**Random one shot, has no meaning to anything really. I literally made this up while sitting in bed so enjoy! hahaha
Something Worth Living For
I was okay. Really, I was.
I'd said those words so many times that I actually started to believe them myself. So how was I really? I'd seen better days… I'd seen worse. But now… it felt as if all the better days had been overridden with so much bad that they didn't even exist anymore. Now everything was just bad.
My shrink called me a defeatist, he said that I didn't try to make things better and that I just sabotaged myself. He was right, I couldn't grudge him that. I did sabotage myself, I was self destructive, poisonous at to the touch. I could never blame it on Ashley, it wasn't his fault that I called him, pleading him to come over for the last time. It wasn't his fault than we went to bed together but then woke up alone. I did that all to myself.
Sighing, I pulled out the packed of Menthols from my pocket, popped on in my mouth and lit it up, taking a long therapeutic drag. I didn't smoke, as a rule, but for some reason my body had craved it like some sort of long lost nicotine addict. I shut my eyes, still taking long puffs from the death on a stick and began to swing my legs, letting them wiggle dangerously over the water.
Look at me now! I used to be one of those people who watched the news, listening to the stories of those committing suicide thinking "There's too much to live for, what a waste"- but look at me now, a living breathing hypocrite. I flicked the remains of the cigarette into the water, watching it fall and wondering whether I'd be as graceful. Probably not, I got kicked out of ballet when I was younger because I kept "dancing" into other people and parents started to complain about bruises.
I hitched myself so I was standing on the ledge looking down.
To jump or not to jump, that is the real question Hamlet. Being the drama queen I was, I always thought my death would be a little bit more poetic, beautiful maybe and full of meaning. However, life likes to fuck you around like that, and now the matter of my end had been segregated into two measly, worthless columns, both as bleak as the other.
"Well, no time like the present," I whispered under my breath.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I leaned forward, counting to three in my head. 1…2…2 ½…
I snapped back with so much force that I almost threw myself off. I let out a cowardly yelp, preparing for the fall, but an arm snapped out of nowhere and saved me. Instead of being immersed in cold, murky water, I was embraced instead, by two strong, familiar arms.
"Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!"
I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. Ashley always did this to me, he brought to light the things I hated about myself- he made clear my weaknesses.
"I'm killing myself," I sniffed, "before you kill me."
"Don't be stupid, it doesn't have to be like this."
"Then how is it going to be?" I snapped. "Like it always is?"
"No, it can change!"
The tears were making his shirt wet, but neither of us seemed to care.
"I don't think I can live without you," I admitted, "So I'd rather not live at all!"
That shut him up all right, because he knew that he was the only thing I had left to anchor me in this world. I was an orphan, an insignificant spec in a world ruled by Ashley's kind. To his family I was nothing more than Ashley's poor fling, and now he was getting married…
"Please don't do this; you have so much to live for."
I looked up at him, losing myself in his blue stare. "Give me one thing to live for and I'll walk away from the bridge like nothing ever happened."
I waited like a fool. I waited for him to say it, he'd never said it before but I had countless times. But once again I waited for him in vain, because those words never left his lips. Those three little words could've saved my life. I pulled myself away from him for the last time, not looking back as I made my way towards the bridge's edge.
"For a while," I swallowed thickly, climbing back on the ledge "you'd given me something worth living for." I felt on top of the world, standing there looking down. "But now…" I leaned forward, staring down at the water, "it only makes we want to die."