Of a Lying Bastard
Chapter 1: Truth Be Told
Just look at that.
Look at that stupid, bucktoothed creature right across the table munching on that greasy hamburger which has those sliced tomatoes slipping down to smear one of the clear glass round tables of the cafeteria. I mean, look at him. I don't even know why I have to work with this guy. Seriously, I can do the work myself but no, that fat trucker-looking gangbanger of a boss that I have just had to assign this little piece of shit as my co-writer for this article about a list of Bizarre Coincidences, more like bizarre bad luck. Just when I had this gem of a subject on my precious hands, someone just had to share it with me. I'm not being selfish or anything but come on, if you were in my shoes, you would know. You would know so well. It's like finally getting your free pizza but for some reason you passed by the wrong alley down the road and you just got robbed by a smelly beggar and you just have to give him your share of the meal cause you are morally obliged to do so or else. Or else. I mean, seriously, why? Why do I have to be good? I worked hard for this. You might think I'm being entirely mean to the less fortunate, but if I change the recipient of my share into a relative, a freaking nephew or cousin or someone who's just living without even working hard for their needs, what would you do? So here I am, can I just say FML?
Before anything else, I would just like for you to know that whatever you're going to read is a hundred percent truth, as I presume that you can see, you are actually inside my head reading my thoughts. Well you never know, I might still be lying here in my head but what the hell. This is just between you and me. I mean, you get me right? I know oh so well that you can understand just how it is to be in my position. Everyone knows that you're the nice guy, playing it cool and shit but no, in your head a lot of times you have wanted to scream just how stupid and pathetic some people are.
"Jacob... Jake! Hey, what do you think about my tie?" asked the loser right across my seat. He looked extra enthusiastic with that stupid cheesy grin that emphasized the chunk of wet bread stuck between his two front teeth.
I just knew you'll ask me about it anytime soon, I have been waiting for it. You don't even have to flash it around for people to see cause honestly man, whatever you're gonna wear is the only thing that we would always notice for I, in behalf of all the people in this building, do not even dare take a glance at your face. Anything that you wear will always be the interesting piece cause there is NOTHING interesting going on from the neck-up. Oh, you asked me about the tie? Seriously, man. A Spongebob Squarepants tie? Dude, the only type of guys that would be able to look awesome wearing those would be attractive boy-next-door models who are dressed up to look dorky, not ACTUAL dorks without a set of table manners. We both know that clearly, you are the latter, there's no fucking doubt about that. Wait a minute, you didn't know? Do you even have any mirror or at least any object with a reflective surface? No? Well I suggest you buy a big one, or just live in a mirror house or whatever, please. You need it. You really do. It's not just for you man, you're gonna be doing us a favor. Cause you know, we, your co-workers are humans, we have feelings, you know sometimes, we just want to walk in the office at a Monday morning and know for ourselves that it's going to be a great day ahead. How I wish I could see that day. No offense man, but when you walk in, it's as if terrorists have come into this place, you leave us all scared for our lives and you're not even doing anything. You just walk in and wreak havoc. Please man, I beg you, do it for me, do it for our boss, do it for us, or just do it for the fucking community, hell do it as a service for your country.
That's what I should have said.
He waited for my answer as I tried not to make a single muscle in my face express any hint of negativity. I don't know but it's like a reflex. It just came out of my mouth.
"It looks great on you, man... it really uhm... brings out... the uhh... colour of your suit. Good call. Do you have another one with a Patrick Star design? I would love to see you rocking those ties when you come in here tomorrow. Gotta love the pink sidekick appeal man." I smiled.
I know. I know, it was awful. But what can I do? I'm only Jake Finley, a web columnist for , Your Daily Top ten Lists of Anything under the sun. Maybe I can tell you why the founders thought of that URL for a website a little later? It might just trigger annoyance for you as it did for me. Anyway, all I'm saying is that I don't have the guts to tell people what they ought to know. Well, they loved me for it. Truth be told, people love it when you lie to them. People are such masochists in their own right. If you ask me if I've ever been honest with at least one person in this office, well I think you got it right. You got it all right. Nope, never. To what extent? You'll find out. Or maybe you won't.
So please stop reading my mind.