Deep trouble was consuming me as I walked home from school. There was only one person I was in love with, and he had a girlfriend. I was in my own state of mind, where, if I was consumed in it for too long, I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it. She was everything I'd wish I was, and more. And she was, even though she didn't know it, lucky to have him, to hold him, and to love him.
Though how awkward would it be to love your best friend? What if something were to happen, and you couldn't sustain the friendship? Even though I'd thought about this many times, I couldn't bear not to love someone like him. He was everything I could ever want in a guy. He had this certain humorous quality to his character, but at the same time, he could be as serious as he wanted. He definitely was likeable and adorable at the same time. He had a puppy-dog feature to his beautiful ivory face complexion. And like I said, it was too hard to bear to not love him.
When we would laugh, I would look deeply into his hazel-gray eyes. I would melt and let the liquid fall between his fingers. And as he would absorb it, as if he did love me too. But it was a lie, the mask.
He was coming over today to hang out, and I would be living another lie for the time being. But how was that any different then any other day? I always would be living a lie, stupid lies.
But as the front door swung open, wind and rainy mist bursting through the door, my trouble was consuming me, eating me hole through hole. I laid on the ebony leather couch, sitting in the most perfect proportion and length from the television set. The carpets were stained with dirt and mud that had been tracked through it years before and was continuing now. My parents covered it with a huge tapestry looking rug that, in my opinion, didn't match anything around this area. I slowly, oh, how slowly I turned my head to face the wide-open window that gave perfect view to the ocean. If only I could've escaped there now, to get away from it all. I knew it wasn't just him; it was my whole life. I'd been accused, neglected since birth, and mistreated, because nobody cared for me. Nobody cared when I broke my leg, or got jumped, or even in trouble at school. Hardly ever would I be in such situations again, but they all happened, it wasn't and impossibility.
As I was deep in thought, I heard a knock coming from the door. I fumbled with my own two feet as I struggled to get up from the couch. He was at my door, I could feel his presence. I would simply adorn this feeling with more and more glimpses of him. Silently, I said a quick prayer to Jesus, just like I always did everyday, every hour, and opened the creaking wooden door.
He had the screen open, the wind bursting through the house again, but this time: more rain.
He greeted me with a hug and a smug, 'hello,' and walked in, stalking his boots on the already stained carpet. He, then, sat down and stared blankly at me.
"Have you been crying?" he asked smoothly.
"Umm… no, it-it's the rain." I lied casually.
The quiet was all around us now, so I started a small conversation.
"You have much homework?"
He shook his head, his dark brown hair shook some rain off his head. A drop hit me in the eye. I shook it off and wiped my eye with my fragile hand.
"You got me wet," I complained.
He laughed faintly, "Oh, like you weren't wet before?"
"Not in my eye I wasn't." I lied again.
"Oh, please. I think I've known you long enough to tell when you're lying to me. Trust me, I know you've been crying." he said, no expression crossed his face.
"Oh, okay." I said blankly.
"What were you crying about?" he asked.
I couldn't tell him how I felt, I faked it everyday.
"My life seems to continually fall apart, no matter what I try to do." it really wasn't a total lie; it's what I was thinking.
"Don't lie to me."
"I will not lie anymore." I promised, and this time, it was true.
"So, I know it was more than that; so tell me why." he was persistent. I knew that, but didn't think he would use it at my disadvantage.
"Well, okay," I began, not knowing how to begin my first statement, "Okay, you and I have been friends for how long? Like since forever right? And we're best friends forever right?"
He nodded, absently. I knew he knew what I was going to say.
"Okay, so I know this is going to sound weird, but I'm going to say it anyway, since I promised you I wouldn't lie anymore. Okay, I know you're kind of with someone at the moment, but you know, I am totally and completely in love with you, and I can't bear it myself. Every time you speak, I melt in your presence and you're always there, letting me slip through your fingers." I wouldn't let him interrupt me when I was pouring out to him.
His eyes were the widest I'd ever seen them.
"In love? Not just love but in love?" he asked.
I nodded; tears welled up in my eyes, mascara running down my face, where it was since school had ended.
"Oh, my gosh. Hey-" I interrupted him, "No, really, it's okay… I mean I'll live right? I mean, love really isn't everything. I know how people say, love conquers everything, but I believe differently. I believe love conquers some things, but God conquers all. So, hey, don't even worry about it. I'll get over it, heck, I get over things fairly quickly. But I swear, if you worry about this, I think I'll kill myself on the inside, like I'll be here, physically and halfway mentally…" I tried to make a small joke to try to hide my misery.
"No, seriously, you don't know wh-" I interrupted him again, "No, I'm serious. I do know what I'm talking about. But, uh, I think you should probably leave. I need some alone time now." I said my words so slowly.
He gazed at me, no emotion behind, nor in front of his eyes, and stood. I held my head in my hand and the tears welled over my eyes.
He twisted the knob of the door and I turned around. I sped myself up to his shoulder and grabbed it. He turned around, his eyes filled with tears as well.
I spoke clearly, regret confiding in me as I spoke, but no matter how hard I tried not to cry in front of him, my voice cracked almost every word,
"Umm… listen, you probably won't be hearing from me for a while… or… forever. And if you could do me this one last favor, and return it?"
He shook his head in disbelief, "How in love are you in with me, not to speak to me anymore? You're never speaking to me again, and you want me to do the same?"
I nodded; nothing this painful would ever cross me again.
"I'm tired of all the pain surrounding me," I responded.
He nodded, "As you wish, but I do want you to remember me as a best friend, as a brother, and you have loved me. I'm sorry, but this- this is wrong. I can't, and I'm not in the same position as you and I'm sorry. Yes, you are beautiful, but she and I have something, special. I can't give that away," he paused, "Never speak to you again? Ever?"
I nodded again, this time I was brazen, my tears welled over.
"Well, only if you are one-hundred percent sure."
I nodded again.
I released his shoulder and he walked out into to haziness of the pouring rain.