"lower than maggots"

if you knew anything about me, you'd know
i get a thrill when i'm empty
in the fleeting moments when
intrusive thoughts leave me.

i was in limerence, in ideation,
a state of bliss which
crashes
so i am lower than maggots,
lower than the floorboards
beneath your feet.
i wanted to be dizzy,
committed,
admitted.

i wanted the comfort pain could bring.
i cleared my mind, tried not to think.
if self-hatred is an interesting emotion,
i offer this specimen for the exhibit.
i chase the beam of light
reflected by the scalpel.