The look in your eyes was a promise.
And I always felt like I was meant to break every promise I ever tried to keep
And up until now that's always been how it's come to pass.
But when you wrap your fingers around mine and hold me in your arms
I am calm and I am safe and the promises that I have made you
Seem more real than every failure and fuckup of the past.
Keep me here and let our chests rise in tandem as we breathe each other in
And don't let me go until I can exorcise the demons from my veins with every exhale
Instead of chasing them out with a knife blade in the false hope that that will really change anything.
Your fingertips traced my wrists for the first time and your breath jerked
As though I had confessed my deepest sins to you with the boldfaced nonchalance
That only scars possess.
And I suppose I had, not that I could hide.
And I knew that you knew and you knew that I knew
And the look in your eyes was a promise I made to you.
Hold me as I fight these battles that you might not even know I'm fighting
But when I wake up in the night, shaking and sweating,
eyes wide as the full moon shining in on your face,
Pull me closer and wrap me in the cocoon of your embrace
And maybe you will know and maybe you won't, but just
Hold my hands to remind me that they can create as well as destroy,
So maybe the next time that part of me that is determined to devastate
Steals my heartbeat and uses it to send pangs of loss up my spine
I will think of you and be still,
for however long it takes,
I will think of your smile and the way you say my name
When you've been thinking about the best way to tell me that you want me to stay,
I will think of your strong hands and the way you hold my wrists between your palms
As if you're praying that you can melt the scars back into my skin just by hoping.
I will think of the warmth of your body when you wrap it around mine
And how for moments at a time, I feel safe in my own skin
because it is as close to yours as it can get.
I will think of you and be still,
For however long it takes,
However long it takes for the battles to end and for my heart to start beating again.
And I will think of you and be still,
Think of the promises I never quite made but for the first time intend to keep
Think of the look in your eyes when I can tell that the way I hurt myself hurts you
Think of the sound of you breathing when you sleep next to me with our bodies intertwined
And I fight through these battles to the end
So my heart can start beating for you all over again.