This place is one in which I can't remain in. It's a place forever haunting me with bittersweet images of you. I remember briefly, the first day I met you. It was a normal, ordinary day. Nothing felt strange, nor did I anticipate you coming into my life. But you did, and you changed me and my entire life which was once peaceful and lovely. Now, it's one that is continuously haunted by your beautiful face that is seemly like a facade of happiness. A facade in which you hide your sorrow with. How fake, dishonest and unreal. There was something about you that made it all worth it, to reach out to and to sacrifice for.
You are not like any other human, the selfish and egocentric kind. The kind of person who would save even the smallest animal in any kinds of disaster: that's you. Days that were without your gradient smile were days in black and white. Like the olden films, not filled with any colors. You were the rainbow to my forever-dull sky. You can bring happiness that were once lost for all eternity, back to me. Only you can do it. No, I don't want fake concern from other people— they only want attention. I know days without you will be painful beyond definition. I know if I leave this place, the loneliness and sorrow of not being able to see you will overwhelm me. But if I don't walk away... how am I going to live my life next time, when I know I won't see you? I know this feeling in my heart—I already can't live without you.
This feeling in my heart: so sweet yet bitter. The feeling when I think of being apart from you gives me this separated feeling— the feeling of not being able to see you anymore. I don't know how to live without you now. Tell me when have I became so dependent? It's all too late, I know if I don't leave, I won't be able to see tomorrow with a smile. I know that one day, after months of loneliness, when I wake up, I'd forget all about you, and then my life would be happy. No matter how it pains me so, if you won't care, then I'll just walk away. I don't want to live without you. But I have to! The debate in my heart has been going on for months, and it doesn't know when to stop. Whenever I see your face, hear your voice, feel your touch, I just can't bear to leave. A place without you, lonely. Somewhere without you, endlessly desperate to see you! Wherever I go, your beautiful mirage haunts me down! That song you played on the piano—that image of when you played it—has never left my mind.
Tell me, if this isn't love, then what is it? I've dreamt of leaving you, this place, and everybody. But I was crying. I didn't want to go. And do you think I have a choice? To choose between my future and you—it's the devil and the deep blue sea. Either my soul is stolen by the devil, or I jump right into that deep blue sea. A place without you is as hellish as it can be—loneliness, devastation, back to the solemn me with a solitary independence.
To jump into the deep blue sea: unable to breathe, suffocated, drowning in your beauty. When I'm with you, I'm unable to be myself because of a nervous breakdown. You make me so unlike me, or perhaps is this myself, one that I knew not of? Nevertheless, for me to stay here and forsake my future is even worse. At least when my soul gets stolen by the devil, I am still conscious. But for me to end it all by jumping to die—I know nothing of, once it's over. Even though I know I'm forever haunted by your smile that was once made of steel, that fake facade, now a beautiful genuine smile that bring joy even to one that has no meaning to live.
You took my pain away. My once forlorn eyes were now determined to strive for a better future. You made me a better person, one with a better future. If I leave, then I must be heartless, to leave behind you. But you were just doing what you were supposed to. You have never once shown real love to me. I know that it's just your duty to care. I wonder if there would be a day, where we all graduate, that you see me outside, crying because of loneliness. Will you bother to go forward to me and ask me if I'm alright? Thank you for everything—the pain, the happiness, the joy, the miss you nights, and the love that I haven't felt for a long time. You mean everything, everything to me. Not seeing you means that the world has no colors.
But at least I know I'd survive those days with just that little amount of perseverance—I will live without you.