I heard the door shutting with a slam down stairs and I automatically went into panic mode. He wasn't supposed to be here right now, I was not supposed to see him today. I counted the seconds it would take him to come up to our bedroom, and with those ten seconds I had, I quickly closed up my suitcase and grab my wallet, ready to bolt at the first chance I get.
As soon as I made to grab the handle on my suitcase I heard him enter our shared bedroom. He came in slammed the door, and I flinched. I didn't want to turn around and look at him, because I was scared of what he was going to say if I saw my and my bags. But when he doesn't say anything for long time, I decide to turn around and face this problem and get over and done with.
But when I turn around I see him with his head against the door, and I guess he hasn't seen me yet.
"Eric?" I call him quietly. Even though it came out as a whisper I see him flinch.
"Jaylene." He says as he turns around. "You were not supposed to be here right now."
"And neither were you." I say matter of factly. Nobody says anything for what seems like ages, we just continue to stare at each other. When he finally breaks eye contact, he notices the bags I have around myself. And the Eric I had feared of seeing today finally comes out.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JAY?" He yells, and I automatically take a step back. I search my brain for a lie I could tell him to appease him so all hell wont break loose. But I remind myself that I had chose to face this problem once and for all.
I took a deep breath before speaking, "Eric, I am leaving." I say with a confident voice that I didn't know I had in me. Eric just continues to stare at me as If he didn't hear a word I said., so continue on, knowing this is the only chance I am going to have to say what I really want to say.
"Eric, I am leaving you, I am going to live with my parents until I can get another place to live. I just… I don't think this marriage is really working anymore; there is no love in it, and it very pointless to continue living a lie. I know you don't love me anymore; you haven't for a while now. You are never home, and when you are, all we do is yell at each other, and frankly I am sick of it. Maybe it is because we jumped into the marriage at very young age, and we weren't ready for it, but it is obvious that this marriage is not working anymore. I will send the divorce papers over sometime this week."
Through that entire speech I made, he hadn't moved or looked away from me, but I knew he wasn't really looking at, he was deep in thought, and I thought that was the best time for me to make a run for it.
When I made to grab the doorknob, he grabbed onto my wrist and that automatically made me stop in my tracks, and I looked up at him. The look in his eyes almost made want to take everything I said back, but I knew that leaving was the best thing for the both of us, so I proceeded to opening the door.
"Don't you love me anymore Jay?" He said in this very sad quiet voice, and I just wanted to turn around and pull him into a tight hug, but I knew that if I did that I wouldn't be able to leave anymore.
"Eric, I never stopped loving you, but I am not going to stay here worrying about what will happen, because right now my love for you is not enough." I said in an equal quiet voice.
"What do you mean you worry about what will happen?" he said, turning me around so I could face him.
Looking up at him I told him the main reason I was leaving him, "Eric, I hate the fact that I am always not sure about my safety around you, I hate how whenever we get in argument I always have to be the one to surrender because I am afraid that if I continue you are going to hit me. I hate the fact that I was too weak to leave when I started feeling that way, but Eric now I don't have to worry about only my safety, I have to worry about someone else's as well. " I noticed that I had started crying at the end of that, and that I was yelling as well.
"You think I am going to hit you?" he asked, and he looked like I had just slapped him.
"Eric I would like to think that you wouldn't, but when you are angry, which you seem to be all the time now, I get scared, you are scary when you are angry, and well I worry for our safety." I told him, in what sounded like a whisper even to my own ears.
"Yes Eric our safety, I am three months pregnant, not that you would know, you are never home." I replied harshly.
"YOU ARE PREGNANT AND YOU ARE THINKING OF LEAVING ME? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING JAYLENE, YOU WANT OUR SON TO GROW UP NOT KNOWING HIS FATHER? YOU WANT ME TO GO ON LIVING MY LIFE AS IF NOTHING HAPPEN WHEN THE WOMAN I LOVE LEFT WITH OUR SON? WHAT THE FUCK?" he screamed.
"FUCK YOU ERIC, I RATHER THAT THEN HAVE HIM GROWING WITH AN ABUSE FATHER WHO DOESN'T LOVE HIM OR HIS MOTHER. HE OR SHE DESERVES BETTER THAN TO HAVE A BROKEN HOME." I screamed back. "Why do you have to make everything complicated Eric, I just gave you a way out of a loveless marriage, just take and leave me be?" I finally finished off, somewhat defeated.
"Jay," he said softly, "didn't you hear me just say that I love you? Jay please don't leave, you have to know that I would never hurt you." He said grabbing my hand and pulling me towards him, he looks at my face but I turn away.
"But Eric, I don't know that." I said.
"I will help if it will make you stay, because Jaylene, I am still in love with you, and I don't know if I will be able to live without you. Please Jay, give me another chance, I am sorry I have been acting out, work has been crazy and yes I do admit I have problems. But I felt for awhile that you didn't love me anymore because I spent too much at work and all, so I distanced myself." He said.
"Why didn't you just talk to me Eric? I am always here, you could have just talked to me and it would have saved us a lot of headaches." And I finally turned to look at him, "But I will stay Eric, I will give us another chance." I said with a small smile. Because I somehow believed that he was telling the truth and I really wanted to be with him.
He searched my face for confirmation and I guess he liked what he found because he suddenly crashed his lips to mine in a slow passionate kiss that had me feeling as if it was my very first kiss.