Fairytales Done Right

Remake 1: Hansel and Gretel

So, we start off with two bratty little children, who, for whatever reason, are wandering through the forest. Now, we must assume that these children are illiterate, for, had they been able to read fables, they would know that walking through the unsupervised was a bad idea in those parts.

Young Hansel, being the smarter of the two, suggests that the siblings leave a trail behind them. Unfortunately, Hansel isn't too smart, so he stupidly makes the trail out of bread crumbs, which, by the way, are probably the worst thing you could make a trail out of in a place that is home to squirrels, birds, and other small mammals that enjoy their wheat products. Also, may I point out that this bread seemingly comes from nowhere? No bread was mentioned at the beginning.

Anywho, the trail is made, and the children continue their journey through the woods. And whaddaya know? They get lost! They also somehow fail to notice the large party of animals that had been dining on their "trail" for the past ten minutes. So there they are, stranded in the forest, with their only way of getting home destroyed.

Eventually, they come upon- what else?- a house made out of pure candy, which has magically not been melted by the sun or eaten by ants. The children decide that it is in their best interest to eat the house, since Hansel was so smart as to waste their only source of food.

After stuffing themselves like the little pigs they are, they decide to take a look inside the house. Now, if this was a horror movie, somebody would be screaming "DON'T GO IN! DON'T GO IN!" by now. But this story, being a fairytale, does not work this way. Instead, they come face to face with a cannibalistic witch, who, for some strange reason, wishes to bake the kiddies into a lovely pie. (Psst- I like whip cream on mine!)

Now our two morbidly obese heroes must make a choice- break a sweat escaping, or stay and be eaten? The sugar has made them sluggish and sleepy, and they feel as those they might pass out. Could the witch be a fan of date rape drugs?

We'll never know, as Gretel collapses, knocking the witch into the oven, and baking her at 350 until she is golden brown. Once the children regain conciousness, they escape from the place of terror and somehow recall the way back home.


(If this were a movie, you would now see the witch escaping from the oven, with a lovely tan to match)