Chapter 2: Words Starts To Fail Me

When I fall, I fall hard. Even better, I crash.

In P.E. Alyssa Hamilton, captain of the girls' volleyball team, aims the ball and throws it up in the air, but it hits my head instead and the sheer force of her power knocks me to the ground. It's totally on accident, though, Alyssa claims after our P.E teacher demands to know why I'm lying prostrate on the ground. Of course, it isn't on purpose. It isn't like Alyssa knows what she is doing. She's a total amateur athlete. After all, it isn't like she's the captain of the girls' volleyball team either, right?

Right.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that this shouldn't have come as a surprise to me and it's not the first time she's pulled a stunt like that. Alyssa loves messing around with the people weaker than her. And I'm definitely an easy target, the perfect plaything, because I don't fight back. Not because I'm weak, but because I don't want to.

Nobody says anything because everybody is afraid of her – Alyssa is one hell of a scary girl. Even the big boys are afraid of her. But, compared to my mother, Alyssa is practically an angel.

I should know because once we used to be friends. It's an old story and she's warned me already that if I tell another living soul about our history, she'd make sure that I don't live to see my graduation day. Her threat was supposed to intimidate me, but it only made me feel bad for her because, believe or not, Alyssa used to be a really sweet girl once, but people change and sometimes life makes them change. Pain has this effect one people, I guess. Some things are out of control and it just so happens that people would turn into the one thing they've always despised.

Making the best out of a bad situation, however, I fake what might be a headache (or a concussion) and spend the rest of the period holding my head and sitting on the bench. One good thing comes out of this, though. I'm no longer in the game and am lucky to survive with minor damage. P.E. is a test of will. Those girls I have to play with are beasts and I'm, hands down, the least athletic girl out of the bunch. Probably even on the planet. I mean, I don't even have one athletic bone in my body, I suck that much. I'm lucky Alyssa's having a bad day, too, and the ball had only hit the back of my head and not like, knocked me out unconscious. Last time the ball slipped from her fingers, Stacey McGraw got a broken nose to testify for it.

I touch the bump on the back of my head and visibly cringe. Damn, that girl really knows how to throw a ball. After class is over – thank god for that – I rush to change out of my sweaty gym clothes and get to my next period before anybody else because school traffic is a total bore and all that jostling and bustling makes me feel claustrophobic. But, as my luck would have it, I drop my books before I can go anywhere. I groan in dismay, cursing my clumsiness and hurry to pick them up before everybody steps all over them. I don't have the money to buy new ones. Surprisingly, someone crouches down next to me and when I glance up, I realize it's no other but Caroline.

"Hey, Gigi," she says sweetly, a small smile forming on her lips as she hands me book and I feel my face flush because not only does Caroline Emerson know my real name, but she also has a special nickname for me. The closest thing to a nickname I have is George and Todd only uses it because Gwen gets real mad when he does. "You have AP English right now, right?" she asks, looking at me expectantly and I nod in affirmative before hiking my bag higher up on my shoulder so that it won't fall off again, like it does on numerous occasions during the day, thanks to my clumsy self. Whoever said that clumsy girls are cute has obviously never met me.

"So do I," Caroline exclaims happily, but that's already something I know and can't join in her excitement, not because of lack of trying, but because that blow to my head has really messed me up by the looks of it. "Come on, I'll walk with you," she says quickly and before even giving me a chance to object, she starts pulling at my hand and hauling me along with her. People part like the Red Sea when they see her coming and even though the hallways are always so crowded that I barely have any room to breathe, let alone move, no elbows come flying my way because everyone keeps their distance. Such a bliss. I've always wondered what it's like to be so popular and feared that people would make way for you and walking side by side with Caroline, who's easily the It girl at school, I get a small taste of what it must be like to be her. When I walk down the hallways, it always seems like everybody else is going in the opposite direction of the one I'm heading in, so it's a bit of a hassle trying to navigate my way around when it feels like everyone is about to run me over in their tearing hurry.

But Caroline walks with such swanky confidence, holding her head up high that she doesn't even notice how people go out of their way not to get into her way?

How can anyone get used to this?

Seriously, it blows my mind.

"Listen, Gigi," she says and I realize that she's just about, or has been talking all this time I've been thinking about how Caroline is like Moses who parted the Red Sea, then she takes an unnaturally deep breath which makes my insides clench in anticipation because I don't know what to expect, "about Alyssa and what she did to you today in gym…"

"Oh, that," I sigh in relief because Alyssa's immature pranks and idea of fun has stopped bothering me a long, long time ago. Try a decade ago. "Don't worry about it, it's fine," I say carelessly and then wave my hand off at her because I do think it's fine and that nothing can be done. I let Alyssa have her fun and if I'm lucky, she'd leave me alone for a few days before growing bored and running back to bother me again. She tries to break me down, but so far she's never succeeded. It's better that she goes after me and not some other defenseless girl that doesn't know her as well as I do. Besides that, once you get used to the verbal abuse, it will be a smooth sailing from then on.

"No, it's not fine," Caroline says angrily, like she can't believe I can be so blasé about all this and then furrows her brows in thought. "It's definitely not fine! I was there and I saw everything. The way she treats you…," her voice drifts off until it finally disappears as Caroline hangs her head down, "it's not right. I'm sorry because I'm embarrassed to be associated with people like her and-"

Caroline's pallid cheeks flush in shame and she avoids my gaze pointedly as I gawk at her. I've never expected a high school nobody like me to get an apology from someone with Caroline's social upstanding. The mere thought has never crossed my mind because of how ridiculous it sounds. I've always assumed that this is the way it has to be. That's what all the movies I've watched taught me, anyways. It's not like I have low (or non-existent) self-esteem that would try to convince me I'm not worthy of Caroline's attention. No, it's not that at all. I know that Caroline and Alyssa go into the same circle of friends, so I'm surprised that Caroline would pick my side.

"We're not responsible for what our friends do," I interrupt her, which I can admit is a bit rude, but if that's what Caroline wanted to talk about, I'd rather we didn't. We can't control our friends (take Gwen and I for example) – even she can't hold that kind of power over anyone. All I'm saying is that if I could control Gwen, I would make her a mute.

"I know, but still, I confronted her about it and I just want you to know that if she bothers you ever again, just come to me, okay?" Caroline turns to face me, giving me her undivided attention and making sure that I get what she means and I do get the gist of it. Surprisingly, I really do get it.

"Okay," I say quietly, floored that Caroline would go against her friends to defend me and I start to see why Gwen's convinced that Micah's still madly in love with her. It's impossible not to love Caroline. "Thank you," I murmur, but I doubt that she even hears me, or if she does, she doesn't make an indication of it, because we're standing in front of our classroom and after giving my arm a gentle squeeze, she goes in while I linger outside for a little while, still stumped by what has just happened.

When I walk in, no one turns to stare at me, which is always a nice surprise and change from the ordinary, but then I remember why I'm practically invisible to everyone – this is the one and only period that Micah and Caroline share and every pair of eyes is focused on the couple alone, eager to see a fight break out between them, but nothing of the sort happens. For some reason, my eyes are immediately drawn to Caroline's ex-boyfriend who's sitting at the back of the classroom. I don't even realize I'm staring until Micah catches my gaze and it's like this is first time he really notices me standing there like a fool and not knowing what to do with myself. He knits his blond eyebrows together before looking away at last, probably creeped out beyond belief that there's some weird girl giving him the eye. Not every kind of attention is a good, or wanted, attention, you know. It's also weird to think that I was probably making him uncomfortable and nervous, but for all the wrong reasons. Before I do something stupid, I sit down in one of the chairs near the front, not once glancing back during the whole lesson, even though I could swear someone's eyes are boring holes into my back of my head.

When the final bell rings, signaling our freedom, I'm the first one out of my seat and racing out the door with agility that surprises me because for once I'm eager to go home. Everyone's in uproar and Ms. Garcia's voice is drowned out by the noise all the students are making, so as I reach the door, I hear her say something along the lines of doing a group project and getting a partner and whatnot, but I'm not entirely sure because it's too noisy and my hearing has never been that spectacular, anyways.

As I wait outside next to Todd's beaten-up old Honda that's definitely seen better days before his dad passed it down on him, hoping to catch a glimpse of him or Gwen, I spot my kid sister walking out hand in hand with Travis, our school's self-proclaimed bad boy. The afternoon sun is beating down on us mercilessly and I feel a trickle of sweat run down the furrow of my spine, yet Travis is wearing his trademark leather jacket and I'm literally getting hot just by looking at him. He must be sweating like a cat in heat in there, but he'll be damned if he doesn't look as cool as he thinks he is.

Thankfully, I don't have to think about my sister dating the biggest jerk I've ever met because Gwen and Todd are right behind them and judging by the way Gwen is gesticulating animatedly, I'll say they're fighting once more. Sometimes I think that my best friends do nothing but argue all the time, which is probably not far from the truth.

I sigh inwardly, knowing that they'll make me choose a side again and I'd rather not get involved.

When they finally reach me and I push myself off the car with some considerable difficulty, Gwen somewhat calms down upon seeing me and gets into the backseat without making a fuss about it. She usually calls shotgun, but obviously today she doesn't want to be anywhere near Todd. This is going to be one long ride home by the looks of it.

I climb in the passenger seat and turn around to look at Gwen as Todd starts the car and peels out of the school's parking lot.

"Is everything okay?" I ask her, threading lightly, but one can never be too careful when Gwen's concerned. She's got her arms folded across her chest again, which is basically her defense mechanism. Hey, she isn't the only good at reading signs and people.

Gwen spares me a fleeting glance, like it's me she's mad at, snorts derisively, then looks out the window and answers somewhat tersely, "Grant asked me out."

Well, normal girls would be ecstatic – in the very least, excited, or hell… flattered about having a guy ask them out, but in Gwen's defense, she's anything but normal.

"O-kay," I say slowly, trying to remember if I know the guy she's talking about, "and that's bad because…?"

"Because Todd forced him to!" she yells, her blazing eyes never once leaving the back of Todd's brown-haired head. I'm a bit relieved to have her screaming her head off again because I've learnt the hardest way that a silent Gwen is deadlier than a raving mad one.

"I didn't force anyone to do anything!" Todd replies indignantly, giving her a bitter glare in the rearview mirror. "I might've just nudged him in the right direction."

"Nudged him?" Gwen bellows like a headless banshee, grabbing at her head. "You basically shoved him!"

"Hey, you're the one who's always going on about how "Grant is grand" and all that shit. I thought I was doing you a favor!" Todd says defensively and I weigh the odds of me staying alive after leaping out of a moving car. There are far worse ways to die.

"Do yourself a favor and keep your opinion to yourself, Todd! I think Georgiana's grand, too, but do you see me asking her out, huh?" Gwen pokes her head between the two front seats and screams in my ear. I'd like to think that it's Todd's hearing that she wants to impair, but I'm usually suffering along with him because that's what friends do – share the burden and pain. I guess I should be flattered because Gwen's has just paid me the most roundabout compliment ever, but I can focus on nothing else but the volume of her voice.

"Hell, woman," Todd yells back at her and I rest my head against the window, figuring that this has just turned into another contest of who can scream louder that I don't want to have any part of, "do you want me to apologize for trying to help you out?"

As a matter of fact, I think that's exactly what Todd should do, but since Gwen's in the car with us, I decide to take her advice and do the smart thing – keep my opinions to myself.

Then, as if they've rehearsed thousands times before, both Todd and Gwen turn to look at me and simultaneously ask, "Do you see what I have to put up with?"

"Guys," I say in the calmest voice I can pull off, "do you know one of the reasons why Switzerland is so prosperous?" I ask and my plan seems to be working surprisingly well because now instead of fighting with each other, my friends are staring at me, like I'm a train that has derailed. "Because historically it has maintained a neutral status since 1815, so think of me as Switzerland since I'm also declaring neutrality."

"You girls are freaks," Todd officially proclaims in his booming voice after a beat of silence and I hide a smile because I'm a freak and I'm proud to be one. It's not something I'm ashamed of, or strive to change about myself. It's not something I should be ashamed of, either. It's just the way I am. It's okay because the three of us are all freaks and that's fine; no one said everybody can be perfect. Even though he's no good at showing it, I know Todd loves that about us, loves that sometimes we don't make sense to other people.

Perhaps there's something in the water I drank, or maybe I'm just in incredibly high spirits, but when Todd drops me off at my house and he and Gwen are still yapping at each other like two rabid dogs, I thank God for my friends because they might be freaks and all, but it's always nice to know that there's someone out there who gets you and accepts you and loves you for being a freak like them.

Luckily, there's no one home and I race up the stairs, taking two at a time because I'm meeting my cousin later and I want to get started on my homework and be out of here before Norah, my mom, returns from work and finds some way to ruin my mood since she's always been good at that. After I'm finished with my schoolwork, I quickly shower, put on some clean clothes, run a comb through my hair, and let it air dry, not caring whether it got frizzy or not, and then I go on the porch to wait for Michelle to come pick me up. Frankly, my cousin has always been more like a sister to me than my real sister. Since we're born only ten hours apart, we've always joked that we're astrological twins. Michelle's bubbly, outgoing, fun-loving, chatty, carefree, pretty much everything I'm not, but we balance each other out nicely. Whenever I feel bad, she's the first one to cheer me up and it's hard not to love someone who's shown you nothing but kindness.

When I go to look down the road, I see her car turn the corner. Since I haven't seen her in over a week because of our busy schedules, I get excited to talk to my best friend face to face again. She gets out of her car while the engine's still running and gives me a bear hug that just about cuts off my air supply, but a wide grin spreads across my face nonetheless as a sense of peace washes over my body. Michelle gives the best hugs. When she wraps her arms around you, she can thaw even the hardest of hearts and make even the saddest person smile. I've needed that hug for quite some time.

"Air, 'Chelle, I need air to breathe," I choke out, patting Michelle's back until she finally pulls away and grins back at me.

"Air? Who needs air when you have me?" she asks jokingly and I'm just about to respond when she suddenly goes serious and grabs my hand. "Come on, let's get out of here before the Wicked Witch catches us," she says, referring to my mom who's been known to be quite… wicked, for a lack of better word. For some reason, Michelle can stand being in the same room as my mom, like it physically pains her to look at Norah's face, so she goes out of her way to avoid her, even though Norah's her aunt. I don't protest though as we get into the car and Michelle drives away, leaving my house in the rearview mirror. Last thing I want is to have my mom looking over my shoulder and nagging at me about everything and nothing at the same time.

Michelle and I go out for ice-cream as we usually do whenever we meet up. Between our extracurricular activities, my babysitting job, and Michelle's boyfriend, we rarely find any time to just… hang out. It's the only time when I can really relax and be a normal teenager for a bit, pretend that I have a normal family and normal problems. Michelle doesn't scold me for ordering the biggest sundae they offer and doesn't start preaching to me about how it will go straight to my thighs. Instead she gets a big sundae, too, we find a booth and we sit down, enjoying our ice-creams and each other's company.

"So, how's life going, G?" Michelle asks conversationally, licking her ice-cream and glancing back at me.

I shrug, thinking that I have nothing to report to her. The days blend in and it's all the same. "Good," I say, hoping this will appease Michelle's curiosity, "it's all good."

"And Norah? Is she taking her meds?" Michelle asks next and I heave out a sigh, wondering if I'm going to live to see the day when Michelle won't interrogate me about my mom. We both know how bad it is, but I also comfort myself with the thought that it could be worse. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that things can always get worse.

"I think so," I say, but I don't sound very convinced myself because I've made it my point to stay out of Norah's way and not to intrude on her personal business. Last time I tried to get Norah to take her medication and behave like the responsible adult she is supposed to be, she called me a meddlesome little bitch and slapped me so hard that I was seeing stars all day long. My left cheek still stings when I think about it.

"You know," Michelle starts, sitting up straight in her seat and giving me a serious look to let me know that she's not messing around, "the offer still stands. You can always come live with me. Mom would love to have us with us," Michelle assures me, like she's done bazillion times before, not once taking her eyes off my face, and I know her words to be true. Aunt Deb's my mom's polar opposite and I have no seed of doubt in my mind that if I wanted this, she'd have me moving in with them in a heartbeat, faster than I can blink. Michelle's always said that I got stuck with the mean mom and that much is true. Compared to me, she's basically won the mom lottery. You can't get any better than Aunt Deb.

As touched as I am by Michelle's heartfelt offer, family is family and blood is blood. Even if Norah's quite possibly in the run of winning "the world's worst mom" award and Molly would rather crawl into a hole and never come out of, instead of admit that we're related, they're still my family and I know that it won't be much longer before I head off to college and things start to change. I have to stay with them until then.

"Thanks, 'Chelle, you know that-"

I shut up at once, as if every rational thought I have vaporizes from my brain and I'm struck dumb, realizing that I really don't know what I know. For a second, no thought goes through my head and what I do know is that I meant to tell Michelle something, but for the life of me I can't remember what that might be because in the ice-cream parlor walks just the most attractive guy I've ever seen and words start to fail me.