Fairytale Princess Propaganda
Feyerah Klydell Evvs
Do you ever wonder why villains in fairytale stories always lose? Oh, I guess you don't—if you're a heavy fanatic of fairytale princesses, that is. Well, do you ever wonder why fairytale villains are cruel to fairytale princesses? It's because it is just not fair!
You see, I hate these over-righteous fairytale protagonists. They get to have long silky blonde hair (most likely lice-infested), or seven (ugly) dwarves, or a (fat) fairy godmother who looks nothing like a fairy. Even if they're princesses, there's a limit to their spoiled antics. Every one of them is the same; they're all overrated protagonists. Every bit of their stories seem true at first glance, but then of course, their "pain" and "suffering" just overshadows the faults that these prima donnas tried to conceal—how very sneaky of them!
I'm Cinderella's stepmother. What—you think a villain's essay is not worth reading? Well, this is my essay, so I'm the protagonist here. I'll say what I want, but it would be nice if you would read this. I won't dare change your opinion, but if you're wondering why fairytale villains always hate fairytale protagonists and why we make them suffer, would it hurt to read?
I can personally attest to the fact that Cinderella is a very sly woman who used her "charms" to entice everyone to treating her like a princess—someone she eventually became by catching the Crown Prince with her sneaky crafty hands! You see, the first rule of being a fairytale princess is to be "charming"—meaning you have to entice crowds with your gifted beauty.
Fiona was different; she was of the modern liberal blood. She chose to be an ogre rather than to be a princess, that's why she got evicted from the Fairytale Princesses Club, poor thing. You see, they have this taboo on their club door that says, "Uglies, shoo!" So if you're as ugly as boar, don't even try to dream of becoming a princess. That's how unfair these prim presumptuous madonnas are. If you want to prove me wrong, then find an ugly fairytale princess—one who had been ugly from start to finish.
Aside from enticing people, they use these "charms" to make anyone around them do whatever it is necessary to win. Unluckily for Snow White, all she could find in the deep forest were dwarves, so she had no choice but to use creatures of their low calibre, after all, it was partially her fault for running into a forest.
That vain Witch Queen (a good friend of mine) told me that when she used the magic mirror, she did not see Snow White tend the dwarves. What she did see was the other way around—Snow White was the one tended by dwarves! I don't know if it's true or not, but usually, these princesses take advantage of everything too much. You're not going to be a member of the Fairytale Princesses Club if you have no one (or nothing, in Snow White's case) to support you unconditionally. They let other people (or other creatures) do the work, but in the end, they get the credit. Princesses are to have "clean" hands. That's just very twisted—and you call me an evil stepmother?
Despite all of that, I don't know whether these princesses are pretending to be weak, or are really physically weak. They must be either, since they have other people do their work for them. Cinderella, like Snow White, had to make use of weird creatures, since there were hardly any people in our mansion. She just had to have her fairy godmother (I honestly don't think she's a fairy) and her mice and birds. She did not have the courage to fight alone. She didn't even have the nerve to live separate from me and my daughters.
Don't you think she needed to pay for all the trouble, or for everything she's eating? She couldn't be a freeloader forever. Don't misunderstand me. Cinderella was legally a helper in our house. When my children were born, she signed up for the job. Moreover, how do you expect me to treat the daughter that my husband had with another woman?
There's also that blonde Rapunzel. I don't know if she's limp or what, but she could have climbed down the tower herself or she could have looked for a secret passage somewhere. (There has to be a secret passage somewhere; if there wasn't, then how was the ogre able to put her in there when she was a baby?) Unlike Cinderella or Snow White, she absolutely had nothing (or no one) to entice, being locked up in that tower and all. However, she took the one chance when a handsome young man passed by her tower. She sang (the "charms" these princesses have is manifested primarily by singing), peeked down from the window and—viola!—that idiotic young man got easily caught!
The Fairytale Princesses may be sly but they aren't particularly very clever—and Rapunzel is dumbest of all of them. She did nothing (literally nothing, since she could not even escape from the tower herself) but entice a prince to save her. If you ask me, the prince was needless. His one plan was to cut her long hair, tether it somewhere by the sill, throw it out the window and make Rapunzel climb down her used-to be hair. Seriously, did she ever need to have a guy think of that plan for her?
Well, maybe Rapunzel did not need the guy for her escapade—she rather needed him to enter the Fairytale Princesses Club. Everyone in the club has them. Cinderella has her Prince Charming. Snow White caught a naïve prince of her own as well. Even Aurora, after her very long beauty sleep, caught her own Prince! She was not able to do anything (as expected) but prick herself despite her parents' warnings to stay away from spiky things. (They even burned almost every spindle in the kingdom; how could she be so uncooperative? Could she not even think of the feelings of the people who lost their spindle because of her?)
Every princess must have her own prince. Ah, well, it makes sense though—if a Queen has a King, then a princess should have a prince. This is also why Fiona was evicted from the club. I kind of admire her, you know, because she's someone who likes to break the old-fashioned status quo.
There is also that annoying "Happily Ever After" ending. Goodness! That is so not true. How could you live happily ever after with someone you haven't really known that much? Cinderella was whisked away the moment that impossibly little glass slipper fit her foot—and she had just known Prince Charming at the ball in barely four hours! (Well, Cinderella is a weak girl, she probably thought having a prince for a husband would be good—that way she could escape from work.) Snow White immediately married a Prince (who she didn't even know) from who-knows-where just right after the cursed apple bite tumbled from her lips! (Or maybe she just wanted to get away from the dwarves and the forest, so she had no choice.) Rapunzel and her man eloped without her even bothering to ask whether the man was crazy for taking a stupid girl like her who could not even think of a plan as simple as her prince had thought! (Then again, she's stupid—maybe she did not have the initiative to ask.)
If you think they always have "Happily Ever After" endings, think again. This little mermaid here, Ariel has her Prince Eric whom she had known while being mute. Good thing, huh? I wonder how Eric managed to know her so well when she's a total stranger—he even agreed to have her as his wife! Now the punch line: I hear Prince Eric's been flirting with this world-famous plastic doll, Barbie. You see? So much for Ariel's "Happily Ever After."
Cinderella, Snow White, Aurora and Rapunzel might have ended up the same way. Really, weren't they rushing things up with their lovey-doveys? It's funny that their "True Love" is barely a level above "Love at First Sight". Well, serves them right for concealing their faults. After all, they should not have been such spoiled brats.
It is very dangerous for little girls to follow them. If I were an ugly little girl, then I'd be terribly discouraged since all these fairytale princesses are pretty. I would just stare helplessly at pretty little girls pretending to be princesses, because I would think that an ugly girl like me does not deserve my own prince. I'm ugly like the villains—and villains never get true love.
If I were a pretty little girl, I'd talk to birds and mice and I will look for goblins or dwarves in the garden. Anyone around me would think I'm crazy, but would I care? No, because princesses have weird helpers—because "True Love" comes to those with weird helpers.
If I were a pretty little girl, I would not do anything; I will let someone else do it for me. A princess is always the damsel in distress. Aside from charming people, I will not do anything because a prince is sure to come and save me—because "True Love" comes to princesses.
"True Love" is barely a level above "Love at First Sight."
If I were a little girl who looks at these princesses like models, then I'd better be stupid.
Villains like me exist to expose these spoiled princesses' true colors. We exist so the protagonists have meaning. We don't like the happy endings to be exclusive to pretty and charming people. The ugly ones have the right to love and to be loved. We don't want girls to be relying on charms. We don't want them to be seemingly stupid—the fact that the Fairytale Princesses are sly prima donnas should be exposed! Apparently, our fight to date sadly still remains one-sided.
Although I may be a villain, I won't force which side you need to take. I did say you only have to read this. You will still be the one to decide which side you're on. I'm sure you wouldn't go to those spoiled princesses' side, though, or else I will have you work for me and my daughters—good timing, we need someone to replace Cinderella!
Author's Note: This essay was originally an assignment. My teacher said it was so funny that she couldn't stop laughing. I don't know if you laughed while reading, but just so you know, this is my favorite piece. Sorry if I had to bash up some fairytale princesses…but I sure enjoyed it! Bwahahahahaha! B-)