So I guess you could say I got inspired and decided to write something a little more "deep" about my life. Not that my life is anything close to interesting any more.
Over the past few months I've grown to realise my life is based on nostalgia. I think life would have been a lot more easier for me if I had just stayed in one place my whole life. I also think I probably would have been a more 'normal' person if I had just grown up in a regular everyday family. Then I'd probably stop questioning everything, probably stop avoiding most people and I'd probably stop thinking about things that worry me so much.
I'm usually a pretty open sort of a person. I don't care if people know things about me. If I did I probably wouldn't blatantly post about myself on the internet for people to easily google. But with saying that I'm also the kind of person who'd rather sit at home and do nothing than actually do something.
I'm not sure why. I just find doing things too often to be completely draining. I don't understand people who go clubbing three or four times a week. The actual thought of doing something so dramatic actually gives me anxiety. I feel like they have a disease, and they are going to die.
I know certain people who go clubbing several times a week, ever since they have turned eighteen, and they've gained massive amounts of weight from all the binge drinking.
That's another thing that scares me, that never use to. Drinking.
Everything from the lathargy the next day, to the bloating, to the amount of sugar you're slamming into yourself. I wish I could erase all the damage I must have caused myself in year 12. I mean I use to drink when I was young, 13 and 14 even, but not as bad as I did in year 12.
I think that's why I've lost so many friends though. Well, not lost, just don't talk to frequently, or at all, really. Simply because I'm over destroying myself so much. I will force myself into a night out though, or at least a night of drinking, I swear.
I keep thinking about dying. All the time. I keep thinking why do I bother to do anything, I'm going to die anyway. I've gone and convinced myself I'm going to die soon because I've got some disease I don't know about. Having a heart condition that no doctor has been able to figure out doesn't help my thoughts, even if I've been told "it's not serious".
I keep telling myself it's just some kind of anxiety, but then I go and tell myself that's just my own way of covering up that I really am going to die.
I also get really anxious about driving nowadays. I use to love driving. I now hate it. Absolutely hate it. I hate when I'm driving on a single-lane road and there's a car behind me. I hate tail gaters. I hate having to drive in the right lane. I hate form-one-lanes. I hate speed cameras and I hate sticking to to the speed limit, or trying to anyway. Other drivers terrify me. They're all such bastards. I refuse to drive anywhere unless I have to.
I keep thinking about everything I miss. I keep thinking about going back in time, and just re-doing everything, re-living everything, over the past number of years.
So I guess this is an introduction to an attempt at a more, err.. indepth kind of journal. I'm going to expose the things I don't talk about and won't talk about but will write anyway. Anything from social to sexual, to the past, to everything secretive.