Author's Note: This is my first story so please be patient with me. This is about concepts nobody wants to talk about, but I think should be heard. Writing is also an outlet for me... And if you have any comments or things that could be fixed, by all means let me know. WARNING: cutting, rape, abuse, references to suicide, and references to human trafficing. If this story might be triggering, please DO NOT read.
The past flows through my head as if it were a river pouring into the depths of my soul…All I can think about anymore is what's happening, and what horrors are to come. Their little slave, their little doll. How long must I be bound here? Shall I ever know? Does my family know I'm here, do they care? These questions are always in my mind, when I'm doing chores, even rocking the masters' children to sleep. Does anyone know I'm here? Against my will? No, why would anybody even care…
"Alexa, come tend to Sierra. Now." Without responding I quickly run to the little girl, with a sneer on her face.
" She fell, see to it that it's healed."
" Yes ma'am…" I look at the floor never rising my face, if I look The Tiger in the eye her claws will strike my face.
" Ouch! That hurts, I'm telling mother." She crossed her arms and bunched up her perfect face. The small scrape on her knee had small pebbles encrusted with blood. She had gotten this outside… lucky her. I haven't been outside since the day I came here, bruised, dirty, and violated.
" I have to go to work, you know the drill. Your chores are to be done, dinner cooked, and the children cared for." I nodded my head, never ever say no. The consequences are worse then the twenty-four seven labor. I heard the front door and I knew she was gone. Conner, Sierra, Madeline, Alexander, and baby Laura were always in need of constant care. The older three have gone to school, even Sierra with her "injury". If only she knew what true pain was… The twelve, eight, and six year olds all filed down to the bus, and left me alone with the two precious children. I checked to make sure the newborn baby girl was still asleep after the 'two o clock in the morning' bottle. I have basically raised Madeline and Alexander, and now Laura. The two older children just order me around. Alexander runs to me from nowhere jolting me from the black dungeon called my brain.
" Mommy!" I smile and think if only I was…
" No, I'm not your mommy, I've told you this." His smile faded and he sighed in my arms. His blonde hair caught in my chest, his small breath and heartbeat in sync with mine.
" Oh, I love you so much…"
" I know Alexa… But can we go play?"
" Maybe later, I have work to do." The sentence came out harsher than I meant it to. He huffed and walked away. I looked around, and saw something. The dishes in the sink were piled with knives. Their edges were so sharp, maybe if I- no. I can't, can I? Give myself more pain, except I'm the one administering it? Maybe… But for now the mess of a house is calling my name.
* * *
The front door opened and slammed, Connor was home. That is his signature move almost everywhere.
" Good, the house is clean. Where's my snack?"
" Oh, on the table, as usual." I never forget, he is so demanding. The two girls ran through the front door laughing and giggling. Something I couldn't ever seem to do.
" Your snacks are on the table, so finish them then start on your homework." I tried to make my voice as sweet as possible, or else they might take it the wrong way. All it takes to get me a night of torture is one mishap. Madeline ran up and gave me a hug, flashed her beautiful blue eyes at me then skipped down the hall.
" Hey Alexa" It was Connor, as usual.
" I didn't ask for a 'yes', get over here." I put my head down and obeyed. I may be fourteen and him twelve, but we both know who gets what he wants. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close. His belt buckle pressed against my pants line and I could feel his warmth.
" Please Connor, not now.."
" You will do what I tell you too." He yanked me even closer, his strong cologne made me gasp as he started to put his hands down my skinny jeans. I pulled away, and immediately regretted it. He pushed away and then walked over and slapped me across the face. I could feel the blood trickle in my mouth, I heard him take his belt off, the metal sound I dreaded. I closed my eyes and waited for the sting of the buckle hitting me. One came hard and fast I felt it slap my stomach and I fell to the ground, in defeat.
" That will teach you. Now get up and tend to my crying sister." That's when I heard Madeline in corner, crying and scared.
" Shhh, hunny it's okay, I'm fine, it was just me being naughty." Her hot tears fell onto my shoulder as I held her petite figure.
" Why can't you be good? Just… not make them so angry?"
" It's- more complicated then that."
" Oh… how?" How can I tell a six year old child the horrors I must commit to? Or what happens if I don't?
" I don't know, but Madeline it's okay, I promise." Her tears slowly dried up and she went from my lap and I turned and looked up to see Connor's face staring down at me, with no pity.
" Do you like what you create?"
" Then you should give me what I want and you will make life easier for everyone. You are willing for my father, you put up no fight. Why am I different?"
" I'm not willing, I must if I want to live with less pain."
" I see what he does to you when you don't, but at least it's attention, you get more then I do."
" You think I like it?"
" No, but… never mind. I shouldn't be talking to you about this anyway. Go to my room, I will be there shortly." I knew that there was nothing I could do, and if I was caught with him like that, my beatings tonight would intensify. I walked down the hall and made sure everything was in order before I would have to be indisposed for a while. Laura was asleep in her crib, Sierra and Madeline were playing with Barbies, and my little angel was sound asleep in his trundle bed. His soft breathing so beautiful, his blonde hair brushing his forehead. I slipped into Connor's room and it was spotless from my cleaning today. I heard the door behind me close and I knew what was going to happen.
His arms slid around my waist and his lips were on my neck. I closed my eyes waiting for it to begin so it could end. He pushed me onto the bed and I layed there limp and lifeless as he undressed himself and I. The feeling of him on me was horrible, but better him then his father. This is just another day in the hell I call my life…
I stood in the corner as the family finished the dinner I had prepared. Connor eyed me up and down as if he was imaging me under him again. The memory was bad, but there was nothing I could do to change any of it.
" Water." The master as I've had to call him for six years, called for me. I ran and refilled his glass, then did the same for the children as they requested some. When I passed Connor he touched my leg and left it there, so as I walked passed it slipped off. The glass of water spilled all over master. One of the worst offenses at dinner was exactly that. After I cleaned up the mess he told me to wait in Laura's room for punishment. He had many tools to choose from, they might bury my lifeless body tomorrow, I didn't know. The baby was stirring in her sleep, her brown hair and small hands reminded me of my real baby sister, who if not dead is six years by now. My parents, they sold me into slavery to pay their bills. I came from Bombay, India, a small eight year old girl frightened and innocent. My black hair was unkept and large brown eyes red and full of tears. They held me in a dirty warehouse with little food or water, with about ten other girls anywhere from two to fifteen. They loaded us up in a couple of days into iron cages, I was paired with a three year old girl and shoved into the cage. The darkness of the cargo hold consumed us, the child cried almost constantly. She was so young, I wonder what happened to the girl who cried blood…
" For what you did you will pay, won't you?" The sickening voice made my stomach clench and knot. I nodded my head staring at the floor. I heard glass jingle behind his back and I knew what was to come. He pulled out the whip with glass on the ends of it. When I saw it my eyes widened and he saw my face change.
" Do you think an expression is going to change your punishment?"
" No sir."
" That's right, now turn around and hold to the crib." I did as I was told, and I hated myself more for it. Each scarlet wound I felt as I heard the snap of the whip. The glass fragments digging into my back. I felt the warm liquid pour from them, and I wanted to scream from pain. But any outward sign of distress ended in ultimate suffering. That's why he does it in front of Laura. She is the judge and doesn't even know it. If she wakes up because of me, well bad things happen.
Afterward I still had to finish my chores. Each welt hurt when I moved, the mistress was kind enough to put stitches in and bandage me up. She hates me but loves having her own cook and maid/nanny, so she does what she has too to keep me alive.
" You could have avoided all this you know." Connor was leaning casually against the door frame. Hands in his pockets he saw me wince as I bent down to get him a towel. He smirked when he saw the scarlet marks.
" What?" I looked at him and he was a miniature version of his father.
" Nothing, you just need someone to love you."
" Not like that, relationships aren't all about that stuff."
" Whatever." He grabbed his towel and I went to take care of the younger children. After everything was finished, I was finally allowed to go to bed. My small closet was calling out to me, the cold carpet against my back. It hurt like a thousand knives stabbing into my back. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't cry any longer. Late into the night I was awake, seeing the events of the day roll in my head. I slowly stopped crying and my hyperventilating started to cease oh, so slowly.
I walked out of my closet determined to end my pain. Down the halls and into the kitchen were the knives shone in the moonlight. I grabbed one and tested the edge, I ran the tip along my finger. When it sliced some of my skin I deemed it sharp enough. I took it back to my closet, my retreat my sanctuary. I took a deep breath and ran the blade across my brown arm. The blood started slowly and then I picked up the knife. The cut wasn't deep, but it was sufficient. With each slice the pain went away, little by little, my anxiety and fear slipped down my arm with the blood. I wrapped my arm in a towel I took earlier. I leaned back with a sigh, I found the release I needed so badly…
The next day came all to quickly, and last night's love affair with the blade was reminding me of what I had done. It was not yet time for me to get up and start the day, so I picked up my knife and did it again. The scarlet cuts were so sweet, and the crimson liquid each cut produced was calming and tranquility came to me. I had finally found something that worked, something that cared. The pain was small compared to what I endured everyday. My knife cleansed me of all the inner scars, and I liked the feeling.
" Alexa! Get up!" I jumped and hid my knife under the shoes that I had to sleep next to. I opened the door with my hand covering the fresh bleeding cuts. I ran into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My emaciated face looked a pale tan, my huge brown eyes looking fearfully back. My face had a bruise on it form Connor's graceful hand, and I didn't know how bad my back was. I don't think I wanted to know… The corner of the room under the cabinet was where my things were. My brush, clothes, and other personal items I needed. I guess I had it good, for a slave. I pulled out my basket and threw my pajamas into it, then I went back to the mirror and examined my body… it was a wreck. All my bones you could see so clearly, and my back and stomach were full of welts and scares. My legs looked like they had gone through a meat shredder years ago. I turned away in shame, the girl in the mirror was me, and there was nothing I could do about it.
" Mommy?" I gasped and turned around to see my angel's wide eyes and his pale face. I covered my body with a towel and leaned over to the basket to get my clothes.
" What Alexander?"
" W-w-what happened to you?" His voice trembled as he spoke his white face looked paler than usual. His baby blue eyes glistened with tears, and I was ashamed.
" Nothing. I'm fine, now go eat your breakfast." He opened his mouth to say something but he just closed it and walked away. It was a lot for a three year old to take in… I pulled on the jeans I had on everyday and the same purple shirt. The only thing I did different was put on the old sweatshirt I had to hide my arms from them. Pulling back my long black hair I saw the scares on the edges of my face from her claws, the Tiger's claws. I remember each and every scar on my body, I had none when I left India… and now look at me. I didn't even know where in the world I was. But it doesn't matter anyways, the only reason I'm here is to be some cruel God's entertainment. Why care about anything? With that I threw off my sweatshirt and walked down the hall.
" I have to go to wor- what in the hell did you do to your arm!?
" Cut it. Duh." She looked at me like I had smacked her and I didn't give a damn.
" What did you just say?" I looked her right in the eyes and repeated myself.
" Why? And don't you talk to me like that or I will cut you more than those scratches on your arm."
" Kill me. Go ahead. I don't care anymore."
" Just do as your told. Get to work, I'm leaving."
" Um, no. Do it yourself." She whipped around and looked at me with a vicious face. Then it softened and she smiled a creepy, sarcastic smile.
" Alright… Don't, but you WILL have serious consequences, but apparently you don't care." In spite of myself my stomach knotted and I knew what was going to happen later, I might as well just kill myself because that's what's going to happen anyways… But something deep within my soul said No, why give them the pleasure? It won't do much, except give them a reason to celebrate… But I don't know… Maybe…
Hours slowly passed as I sat against the window, each car zoomed by and the wind caught wisps of my hair. For the first time in years I felt idle… relaxed… A privilege I could never afford. But why not be relaxed the day before I die? The only two people who would care would eventually forget. Madeline and Alexander would cry, but as they grow up they would be brainwashed. I heard a lone bird sing through the glass and it reminded me of the jungles in India. My India… A single tear ran down my thin cheek and I savored my last few hours of life, for my death was near…
I heard the door slam, and Connor was home, joy.
"Hey!? The house is not clean, what's up with that?"
" I didn't clean it, what does it look like?"
" Why not?"
" I've given up… On this life…"
" Oh, well, nice knowing you, because quite frankly, your dead."
" I know." I turned my head back out the window and stared lost in my thought of what the after life is like… Connor walked down the hall and I heard him mumble something along the lines of nice knowing you. The girls were next to come in, as always, and they were more quiet then usual.
" Sierra? What's wrong?" Her solemn face turned and her eyes were sunken, a sure sign of serious distress. She looked longingly at me and walked down the stairs into the basement. I followed her, as if that's what she was intending me to do.
" You can't tell anyone… Okay?"
" Sure, whatever."
" The boy at school he…well, I-I-I can't say" She looked at me with pure desperate eyes, I knew what had happened, I was all to familiar with that concept. Her small sobs turned into desperate crying. I knew the shame and horror she was feeling, and it bothered me that she felt like that. Even though she had been cruel to me, nobody should ever have to know that feeling… especially a little girl.
" It's going to be alright… just tell your mother, okay?" She nodded like she understood but it didn't help. Without me to be here for her, her world will collapse from the weight of nobody to understand, or care.
" Sierra, I want you to call your mom right now and tell her everything. She'll know what to do."
" I don't know if I can, I've seen it happen to you, so if they do it why should they care if it happens to me?"
" Because, you are their daughter, and they care about you." Her crying softened and she ran upstairs to get the phone. I heard her small voice on the phone, telling the familiar story of a small girl being made to grow up to fast. She clicked the button and I knew she was coming down to give me a report of what had happened.
" Mom said that she's coming home right now, with Dad." My stomach leapt into my throat and I thought I would choke. My timeline just skipped two hours, my life is gone… right about now. The door opened and shut with a bang.
" Alexa! Watch the kids!" She called to me without so much as mentioning the house or the absence of food smells. The car was still running and just as quickly as they arrived they left, maybe I was safe after all, now that they had Sierra to worry about. Connor's figure stood in the basement door, just what I needed.
" Hey, looks like your off the hook, for now."
" Do you enjoy this? Is that why you insist on reminding me about everything?" He smiled a half smile and turned to walk up the stairs. Dumb kid… What does he know? My brain was thinking about the other times he had done that, just calmly and cooly walked away.
I was tired and I went up the stairs to retreat into the closet. I curled up on the rag I call a blanket and closed my eyes… The black serenity was amazing and wonderful, if only the world stayed like this forever. In the back of my head I knew, this was going to become a reality, the darkness… silent darkness…