I recently uncovered a rare parchment written by my famous grandfather Johanius. Though it is unillustrated, this manual could be of professional interest to any covert artists out there. And as always, I keep a fine selection of his drawings for sale in the back room of my hovel, parental consent not required.

Ed the village rat killer


Volume 2: The Complete Guide to Drawing Naked Elves. By Johanius


Throughout my career as a professional author I have, of course, produced countless scrolls on a variety of subjects but none of my works have captured the public's attention so much as my illustrated volumes on female elven anatomy.

In fact, there is nothing I enjoy more than sharing my love of science with the common people. Though older collectors buy some of my scrolls, my most reliable customers are the many bright and curious youths who have taken a passionate interest in my research. These fine young people, teenage boys mostly, are so hungry for scientific knowledge that no sooner than I finish a new illustration, a group of them shows up at my door with money in hand! It does my heart good to know that the minds of the next generation are so focused on learning.

But it has recently come to my attention that several young men, who were apparently inspired by my illustrations, have gotten themselves into considerable trouble trying to get as close as I do to my subjects. What they don't realize is that substantial preparation goes into my work. You don't just stroll up to a naked elf and start drawing her; I can assure you they're very touchy when it comes to that kind of thing.

Instead, success in the field of clandestine illustration requires subtlety. The key is planning, not only in finding a location where an elf is likely to be naked but the artist must also find a way to observe the subject both safely and discretely. Although there is considerable danger involved, I certainly don't want to scare off any budding researchers out there from pursuing such a noble and rewarding career.

The illustrator's work is difficult but rewarding. In those rare moments, when my plan comes together perfectly, and I'm set up in just the right location, hiding in the bushes, with sketchbook and quill in hand, and I see them... elves coming to swim or bathe in a secluded mountain stream, completely oblivious to my presence... It's magical moments like these that I realize how much I love research.

Hopefully, future generations of artists will get to experience similar exhilarating moments themselves, and perhaps, by sharing my knowledge with those who can benifit most, I will help ensure that no teenage boy who strives to study naked elves will ever be left empty handed again. It is to them, my most ardent fans, that I dedicate this volume.


* Get to know the elves. Learn all about elven behavior; including where they tend to undress, swim, and frolic!

* Use the art of concealment to get close to your subjects: build blinds, deploy decoys, use disguises and much much more!

* Learn methods of successful observation: The importance of non-squeeky shoes and fast horses.

* Discover proven methods to get out of trouble even if you're caught! Learn everything from simple dodges to advanced techniques like the 'start an argument about poetry and sneak off ' trick!

* Learn how to advertise and sell your work. (Illustrations of naked elves almost sell themselves so this section mostly deals with keeping your wares safely out of the sight of angry and bitter elves that for some reason do not want drawings of their naked women sold at market.)