The next day, it was Sunday, he woke up around noon, I had brought the full Star Wars saga for us to watch and we watched together for like the 50th time, I swooned to Han Solo's smile and he flinched at Lea's sexy bikini. It was normal.
"Mint, you know I lived a near death experience?"
"You know I could just die any day, do you just want to go on like this, just like before?"
I looked at him suspiciously, was that a trick question? I thought of what Tim told me last night. I hadn't seen him this morning, I was starting to think he was just a dream.
"Sure, why would we change?"
"Don't you want our relationship to be something more?"
Why was my heart thumping, we were just friends after all, what was wrong with me?
"Hahaha, you should see your face! Nah, I'm just kidding, I think that concussion is still making me say weird things."
I was relieved, but some part of me felt anger: the feeling that he was playing with my feelings, I was starting too scare myself.
At the end of the day, they let him leave the hospital with a cast arm and a huge bruise on his forehead (the nurse kept repeating: "it's a miracle" and the doctors wanted him to stay longer but after he head locked one of them and threatened to break all his limbs on the metal beds and suing them for mistreatment they let him go).
We took a taxi home and he promised he'd get his driver's license and get a car, preferably a strong SUV, that way the only thing that could really squish him to death would be a semi-trailer.
In the cab, we started talking:
"Thanks to you, I missed my favorite soap opera, there were going to pass it exclusively at one am but at that time I was with you, wishing you'd die as a punishement for freaking me out!"
"But who would change your classical music to rap? Who would spoil your romantic comedies? Who would yell like a madman when it's basketball season that a stupid asshole missed this really easy shot? Who would finish the nutella jar? Who would forget to go shopping but run to the shop and buy beer and chips when buddies are coming over? Who would kick your ass when your slacking off at work? Who would compete with you for zombiekilling? Who would put up with you when your on your period? Who would stand with your cranky mood when you didn't have your morning coffee?"
"Okay, stop, I get it, I'd miss you: but you could have suffered a little bit more than that, you just slept all night while I turned and tossed and the uncomfortable armchair."
"Who says I didn't suffer?"
"You don't look like you suffered, you look happy annoying me! I'm sure you got hurt on purpose so you could see me freak out."
"Like you didn't appreciate the love declaration, and getting to watch over my sexy body all night?"
"Love declaration? You consider: 'think of some sad music like the halo soundtrack' a love declaration? You liar, you'd told me you'd stopped playing Halo!"
"I did... Almost... But just because I thought of the soundtrack doesn't mean I still play... Ok, forget it, you got me, I hate you."
"Oh, and by the way I met this really hot guy at the hospital, he took me to eat at this really nice restaurant where he professed his undying love for me but I refused because my mom always told me never to buy a pair of jeans before trying it on."
"Whaouh, that's awesome, I bet you just went to a Dunkin' donuts in your great loser PJs and stuffed yourself to death, he must of laughed at you silently. And for your information, you have no mother."
"How dare you? My spiritual mother told me that! How dare you deny yourself like that? Plus, what if I got dressed in these awesome ninja PJs just so you don't get suspicious of me wearing a sexy black designer dress?"
"Oh let me guess: the guy was gay, right? 'Cause the only kind of guy who would actually take a girl like you to a Dunkin' donuts at 2 am in the morning, especially when your wearing your loser... Wait? Did you actually insult me by calling me a spiritual mom? Haven't your parents taught you anything of being nice to your best friend when he's on the edge between life and death?"
"Oh, cut it out, Mom, you wish you were dead to see the pain it'll cause me, but that's NOT going to happen, if you die I'll rejoice and sell all your video games and rap CDs on eBay, eat your goldfish and sell the dog to a Chinese restaurant. I'll keep the TV though, it's an HD screen."
"Why how dare you, young girl? I don't even have a goldfish: no respect for your poor mother, I'm offended, you apologize or I'll immediately call your father! Don't dare speak to me like that ever again!"
"Dad's dead mom, I killed him. And now it's your turn."
"Aaaaaah, help, police, 911! Help me, someone help me, my daughter is a crazy psychopath I'm going to die... Argh! To late I'm dead..."
"Good, finally I can live my life in peace."
"Oh no you won't, because I'm back to haunt you: I'm a ghost and there's nothing you can do against my powers originating from... both the Force and Harry Potter's magic, no, no, better: Voldemort's magic! Avada Kedavra!"
"Argh, I've died too, but I'm also a ghost and my powers are both Shinigami and Ninja with perfect control of the nature. And my real mother was an elf and my father was a troll so I'm fast and strong and I can even kill a ghost."
"A mix between a troll and an elf? Doesn't a loser and another loser added up make not only a double loser, but also an ugly moron? I don't think you can win over the Force, no way."
We spent the rest of the time arguying whic of all the forementionned and more better to kill all you ennemies. It continued with what super power would you choose if you could have one, it then went on to who's better between Superman and Spiderman, but we settled for Wolverine and it ended on a conversation on the best actors ever like Harrison Ford, Christian Bale, Hayden Christensen, Yoda, Darth Vader, Daniel Radcliffe (we quickly put him out), Johnny Depp, Ian McKellen, Richard Harris, Ewan McGregor, Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, Robert Downey Junior, Will Smith, Tom Hanks but mostly Harrison Ford: he's the only actor we both like and he's like number one in all categories (at least all my categories).
We were about to discuss actresses when we arrived at our place (well, technically it's separated: there's his apartment and there's mine but since there's only a floor and 2 doors between the both of them it's kinda like one big house.
We also found out that the dog (I call it the rag, he calls it his one and only love just to piss me off, his real name is... None of us ever remembers it anyway) pissed all over MY carpet and managed to get into MY fridge (how can a dog even do that, I have no idea.) and ate all MY fruits, yogurt, carrots and even the nutella and the really expensive French bread! I was about to kill the fucking innocently sleeping rag (on MY bed) but I had a better idea.
I jumped on Austin, stole his keys and his wallet and I left just saying:
"This apartment is yours until everything is cleaned up! I'm going shopping, your fucking credit card is going to go very very low in the reds my dear friend, I am never ever taking care of the freaking Thing again. Good luck."
"Come on Mint, I'll clean it up, just don't leave me alone, I have a broken arm! Don't go, please. Besides, your still in your loser PJs!"
I didn't even answer. I bought myself food, a new carpet and nutella. I also used his credit card to buy myself a new outfit, do my hair, make up, manicure and a massage. Of course I was going to pay him back later but I wanted him to feel guilty and pissed for a while, it was my revenge. But I did feel a bit guilty and so I bought him some chips and I rented the Matrix, he'd like that.
When I got home, the apartment was sparkling clean.
"Wow, I didn't think you'd actually do it with your cast arm and all, I'm impressed."
"I'm sorry Mint, I needed to make it up to you. I also reserved at the Moulin de Papier, I hope my bank account isn't totally empty?"
All my anger instantly melted, I kissed him on the cheek and said I'd pay him back for the manicure and all the shit.
"Did I tell you this dress looks really good on you?"
I'd decided that to make him pay for the sly comment on my PJs (he was just jealous, I knew it) I'd come back looking cute and elegant; I'd bought a nice back dress with accessories and done my hair and all, what I never do usually (except for work).
But that didn't seem like such a good idea by the way he was looking at me, it seemed like a very bad idea actually.
"Wait? Did you actually book at the Moulin de Papier?"
It was our favorite restaurant, authentic French food, great taste in the decoration, not too expensive and consequently the hippest place in town. How did he get a table for this evening?
"Henri owes me a favor. The kind of favor that could send him to court and make him lose his beloved restaurant."
"Wait, he killed someone and your protecting him? Is that what your saying?"
He laughed: "Absolutely not, he was just a little drunk and he was flirting with a young waitress but I send him to bed before Michelle found out about it, you know the French: the men like flirting but women are very jealous."
I laughed with him, how could I have imagined Henri killing someone? He wouldn't even kill a spider, that naive soul.
I helped him get dressed in a more suitable manner for going out (Imagine the conversation: he kept swearing and complaining about his arm, a big cry-baby, that's what he was) and we left.
When we arrived, we noticed there were a bunch of couples, much more than usual and we thought it was kind of weird until the waiter (a Sexy Piece Of Toast, that one, or SPOT for short) asked us (I quote): "Monsieur and Madame Wanted the special French Valentines Day menu?" (What the fuck, we're both in our twenties, how could we ruin our lives and get married so early, the waiter was a nut).
My first reaction was to laugh and say that we weren't married, Austin just stared at the waiter in disbelief and he questioned:
"What, is today Valentine's Day?"
The waiter looked at us in a haughty/superior manner, pursed his lips and said:
"Of course, Monsieur, tables have been reserved for weeks and you didn't know today was Valentine's Day? Now, if you'll allow me, I must check if you have a legitimate reservation some couples try to trick us but we can not let this happen. Excuse me, Monsieur, Madame."
That fucking bastard was doing it on purpose. He definitely was NOT a spot after this.
"He seriously wants his ass to be kicked..."
"Did you know today was Valentine's day?"
"Well yeah, I mean all those crappy hearts and stuff where all around the mall and all the salespeople were like 'happy valentines day' with their fake Colgate smile, didn't you know? "
"So that's why Henri was so mad at me! He was all mumbling about la 'Sin-valon-tain' in French, I wonder how he got us a table for two on a night like this..."
"I'll start the luscious scallops with a side of warm goat cheese on a bed of salad leaves, you?"
I looked at him with my evil eye.
"Fine, I'll take whatever you take." I smiled happily.
"What do think that stupid waiter is going to get for his mistake?"
"He'll be lucky if he doesn't get fired."
As he said that, the waiter came rushing towards us with a bottle of champagne, he served us both:
"offered by my own personal founds, because I find you sympathetic. (Henri had probably forced him to do that.) Anything I can do for your comfort? May I take your order, Mademoiselle?" I smiled and told him what I wanted as an entree, Austin sulked as a said to the now very agreeable waiter that he was eating the same as me.
The rest of the evening was much more pleasant, Henri came to see us at one point and he was all: "You do not imagine what I had to do to get you this table..." To what Austin retorted: "If you had told me this was the V-day, you have this kind of problem!" "What's the matter, you're not happy to eat here, you can just leave you know but if you do you can never come back, you can eat McDonalds for the rest of your lives if you want, I curse you..." "Whoah, calm down, I just meant that in a night like this we look like a freakin' lovey-dovey couple" "So... you guys look mignon together." (RR, I hated that habit he had to insert random French words in every conversation.)
My mind drifted from the conversation pretty fast actually, Henri and Austin often argued over nothing and Henri accent and grave voice just made me drowsy and I hadn't had a lot of sleep.
I was rudely awaken with the words:
"Are you saying you and Michelle set us up tonight so that I could finally get laid because you felt like I was depressed these days? Get laid? With her?"
"Hey!" I finally caught on.
"I didn't mean it that way Mint, it's because we're friends."
"I know, but Henri, are you and Michelle playing some sort of Cupid game or something?"
"Well, it was her idea, she thought it'd be a good idea because she's a good people reader and she knows that you two are apparently just dying to confess your eternal love for each other, I just freed the table!"
"Tell Michelle..." we both started and paused.
"She's a terrible people reader..." I started "... Any other terrible matching failures? We have to warn people because a mistake so obvious is real career killer."
"Well, at least there's one advantage: dinner's free! Enjoy my friends! And who knows what'll happen next... Okay, I get it, I shut up, I never said anything: happy Valentines Day!"
We shrugged, it was kind of awkward for like 30 seconds and then we continued as usual, the meal rolled on with some mussels with steamed vegetables for me (with fries for Austin) and it ended with the chocolate supreme, with champagne: awesomely delicious. Near the end of the meal, I was starting to get really tired, even though it was barely 9 pm. Then I remembered something tragic:
"Ah! The thing is in the house, we have to get home before it destroys our house again!"
"Don't worry none, baby, I asked the Mary-Ashley and Kate to take care of him, they were so happy they kissed me and you know they hate having contact with men!"
I almost kissed him:
"Alleluia, an evening free from the rag! You know, you should get rid of it, give it to the girls: they've already almost adopted him and he's a lot happier there..."
"How dare you, he's my one and only love, I'll never get rid of him, even to the girls living on the first floor where I could see him every day, I'd die if I had to be separated from him for so long! So much distance between us..."
"I want to go home anyway, I'm really tired."
"Really? I'd borrowed the Moulin Rouge, you..."
" Well, never mind, I'll tell the dragon I'm sick, for the one time I don't show up, they won't mind. Ewan McGregor doesn't often come from an invitation of Austin, I can't ignore that."
We got up, left a penny for the waiter (just to be really mean, he was going to remember this night as the worse of his life, I'm an awful person) and left.
We'd just called a taxi and we were waiting outside when it started raining.
"Don't you feel like we're going from cliché to cliché?" I asked.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"It just makes me smile, I hope you don't have any others in mind tonight? I don't..."
"... Believe in clichés, I know, don't worry: I don't plan to kiss you in the rain or confess my love to you imitating McGregor singing whatever lovey song to Nicole! Nor am I going to watch over your sleep, nor do some sort of romantic weird thing."
"Because taking me to the Moulin de Papier when we're both dressed like uptight napkins for Valentine's day isn't romantic?"
"Uptight napkin? I'd never heard that one before!"
"Whatever, I'm cold, is that taxi ever going to get here?"
"I could loan you my jacket but that would be cliché, we could go back in but then we might miss it, so I guess I can just say: think of Hawaii this time of year, it'll make you feel better."
"You're only saying that because you're warm and making fun of me, but it won't make me plead for your jacket, I have to much pride for that!"
After 5 interminable minutes, the taxi finally arrived, I was frozen but Austin just snickered and let me freeze.
When we got home, I put on my sweat pants, tied my hair up, got rid of the make up and sat in front of Austin's awesome TV.
"Aw, man, why d'you take of the dress, I could've at least looked at something more interesting than that stupid movie."
"Back off, you wild beast, stay away. I was wet and uncomfortable and I don't want to be assaulted by a sex maniac."
"Well the sex maniac tells you he's a gay sex maniac and he just loves Ewan now pop the video."
"That sounds really wrong, Austin."
"What? I want to do McGregor, Nicole, you and the table all at once, where's the problem?"
"Do the table?"
"I knew it, you're against my sexual orientation but we love each other, at least the table has never let me down yet: no matter if we're different, our love will over come all obstacles!"
"Okay, please stop using lines from the Moulin Rouge to describe your relationship with our table, I hope you clean it?"
"Clean it? Never, all it's industrial polished wood sent would wash away, the delicate scent of the chemicals they use: all would be lost..."
"Sorry to cut your fantasy but the movie's starting so shut up, oh and by the way, could you bring me a piece of bread with nutella?"
"Why me? I have the cast arm! You should be..."
"Because I say so. And your dog pissed on my carpet, and it's Valentines day and men are required to be gallant with women and... Shh, shh, it's starting, don't have the time to continue, just go get me the food, fissa!"
"Fine, fine, but you know what?"
"I have the remote to the television!" He yelled before changing channels to a really strange gay porn channel. After overcoming my shock, I chased him around the kitchen, trying to get the remote back: in vain, even with a broken arm he was faster than me. I suck. Finally, I used the good old technique of ignoring him. And added some spice to the story while screaming things like: "Yes, yes, oh come on fuck me baby, do it well, ah ha, yes, yes." Adding a few noises that would make any priest die in shame, but it worked on Austin and as soon as he passed the door i jumped on him and got the remote back, victoriously taking all the remotes, squeezing them against my chest and changing the channel to DVD and start the movie again:
"I win, you get food."
"There was no previous deal."
"Well no there's one, now get me some food before I burn your eyes with gay porn again!"
"But you know I love gay porn!" He said mischievously.
"Okay, then a threesome: ugly women, very old man and a turtle... And a potato.... Screaming random lines from the... Dark Knight while swimming in a gigantic bowl of pana cota!"
"Ew, ew, disgusting: just, please stop, I'll fix you a sandwich: being the poor invalid I am, I will painfully accomplish that difficult task: but don't say things like that!"
"Go on, you cry-baby and stop complaining!"
I smiled, imagination has it's advantages: he brought me sandwich at the line 'the women I loved is... dead.' Line where I always manage to tear up. And of course, Austin made fun of me as usual, but I usually get back at him when Satine dies because he's the one about to cry even though he's playing it all manly and everything. I know him by heart.
I fell asleep very fast, even Ewan couldn't keep me awake, I was just too tired.