Letters From Your Perfect Friend

by Bertie the Redwood

Dear Sam,

Thanks for telling me all about your weekend! That party sounds like it was loads of fun. The lights, the music, the dancing, and not to mention all those hot guys you "hung out with"! No really, thanks for the explicit details. Being as inexperienced as I am in that department, I would have been totally lost if you hadn't explained yourself so thoroughly.

But I had fun this weekend too! I finished reading The House of the Scorpion, by Nancy Farmer. That's a book, Sam... You know, those things with the words and the paper? No, it doesn't have any pictures. I know you're probably not interested, but it was a great story and I'd really love to tell you about it- No, no, that's fine. We can talk about you again.

You say you feel like such a bad person for sleeping with someone you barely know? Oh, you poor thing! You say you're worried about getting pregnant? Well, that's not something I've ever had to be concerned with myself, but I sure bet it would throw a wrench in your life. Of course I can keep this a secret.

Did you want to hear what's been going on in my life? No? That's okay, you have enough problems of your own. No, no, don't worry about it. It wasn't very important.

Your Perfect Friend, Mickey W.

* * *

Dear Carrie,

It's good to hear from you again. I'm sorry you're still not feeling well. You have my deepest sympathies. I am, of course, in perfect health. You probably already knew that, since I never get sick. I was so sorry to hear that your sister was in ANOTHER car accident! How many is that now, five? I feel like I should be checking in on a weekly basis just to make sure she's still alive!

How is the situation with your parents going? I received your last letter- it was impressive in both length and vocabulary. Did you feel the need to vent, dear? -and I feel your pain. Well, not really. As you know, my parents and I get along swimmingly. But I can pretend I understand, if that will help.

Keep me updated!

Your Perfect Friend, Mickey W.

* * *

Dear Anna,

I'm sorry if I offended you at church. I really didn't mean to laugh when the deacons dropped the cross and Jesus fell into the baptism tank. Although, I do think you might have overreacted a little bit too. After all, it wasn't really Jesus, just the pastor's son Paul Hartly dressed in a white robe. And I know I'm not the only one who thought it was funny! Now I know you're going to want to talk about this little incident. I also know you think my outburst in the sanctuary is a sure sign of my dying faith. Let me reassure you that, contrary to what you believe, you are absolutely and completely WRONG!

Laughing at someone embarrassing themselves isn't blasphemy! We don't need to have a big long therapy session like the time I told you I was tired of being single, and you reminded me of all the joys of waiting for Mr. Right. For the love of God, you don't need to analyze every little thing I do!

Again, I'm not trying to offend you Anna. I'm just reminding you that I am the perfect christian, with the perfect family, and the perfect life. I don't need your help, nor do I want it.

Your Perfect Friend, Mickey W.

* * *

(A/N There's one more note after this. It sort of foreshadows Mickey's nervous breakdown in "A Lovely Recipe for Friends and Family". I would post it now, but I'm waiting to get my notebook back from my professor. Hopefully, I'll have this completed by Thursday. Thanks for reading! Remember, reviews are appreciated!)