The sky is cloudy right now, so is my mind.
I look around everywhere, trying hard to find
An answer to the question haunting me all day-
Is this my ultimate blow of defeat or is there a way
To stand back up with greater strength and fight?
Tell me, am I supposed to try to make it all alright?
I am so disappointed as I watch it all crumble,
I am so disappointed as years of hard work fails.
They say 'fate is over-rated, it's you who decides'.
So why am I facing disappointment in every stride?
I bind my heart with new hope and try my very best.
Disappointing "you can't do it" clogging my chest.
With new excitement and passion my heart drove
Past the obstacles, avoiding every cunning shove.
Then it's another defeat, my disappointment drips.
I think of my God, a weary sigh escapes my lips.
I place a hand over my chest, take in a deep breath.
Even when it's so disappointing, I will stick to my faith.
So tell me, my dear God, how do I deal with disappointment?
How do I deal with failure despite the time and energy I spent?
In spite of my good intentions, my efforts meet disappointment.
I'd still stick to my belief that rules aren't meant to be bent.
I'd stick to truth, and right, and justice, and keeping it fair
Even when the disappointment I feel is too much to bear.
And then at the toss of your coin, God, I will lose it all.
I will be so disappointed again as I watch my world fall.
You are good, God, and good is supposed to reign over bad.
Then why do we fall prey to evil, why do they make us sad?
You'd say this is how I'm growing, how I'm supposed to learn.
What kind of teacher are you that you're making my world burn?
God is supposed to create what's good, and not destroy.
God is supposed to wipe the rivers of tears and spread joy.
My heart is pure, God, I can swear it in your name.
Then what sin did I commit that life is playing this game?
Hasn't it already been washed away by the tears I've shed?
Haven't I paid enough already, don't you know I'm half dead?
I'm sorry God, I just don't understand you.
They say there's a purpose in everything you do.
Well, I just can't see it, whatever message you're trying to send
I don't get it, not with my heart constantly at mend.
If the message is that evil are happy and good people are not,
I think I've got it after losing all the battles I've fought.
If the test is to see if I still stay on the good side,
Look at me, God, any place, any time, and you decide.
Gaining and achieving victory are not going to taint me.
From the materialistic greed, my soul has been set free.
Try giving me something for a test and see if I change.
My heart will always be within the good range.
I cannot become arrogant, I cannot become selfish,
I know it's you who gives us all, I will never forget this.
Whether I'm a beggar or a wealthy princess,
Wherever I am, my heart will stay intact from darkness.
If you decide I don't deserve anything, that's okay.
I humbly accept what you offer, I have nothing to say.
I'm questioning you God, but I'm not leaving your shadow.
Even when I'm so disappointed, my faith in you will only grow.
Do you know why? Because I can now see.
I realize that every time you broke me,
You always lent
Me your strength
So that I could survive it.
So that I could take defeat.
You're teaching me how to go on when I'm so disappointed.
And I promise you I am learning to keep my soul untainted.
You are one thing that even you can't take away from me any day.
As long as I believe in you, when you make me get lost, I'll find my way.
I'm so disappointed with everything now, yes, I am in pain.
But as I pray to you, it's being washed away by the rain….
A/N: I just wrote this to Maa Kali specifically. This is exactly how I feel at this moment. A lot of questions, a lot of complaints, but unwavering faith. This is how I pray these days, via poetry :/ My chest literally burns right now, and my throat feels like it's trying to close. My tears have already dried. It has to be God's blessing that I can still breathe.