10/21/2012


More than One Way to Give a F

Warning: This post will involve extensive use of the F word. Oooohhh. This is the last time in this post where I refer to the F word as The F Word. And no, my title does not refer to the grade. Ahem.

So the summer's over and school's here which means it's time for me to embrace all things awkward coming my way. The following story illustrates why I think I'm off to a good start.

Picture this: Ten o' clock at night. A bunch of egotistical aspiring writers exiting a three hour long class.

He's a kinda short guy with no chin, glasses, and a patch of hair in the middle part dyed blond and gelled up. On his left, there's a tall hipsterish dude who wears colorful pants, drinks self ground coffee, and likes to twirl his lime green umbrella. I'm walking on his right, alongside them, though not on purpose. No chin guy talks to hipster about how he's not one to give a fuck. (I also realized recently that fuck is to like as young adult is to preteen. As in, instead of "She's, like, pretty cute" you get "That chick's fucking cute." Aw yeah, there's a new annoying, uncreative filler word in town.)

He turns to me and asks, "Do you give a fuck?"

Me: "…What?"

Apparently, the hipster has tired of him, so no chin guy turns to me for support. He clarifies, "I just don't give a fuck, ya know? I don't give fucks. I just don't. I'm not a fuck giver. I don't like to give fucks."

So I'm walking with him, thinking, are you kidding me, buddy? The hipster's not even interested in having a philosophical conversation about giving fucks and I look like I am? Alright, I know that by not giving fucks he meant that he's laidback and Kool Like That. But it's late and I had three hours of class with a bunch of aspiring writers with inflated egos and (being a semi-aspiring writer with a semi-inflated ego) I just wanted him to shut up. So I had the brilliant idea to ask, "Literally?"

And lo and behold, non fuck giver's ego is totally bruised. "Metaphorically," he says tersely. Then he goes on a spiel that goes something like this: "Oh, I give literal fucks. I love fucks. I'm like the Fuck Giver. I have a plaque on my wall of all the fucks I've ever given. I'm like, your go-to guy for fucks. I fuck, yeah."

Uh-huh. I nod and smile awkwardly and look for the chance to vamoose.

When we finally come to the place where we split up, he raises his arm in the air, making a silent coyote with his fingers and says, "Keep rocking." But somehow, I get the sinking feeling what he actually means, either in his head or under his breath, is, "Fuck you, bitch."