it's somewhat wrong for people to make fashion statements out of causes that they hardly lift a finger for otherwise. Keep up the good work.
Hmm. A few of those apologies sounded a bit like advertisements. Ah well, I'll leave them at that. If I managed to forget anyone, feel free to leave a complaint in the box provided below.
Please don't sue me.
To all other readers, I'll see you next time. Sequel? Yes, how about a sequel. The follow-up, I assure you, will have nothing to do with anything so grim as the world ending. I promise a much more pleasant story. So stick around for the next installment: "Louis Applies for American Citizenship."