Depression hurts-Cymbalta probably won't help, so why try anyway?
Hiding wrist with watch-Time heals all wounds.
All these 'ugly' scars cause by y o u.
I'm falling apart-Diary is dark.
Sainty feels lost.
Don't want to wake up today.
Lead us not into temptation,
And deliver us from all evil.
I don't even know if I believe in You anymore.
I'm lying to the people who trust me the most.
Couldn't go to the river with you-
Bathing suit didn't cover scars,
And I didn't want to deal with your questions.
'go kill yourself fagott'
learn to spell-stupid.
'all faggs need to die'
'God hates fags'
He probably hates you too.
'bet your proud of being gay fagg boy'
you bet i am. bet you aren't.
'I'm proud of loving pussy you cock sucking fag boy'
i'm a girl.
well that shut you up.
You took my blade.
How dare you.
Now I won't eat.
I just need control.
I crave it.
I want it.
I need it.
I wish I was as tiny as my friend Heidi.
I wish I was as proud as my friend Justice.
I was I was as strong as my friend Megan.
I wish you'd stop saying 'might be' because I know who and what I am.
But wishing isn't going to get me anywhere.
'For every cut you make-I make ten'
Thats why I haven't cut.
'You do matter.' No-I don't.
My church says I'm too blessed to be stressed. They lie.
people worry too much about me.
Stop asking whats wrong! Nothing is! I'm just not happy anymore-Okay?
I drink so much coffee now I feel like I'm s-s-s-haking.
all my laughs are f a k e.
chewing gum until my jaw hurts.
don't pass out. all my poetry is now is a bunch of random thoughts.
having a tutor makes me feel stupid.
stop talking for me mom. stop saying you understand. stop saying 'no-this is how you feel'. because its not.
i tell everyone they're beautiful-but no one says that too me unless i cake on make up and fix my hair and dress up.
so much for self-esteem.
mirror screams: /uglyuglyuglyuglyuglyuglyugly/stupistupidstupidstupidstupid/cuttercuttercuttercutter/failurefailurefailurefailure.
so now-i just dont look in the mirror.
i dont believe in fairies anymore.
i dont believe in anything anymore.
times hard-razors soft.
not brave enough or strong enough to kill myself.
there are different methods of self harm mom (i hate body checks)
i feel like i all i do is sleep and cry.
i want to do things but im too tired and sad.
i want to die-but...im staying alive...for you.
sometimes Little Debbie wins. she's evil.
"Only dogs like bones," guess im a dog. woof.
(ive let food devour my bones)
dark corners-dirty secrets, dancing skeletons, horrid dreams.
i miss my daily reasons to live-but im the one that messed it up.
then gave stupid ones.
tears quickly turn to blood.
im disgusted with myself.
close my mouth-stitch it tight.
im not eating tonight.
everyones happy....everyone but me.
worried about you.
thinking about suicide.
more frequently too.
i feel dead.
i need to cut. need to see blood, my own blood. then i'll know im alive.
its not self-harm. its just a different way of coping.
so leave me alone.
let me cope.
will you hold my hand?
so tired of this all.
what happens if she gives up?
saw her arms-thankfully, shes alive.
dont want to loose her(but i already have)
you're unigorable-like facefuls of pepper spray.
got into fight with mom. over being gay-and telling friends.
she says im not old enough to know, that its probably a phase.
i feel like everyone talks to me.
i wish i hadn't 'come out.
i will never trust you with my secrets again.
"dont take everything so personally." it is personal though.
"everything will be okay in the end-if it isnt then it isnt the end." i know mom.
"It has to get worse before it can get better." please stop.
"you're pretty when you put on make-up."
so im ugly with out it? thanks.
"you should be a model-you'd be a great one." you said so yourself, my bodys too scarred.
chained down. cant break free. im suffocating. forgetting how to breathe.
moms threatening to force feed me if i dont start eating.
im not giving up-or giving in (hopefully)
something is wrong with me.
im a failure.
what else could i have done?
i cant wear long sleeves or a jacket without getting asked if i cut myself.
how sad is that?
suicide is always lingering in the back of my mind.
your diagonsis doesnt make me love you any less.
theres a butterfly on my wrist-names after you.
i am trying. i really am.
"take it one step at a time."
"baby steps, baby steps, you can do this." shut up.
"itll be okay."
"i worry about you all the time now."
then learn not to care.
(where's my 'im sorry' letter sister)
im scared everyones giving up on me.
i feel sick everytime i eat.
somedays i dont want to get out of bed.
"it was supposed to make you laugh."
"can you at least try to smile!?"
"are you crying?"
i dont trust myself with sharp things now.
"i wont let you suffer alone."
i cut off your wings.
now you cant fly away.
it doesnt hurt "are those new?"
"are you crying?"
you dont believe me.
"Katy! What are you doing?"
nothing. lying on my bed.
"im turning on your tv-is this show okay?"
go away. turn it off. leave me alone.
"i love you."
'love you too'
i dont want to shave because i know you'll check my body for cuts and if i accidently cut myself then you''ll take my razor away and not let me shave.
so i dont even try.
would you cry if i died?
or would you not even care?
mommy-what if the monsters tak me?
im not the girls in the magazines. sorry.
(i am free)
its like a giant brick on my chest-i cant breath and i know its there. i feel it.
happily ever afters arent real.