Title: Roman Charity
Description: Suddenly the questions were gone and she all that was left were answers.
Characters: April and Lucina (also called Cici).
Word Count: 4388
Disclaimer: All characters and situations are fictional and are the sole property of the author. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
Feedback: Accepted with love and squees.
April usually came over Cici's house when she needed to talk. She'd always been a good friend, a friend she could confide in. And that's why she had come over today.
"I guess what hurts so much," April continued, "is that Kurt won't even acknowledge what he's done. I mean, I don't know if I deserve that, even though I think I do. But I believe, and I've gone over this so many times in my mind, but when a person acknowledges to you that they were wrong, it provides a measure of closure. And I think that's why I can't, you know, get over it."
"I can see that," Cici said. She sat back on the sofa, nestling herself into the pillows.
"At first I thought the civil suit to get back the money he owed me and all the property he kept would help me move past this whole… debacle. But as I walked out of that courtroom and saw him laughing in the ear of that wench, it was like he was cheating on me all over again."
"Yeah," Cici agreed, nodding empathetically.
"I mean, what do you think? Do you think I should go over there and make him acknowledge what he's taken from my life? Because he was my first live-in. I made decisions based on being with him. I invested myself in him. And then he just wakes up one morning and says 'Oh, I have something to tell you,' like he was going to buy a new dog."
Cici placed her hands on either side of herself and sat up on the edge of the sofa, squirming a little. She sighed.
"Really, I think you should let him go," she said. "You have the right to live a full life that brings you happiness, fulfillment and purpose and you should start living it now."
It was April's turn to sigh. "That's easier said that done, Cici."
"I know it is," she agreed, then bit her bottom lip. She paused before continuing. "But I've been there. And you have to do it."
April shook her head dejectedly, turning away.
"Look," Cici said, squinting a little. "When Roxie left me, I thought my world was going to end. She was my world. And there I was, 29 years old, desperately wanting a baby, and had no partners in sight. I was alone. I was scared. But most of all I was enslaved to a reality that didn't exist. One day I realized that I can live my life; I can have my dreams and can be the person I want to be—with or without a partner. If someone wants to come along for the ride, great. But if not, that has nothing to do with me. And that's when I carried my ass down to the sperm bank and now I have Little Lucina."
April just shook her head. "And I'm happy for you. But, I mean… don't you want a partner to help you? Don't' you want someone to grow old with?"
"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it," she snapped back.
April sat back a little, wounded.
"Fine—you're sick of hearing it; I get that. But I came to you as a friend, not to get yelled at."
Cici shook her head. "It's not you," she replied while grimacing, and let out a protracted sigh. It was then that April realized that she was in pain.
"Are you OK?" she asked placing a hand on Cici's back.
"Yeah," she said smiling a little. "It's just, I'm engorged." She looked up to find April confused. "My breasts are full of milk and when they get like that, it's—" she chuckled a little, "really painful."
"Oh," April replied. She glanced over at the bassinet. "So, I guess you can't nurse the baby because she's… sleeping?"
"It's not that," Cici explained. "It's that I have to go back to work in two weeks. At first I was going to wean her, but the more I read the more I realized that I wanted her to get my breast milk. So now I only nurse her once in the morning and before bedtime—maybe around noon if she's really fussy—so she will get used to me being gone during the day. The rest of the time… I pump. But I'm still finding my rhythm and sometimes, I get really engorged."
Cici looked at her. "I was going to wait until you leave, but… you don't mind if I pump in front of you, do you?"
"Oh, not at all," April said. "Go… go right ahead."
Cici nodded appreciatively and then, gently lifting herself from the couch, shuffled towards the back bedroom. When she returned, she was carrying in her hand a small pack, about the size of a lunch bag. She pulled out a cord and plugged it into the wall, then took out a small suction cup before screwing on a bottle to the bottom. Then she pulled off her shirt. April noticed the nursing bra she had on underneath. Her breasts were much larger than they had been in the past when they used to go to the beach to play volleyball. She wondered why she hadn't noticed before.
Then, to her shock, Cici pulled her bra off altogether then sat back a little, positioning several pillows around herself. After attaching the pump, she kneaded her left breast a little, and then flicked on a switch. There was a hissing sound and it pumped several times before any milk actually came out. When it did, Cici laid her head on the back of the couch contentedly, a soft sigh escaping from her parted lips.
April looked on at the scene with supreme wonder. She noticed as a little milk leaked from Cici's other breast. She told her so.
"The other one is leaking."
Opening one eye, Cici glanced down, before closing her eyes again. "Yeah, that always happens, it's called the letdown reflex. Sometimes the other breast wants in on the action."
"So where were we?" Cici resumed without moving. "Yes, getting a plan to move on without Kurt."
But April didn't respond. She was transfixed by the reps of hissing and pumping before her.
"So you have to do this a lot?" she asked.
Cici turned her head to one side thinking. "Well, a few times a day."
April sat frozen still spellbound. "And have you ever… tasted it?"
Cici giggled a little. "Once. A little sweet, a little warm. A little milky." She paused. "You can if you want."
"Wow," she gasped. "I guess… I guess I could. When will you be done pumping?"
"You can taste it now. From the other one."
April's head snapped to Cici, shocked. "Really?"
Cici nodded. "Or not. I don't care." She laughed a little. "But it's not poison, you know."
"I know, I know," April said.
Cici began to explain. "I'll walk you through it. First you place your lips around—oh!" she gasped. She looked down to find April flicking her nipple with her tongue. She fell out laughing. April shrunk back embarrassed. "That's… you're never going to get anything like that."
"Then, what do I do?" she asked.
Cici waved April over with her hand. April followed. "Sit here on the floor next to me," she instructed. April obeyed. "Now, place your mouth around my entire areola, being careful with your teeth and press down gently while pressing upward with your tongue." April hesitated a minute.
"I'm not gay," she said, looking up at Cici with trepidation.
"I know that," Cici said with a smile. "This doesn't make you gay; it makes you a future mom."
April nodded. That made sense. She was only 22, but she wanted to have kids someday, and this… this was a part of having kids. She lifted her mouth to Cici's breast as instructed and pushed up her tongue. It took a couple sucks, but then—out came a pool of milk into her mouth.
She pulled away.
"Good job," Cici said, smiling. "How was it?"
But April didn't answer. She got up and grabbed her purse. "I'm…" she stuttered. "I'm going." She stood and ran for the door.
When Amy got home, she stripped naked and stood in front of her floor length mirror. She was a petite size four, and had medium-sized breasts and hips to match. She had always been indifferent about her body, though she'd generally felt pretty. She'd always been healthy and athletic, and she could feel the eyes of boys following her when she sauntered around the beach in her fuchsia bikini. But thinking back on Cici—her body bloated from recent childbirth and her tits saggy and aching—she felt like her own body paled in comparison. Cici's body was… miraculous. It had given birth to a child only to turn around and feed that child. Cici's body had purpose… sacred purpose. And April had never thought of a woman's body in that way before.
The whole next day at work, in between delivering mozzarella sticks to customers, handing orders to the kitchen and running credit cards, she couldn't stop thinking about what had happened the day before. In a moment of fear, she had acted rashly, and she could only imagine how Cici had felt. She resolved that she would go back to Cici's that night to apologize.
April dropped by Cici's house unannounced and knocked on the door, half hoping that she wouldn't answer. April cringed when she thought back on how she had run out... and yet, for all her wonder at what she'd learned the day before, she was still afraid. Maybe Cici was too mature for her. Maybe they were too far apart in life to be true friends. Cici probably saw her for the child she was.
She was so lost in thought that she was startled when the door swung open.
"You're back," Cici said, a trace of sarcasm in her voice.
"I know," April replied embarrassed. The two women stood staring at each other for a moment.
"Did you want something?" she asked.
"It's just…" She paused. "I came to apologize. I don't know what came over me last night, but… it was such a new experience for me and I guess I just freaked out. I am really, really sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated like some… like some freak show."
Cici didn't say anything for a while. Then she nodded. "You're right, I didn't. I shared something with you very intimate because I thought we were friends, and you… well, you betrayed that moment."
"I did, I know," April persisted, unsure of how to proceed or what to say. "But I want you to know that you didn't waste that moment on me. I feel like I had a revelation last night. I think you're… amazing. I think your body is amazing. And I want you to know that I learned a little—well a lot about what it means to be a woman."
Cici's face warmed some. There was even something of a smile. "I appreciate that."
April nodded contentedly.
"I would invite you in," Cici continued, "but I just got the baby down and I was about to pump some."
"Actually," April began. "Could I come in and watch?"
"Umm… I dunno," Cici said reluctantly.
"No, I promise. No running. Believe me—I want to learn." Cici didn't say anything. "Or we could just talk."
Cici sighed, then stood back and, opening the door, motioned for April to come in. Then, she went over to the couch where her pumping "station" was already set up. She massaged her breast a little then attached the pump. There were a few hisses, just like the day before, but this time…
"Dammit" Cici said. She massaged her breast more, but no milk came out.
"What's the problem?" April asked.
Cici shot her a look from the corner of her eye. "My letdown reflex is… stalled." She glanced at April again. "It happens when I'm stressed out."
April caught the hint, biting the inside of her mouth. This whole apology business and put Cici on edge. "Is there, anything I can do?"
Cici looked up and then back at her breast, which she was vigorously massaging. "Maybe if you could take a shot at the other one."
Was Cici asking her to… suck her other breast? She sat motionless a moment, surprised.
"And I know you're not gay," Cici said mockingly. "I just… could use the help."
Without another word, April dropped down beside her, just as she had learned the day before and, placing her mouth around Cici's areola, gently began to suck as her tongue pressed upward. It took a little longer this time, but after a few sucks, she could feel a warm liquid in her mouth. It startled her a little, but this time she didn't let go. After a few moments, she could feel Cici began to breathe.
"It… it worked," Cici said, smiling. "Wow." She looked down at April. "You don't have to keep going… unless you want to."
April stopped for a moment. "I don't mind," she said, and resumed suckling. With each tug, her mouth filled with more liquid, and she could feel it leaking from the sides of her mouth.
"Don't forget to swallow," Cici admonished her gently. "Or breathe."
Good idea, April thought to herself, as she had been holding her breath the entire time. She wondered how a baby could learn to do this at such a tender age when she—an adult—was having so much trouble, but she figured it was just another miracle of childbirth. She thought about saying so but didn't want to pull away.
And then, something unexpected happened: calm came over her. A tranquility she hadn't felt in… months. She could feel the pent-up tensions in her body fading away and she became adrift in a feeling of peaceful relaxation. All the while, her sucking was unabated. It went from a conscious movement to a reflex. Each suckle seemed to place her deeper and deeper into total serenity. She thought could suckle there forever.
After several moments, Cici placed her hand on the back of April's head, tenderly caressing her hair as she suckled. The added physical contact made something stir in her, and she could feel herself growing warmer; she pulled away for a second.
"Are you OK?" Cici asked.
April waited a beat as she got up her courage. "Would you mind if I took off my dress?" she asked bashfully.
Without answering, Cici pulled the dress over her head and dropped it to the floor. Then she motioned for April to sit on the couch. Wordlessly, Cici placed a pillow beside herself, and then lay April on her back while placing her head on her own lap against the pillow. Once situated, April resumed suckling and soon slipped back into the silent reverie of suckling at Cici's teat. What was at first just comforting was turning into something else. She could feel a tingling sensation rise up through her body. It started out slow, in the tips of her fingers and up through her arms. Her heart beat faster and her breath quickened. The pattern became entrancing: suck, swallow breathe; suck, swallow, breathe; suck, swallow, breathe. It set the pace for her entire body and the tingling took on motion: a quaking in her limbs, a tremble on her lips, in pulsing in her loins. Her sucking became stronger and more rhythmic.
Cici leaned down low, whispering into her ear. "You were hungry, baby," she cooed. "Mommy will feed you." And then April realized that even Cici knew that this had turned into more than just a favor. She rested her hand against Cici's outstretched arm, still cradling her head. When she did, she could feel chill bumps rise on Cici's skin, and she rubbed gently, feeling the hair bristle under her touch. And then…
All went silent.
April lifted her head. "What happened?"
"I cut the pump off. All the milk is out."
April nodded, disappointment written on her face. It… was over. The most intimate, secure, even fulfilling moment she had experienced in years (maybe ever) was over. She sat up slowly, trying to hide her dejection, and balled herself up on the couch.
"How was it?" she asked.
April nodded contently. "Wonderful."
Relief crossed her face. "Good."
And then, a question came across her face.
"What is it?" April asked.
"May… may I?" Cici answered.
April looked down at her dry breasts. They felt small and useless. "They don't have any milk."
"I know, it's just…" she paused. "I just…" she trailed off.
April removed her bra slowly, tossing it to the side and lifted up one breast with her hand. Cici crawled forward on the couch, slipping herself between April's legs while steadying herself arms, and took the nipple in her mouth. She started slowly, uncertainly, at first, before lightly pulling on the hardening tit. She tugged at it with her lips and, with each tug, took more and more into her mouth until she finally began to suck.
April never imagined that having her own breast sucked, as dry and impotent as it may be, would feel so… incredible. This wasn't the passing lick and nibble of the men that had come before. This was a single-minded devotion to—worship of—her bosom. Whatever reserve that remained in her left at that moment, and she wrapped her legs around Cici's outstretched body. She placed both hands on either side of Cici's head and pulled her face up in front of her own.
"Kiss me," she demanded.
"But… but you aren't gay," Cici reminded her.
April nodded. "I know, but this feels right."
Cici moved closer, and then paused. "Are you sure?"
April closed in on her mouth. It was different from what she had experienced so many timed before. No stubble, no hair. Cici's lips were soft and supple and smooth and moist. She hungrily explored every inch, every crevice and nook. She let her tongue play in the crannies of her mouth. She pulled away before starting in on Cici's neck when Cici suddenly pulled away.
"Wait," she said breathless. "Are we going to do this? For real and honestly?"
April squinted at the interruption. "Yeah," she panted.
"Stop talking," April pleaded. She pulled Cici closer and the two caressed each other as they fell deeper into the moment, caressing the soft curves of their shoulders, the smooth recesses of their necks, the bulbous orbs of their breasts, and the silky tendrils of their hair. Finally Cici pulled down April's panties and eagerly began to stroke her clit. A shot of euphoria ran through her body and she collapsed weak upon Cici. This was new for her, and she didn't want to be selfish, but she didn't know what to do. She reciprocated by pulling down Cici's panties, and began to pleasure her in kind. They continued this way for several moments, with April on top until she got an idea. Pulling her lips away from her Cici's lips, she dropped back, making her way down to—
"No," Cici said pushing her head away. "Let me."
"But I want to," April said.
"No," Cici insisted, breathlessly, urgently. She sat up and, after accosting her with one more kiss, pushed April down against the pile of pillows on the couch. Impaling her with a look of feline desire, she descended upon her pussy with reckless fervor. Her tongue led the way, enthusiastically lapping up the sensuous fluid that was a sign of April's mounting desire. Her lips were soon to follow, and sucked voraciously at her engorged clit. April groaned under the stimulation; she clawed uncontrollably at her own face, running her fingers through her hair, frantic with excitement and arousal. Cici looked up for a second, offering her two fingers.
"Suck on these," she purred. April took the two digits in her mouth, wishing they were the rock hard nipples that had brought her to this state. Snatching them away, Cici rammed them into pussy, shoving them in and out.
And that… that was it. Unable to restrain the tension that seized her with pleasure and helpless before its force, a scream of pure bliss escaped from her throat as her body convulsed with waves of sexual energy, permeating every atom of her body and the very depth of her being. Barely recovering from her orgasm, she lay ravished and quivering. Opening her eyes, she found Cici above her, pleasuring herself while watching April's post-coital stupor with steady resolve, spurred by the fruits of her work. Her own pleasure mounting, she brought herself to orgasm, her hips bucking against the relentless urging of her own hand. When she was done, she fell next to the young woman, spent and blind with satisfaction.
They shared one more tired, sloppy kiss before embracing and lying motionless along each other. Cici smiled.
"And that milady," she whispered, "is how you suck a tit."
April went home that night changed. But not in the way she thought.
Was she gay? Was she bi? Was she just a straight latecomer to all those slumber parties she heard about in freshman year?
The questions kept coming. But the answers weren't as forthcoming. Things got even hairier when she ran across a photo of Kurt in an old purse and wondered where he was. Why did she even care?
The fact that she did made her feel guilty.
Regardless, she was finding herself at Cici's house several times a week. They would talk like old times—about her baby, about their jobs, about movies they'd seen, books they'd read, and songs that got them through another day.
But other times, more and more, she found herself at Cici's breast, drinking in the life-affirming fluid that made her feel alive and cherished and part of something universal and grand. Cici's nurturing hand would cradle her warmly, goading her to satisfy her longing without hesitation and without fear. And many a night they found themselves, tangled in each other, giving each other a sensual reprieve from the daunting world outside.
One night they lie in bed, holding hands, and silent. April turned to Cici.
"Am I gay?" she asked.
Cici turned to her, looking at her with a sage regard that sometimes made April feel less like her lover and more like her student.
"You tell me," she answered.
April was not satisfied. "I don't know actually. How does it feel to be… a lesbian?"
Cici winced at the word. April even felt its harshness in the tenderness of a warm bed.
Cici took a sip of her water by the nightstand, and then looked up at the ceiling. "I've never been straight, April" she began. "So I can't compare being a lesbian to anything else. But what I can tell you is that in my life, I've always searched for love. And I know love is passion, and love is loyalty and love is an absence of fear." She turned to April and looked adoringly in her eyes. She pushed April's tussled hair away from her face, before caressing her cheek with the back of her hand. "Dearest April," she said, "If you ever find those things in one person… never let go."
April nestled her head under Cici's chin, closed her eyes and held on tight.
On the way home from work one afternoon, April stopped by 7-11 to grab a cup of coffee and a muffin. While she was checking out, she spotted the latest issue of Parenthood magazine, and squatted down to snag a copy. When she stood back up, she was face to face with Kurt.
"How are you?" he asked pleasantly. He looked summer-worn—his hair was longer, his skin was darker. But his eyes were as blue as ever.
"I'm good," she said. "And you?"
"Good, good," he answered in a way that suggested that the opposite was true. A woman approached him, a different one than the whore that had caused her so much grief.
"This is Shelly," he said by way of introduction. "Shelly, April." The two women nodded at each other coolly. Then Shelly touched his arm and signaled that she would wait for him in the car, before exiting. April expected him to walk off, but he lingered another moment staring at her expectantly.
"Don't take this the wrong way," he began, "but, you know, if you're ever driving around the Southside and just want a cup of coffee… call me up, OK?"
April looked at him a minute, as surprised at his offer as she was at what she said next.
She placed a hand on his arm and looked him in the eyes. "I've always wanted love in my life, Kurt," she explained. "And I've learned that love is passion, and love is loyalty and love is an absence of fear." He looked back blankly. "Have you found that?"
He glanced absently at the door for a moment, and then back at April.
"No," he answered at last.
"Well I have," she said. "And I'm never letting it go."
Unable to mask his disappointment, he nodded with some mixture of regret and fascination. "Good for you," he said.
She grabbed her things and walked out of the store into a late summer afternoon. The late-day sun cast a glow on everything around her. As she drove to Cici's, the world seemed to fall wistfully around her, beckoning her to live. Joyfully, she walked up to the door of Cici's home, which was quickly becoming her own.
Cici opened the door and the two shared a kiss.
"Good for me," April declared triumphantly. "Good for us."
"Good for us?" Cici repeated quizzically.
April looked at Cici, who was carrying Lucina—and there was no doubt in her mind that they were love. And suddenly the questions were gone and she all that was left were answers. "Yeah," April replied with a smile as big as the day was free. "Good for us."