Will I apologise for not updating since…
Umm… *Checks*
*Dramatically spits out hypothetical orange juice*
I thought it was like… one and a half months.

I have failed. Aah, well. I don't have a time machine.

Godfather Death, which is more or less a really good fairytale. There are many variations of 'But seriously. DEATH' in the actual blog, the Overall Opinion and this. You have been warned.

Le/la summary (I don't do French):
A peasant has twelve children and he works day and night to feed them, so when his thirteenth child is born, he runs out on the highway begging for a godfather. He turns down god and the devil, but hires Death (But seriously. DEATH.) because Death treats all equally (I kid you not). So Unlucky Thirteen is raised by Death, and when he became of age Death showed him a herb and said that he would make UT a talented and well-known physician. Death said that if he stood at the person's feet, the person would die, and if he stood at the person's head the person would live. UT followed these rules for years and eventually became stinking rich and famous. It is unknown if he helped his family. One day, the king was deathly ill. And Death was standing at the king's feet. UT thought that he could save the king by turning the bed around so Death was at his head. (Yes, I know.) The king is saved and Death doesn't kill UT because UT was his dear godson and stuff, but said that if he did it again Death won't be as merciful.
In natural fairytale fashion, the king's pretty daughter fell deathly ill (Death's revenge?) and the king almost blinded himself weeping. He said that whoever could save her could marry her and own half of the kingdom. Princess was doomed to die and UT saved her.
Death took UT to this awesomesauce cavern filled with candles burning at different heights. He explained that each candle was a person's life and when a candle went out, so did a life. He then pointed to a little candle barely able to burn and said to UT, 'That's your candle.'
UT freaked out, pulled out the 'I'm in love' card and asked if he could have a longer life. Death said he could and reached out to light another candle for him. But Death deliberately made an error, UT's candle went out and UT died.

The end.

Rule 101- If you already work day and night to keep your twelve children alive, don't have another child. Exercise your… umm… this is K+, so let's keep it there.

Situation-
Dad-
OH MY GOSH. I have twelve children, and work day and night to feed them. Whatever will I do if I were to have another child?

Right-
Dad/Mum-
Hey, we have twelve children. We already work our butts off to feed them. Let's just stop it with the children, shall we?

Wrong-
Dad/Mum-
*Proceeds to have a thirteenth child*

Disregarding may lead to-
Mr. Dad being forced to run out onto the highway? Yeah. That one.
If you do not want to run out on the highway because you can't provide for thirteen children, don't have thirteen children.

Rule 102- After having your thirteenth child, it is acceptable to go a little crazy because you probably can't work to keep him alive. However, it is never acceptable to run out on the highway looking for a godfather, turn down god and the devil and hire death. Hire an ordinary human who treats others fairly.

Situation-
After general happiness. (Wait, the fairy tale says that Dad ran out as soon as the kid was born.)
Dad-
Our thirteenth child has been birthed.
Mum- We can't keep him alive. We need a godfather.
Dad- Be right back. *Proceeds to run out on the highway* Will someone be the godfather of this little kid? I can't keep him alive! He is Unlucky Thirteen!

Right-
Dad-
No, not god, you make the rich richer and the poor poorer. No, not the devil, you deceive people and stuff. No, not death, you're freaking death. Where are all the ordinary people on this highway?

Wrong-
Dad-
No, not god, you make the rich richer and the poor poorer. No, not the devil, you deceive people and stuff. What? Death?
Death- I treat all fairly.
Dad- Baptism's at ten in the church. Be there.

Disregarding may lead to-
Death as your son's godfather. Death. Deathy deathy death-death. Do not hire death as your child's godfather. Don't.

Rule 103- The way to avoid death coming to you is not to simply turn the bed around so Death is standing at the person's head instead of feet. If it were this easy to cheat Death, we would be immortal. Cheating Death is stupid. Don't do it.

Situation-
UT-
I must save the King… He will make me richer than I already am. Did I even help my family with all this money? Whatever. I'll be rich. *Sees king*
Death- *Casually standing at the King's feet.
UT- No! Must… SAVE!

Right-
Option 1:
UT-
Time to feed Mr. King this magical herb which cures all the things…
Option 2:
UT- Can't cheat Death. He'll be really mad at me. And he's Death. I should probably do what I did for all the other soon-to-be-dead people. *Does not turn bed*

Wrong-
UT-
Turn ALL the beds! *Triumphantly raises fist and saves king*

Disregarding may lead to-
A very, very angry Death.

Rule 104- Do not call one a gifted physician if all that person needs to do is 'glance at the sick to know if he or she would die'. If the physician says the person will die despite all the things, and doesn't try to heal the person (and when he does simply turns the bed around), said physician is a butt.

Situation-
All-
Damn, that physician be good.

Right-
All-
But he doesn't even try to heal some people. He just looks and says there's no hope.

Wrong-
All-
All he needs to do is look at the sick person and he'll know if they're a lost cause or not!

Disregarding may lead to-
Aside from me hitting you over the head with a frying pan, not much, but this is a matter of good doctoring.

Rule 105- Don't save someone simply because that person happens to be a pretty princess and you will marry her/'inherit half of the kingdom if she lives. Just… I have been here for one hundred and five rules. I know what I'm talking about.

Situation-
UT-
The pretty pretty princess will not survive… whatever shall I do? If I turn the bed I marry her and inherit half of the kingdom and dear Godfather will be dead… if I don't turn the bed… she dies… but dear Godfather won't kill me.

Right-
UT-
Safest to not turn the bed around. Sorry, Mr. King, she won't make it.

Wrong-
UT-
Turn ALL the beds! *Triumphantly raises fist and saves pretty pretty princess*

Disregarding may lead to-
A very angry Death, and we all know that if you anger Death enough by cheating him of two of his victims you will die.

Overall Rating on the ApplePie of Awesomeness Scale, as usual, ripped off from my Blogging Life:
4 out of 5 Slices on the ApplePie of Awesomeness Scale. (Nomnom nom. Apple pie.) This fairytale was pretty original and tolerable, but seriously, DEATH.

Anyway. That was fun. I'll try to update on time next time.

For now though, I need to do my homework.