Of A Lying Bastard
Chapter 6: Deadlines
Warning: Inappropriate language.
Can't say I'm not liking this. A little request gets granted in a matter of seconds. This is office life. No, THIS is life in general! Now that I got Our Lady in Purple on a leash, she can't get me anymore fired from all of the offenses that I've done to her. I also get a lot of freebies, she's like a freaking genie that will grant whatever I say, I mean, she wouldn't want to get publicly humiliated with me just spreading the news that she is indeed shagging our trucker boss BDSM style.
"I don't like that look." Cas took a single bite off of his Chicken sandwich. His eyes were squinted at me.
Shit. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of everything going so well in my favor. I mean, I got Orly to rush the article by himself then Amy just told him that he's off the hook and I gladly stole his article and passed it off as my own work, then voila, I met the deadline and got the next week articles on my own, without that fatsuit wearing hobo to share the load.
"Seriously, dude, you look like a weasel. Stop it"
"A really handsome weasel right?" I retaliated with a sparkling smile.
"Sad to say, yes though" he replied with his best pokerface.
"Stop hitting on me"
Whoops! There she comes with my cup of coffee. Fuming. Aha, I think she's about to reach her boiling point. Ever since I was able to get the upper hand in this situation, my sudden suggestive language vomit has tamed down. It's probably just confidence issues, I suppose. But whatever it is, I'm glad I am able to turn this around and put the situation in good use.
"Here's your coffee, SIR!" that emphasis was pretty sexy. I love it.
"Well, thank you, Amy. That's very nice of you. However, I did not ask for this much cream in this..." I stared down at my coffee which looked pale from too much milk.
"Well, you could have been more specific"
"Amy, Amy, if I could choose to be more specific with everything. but I think everyone around here doesn't want to be packing their things off their desk so if you may I would like to have my coffee with a little less cream, thank you."
We watched her, with a forced smile, take the cup and saucer off the table as she swayed her hips back to the office pantry.
"What have you done...Jacob" Cas' eyes pierced it's way into mine. From the looks of it, he's probably suspicious about what is up between Amy and me. His stare has lingered on long enough to make me feel uncomfortable.
"Relax mate... I'm just trying to make the office a little less boring for everyone"
"No man, seems to me this is only for you, you didn't even tell her to get me one as well. However I do not wish to be a part of your evil plans. I'm telling you, Jake. Whatever it is you're doing... you need to stop. I'm not even guessing that when your coffee comes back, it's gonna be spiked...with tons of laxative."
Like I'm going to be scared with that. I watched Cas stand up dramatically taking along with him his unfinished Chicken sandwich. Come on! What's the worst thing that could happen to me? Oh right. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm not the one who's having an illicit office affair in here. I am but a witness.
Well, before I appear like I've gone mental alone in here in this mini cafeteria, I'm gonna need to step up my game and push my winning cards in the right direction. Enough of these little services. What I need is a raise. How long have I been working here? A year and two months, more or less. And how much do I get? Okay, I just realized I don't even wanna talk about it. Let's just say, with the kind of salary I have, I am able to afford three tall cups of Starbucks coffee a week, the rest of the money goes to my rent and some other savings I have for other important matters. I need a thousand dollar raise. Too much? Not as much as the danger of the information I possess in my...
Wait a minute. What is that noise? I think I may have heard syllables along the lines of ching chong. Leaning with my chair back, I had a view of the halls of the office. A scalp is all that I can see moving through the cubicles back at the hall, that floating scalp even passed by my desk. How dare that scalp...
I waited for it to get out of those row of cubicles so I could see this midget in full view. 5...4...3...2... there it goes – what. What? Oh my freaking Asian. It's the woman in the picture on my boss's desk! The Asian wife. As much as I expected her to come in a kimono or something, she's actually wearing a very plain looking H&M winter ensemble. I don't even get it. She looked really young with her height yet her face looked caked up and mature. Her skin was so fair, it was blinding. I didn't know my boss was not just into BDSM but also some pseudo-pedophilia. Fuck this shit.
This is my chance. I've got all the leverage I need right here at this exact moment to get my raise. Oh how I love just how everything's falling into place. I stood up quickly and made my way to the Asian wife who seemed so lost within the alphabet of the office. Stressed, so she seems to be with her brows meeting in confusion.
"Good afternoon ma'am! How may I help you?" I just can't help but be so enthusiastic, thinking of te money I'm gonna get at the end of the day.
"I-I.." she muttered while pointing at random stuff around the office. Ugh. She doesn't even understand me.
"Oh, if you're looking for that fat trucker of a boss and most conveniently your lying husband, you're gonna have to follow me, the greatest if not generous employee of the whole GreaterThanBullet office but you're gonna have to wait for a bit since that pervert must be having a wank under his desk as of the moment. And since you don't really understand any word that I'm saying, you're a fugly slut and that scarf is just a horrible mess. Thank you and this way please."
She didn't look all too amused but I don't give a fuck. I want my raise and I want it now. There must be so much excitement in me that I may or may not have galloped my way into my boss's office. As badass as most of you think I am, I barged in...
"Jake! Good thing you came in, I was just gonna ask you about the arti..."
I slammed both my hands on his desk and demanded my rights, "Okay fuckwit, I know of your kinks with our resident psychologist and if you don't want to get in trouble on your marriage with your immigrant wife, you're gonna have to give me a raise, do you understand me? Yeah, you heard me right you twat. I want a thousand dollar raise to keep my mouth shut or you're gonna have to face your adulterous bondage and sadomasochistic lifestyle in public."
"Th-that's...that's unacceptable, Finley." That was the only thing he could mutter. It's so amusing to watch him gulp a mouthful of his saliva down his throat. Guilty people are the worst. Their facial expressions and defensive gestures just go against them every single fucking time
"Yeah you guilty bitch, I got you under my strings now and you're gonna have to do everything as I say. You might even want to start calling me 'boss' from now on. Cause in 5... 4... 3... 2 and 1. Boom your life has changed!" I pointed at the door and the Asian wife came in
"Brother!" she exclaimed.
... Excuse me?
"Lil' sista Kimmy! What are you doing here?"
...Kim-my... Lil sista... okay, what is going on. Oh shit.
"Surprise! I just came from the airport and wow seriously, a lot of things have change in here. How long has it been since I last saw you? Oh my god, our mom would be so proud, come on look at you being all executive and stuff! You seem to have lost a little weight, you haven't been taking care of yourself aren't you. Oh my god, I have...A gift for you!" she twirled the scarf off of her neck and gave it to my boss.
"An H&M scarf! Oh Kimmy! You shouldn't have! Oh wait..", my boss took the scarf and folded it on the table neatly, just then he noticed I'm in the room with them.
"Jake, this is my sister Kim, my parents adopted a Korean baby when I was little cause I was like begging for a little sister. We grew up together in Michigan but last year she went back to visit Korea and she has yet to tell me what happened in her trip"
"Hey, Jake, oh my god, you are a funny guy and you talk really...really fast like are you rapper or something?" she tapped my arm while she flailed laughing to herself.
FUCK MY LIFE. Fuck it real good. She can fucking understand English. And she probably don't know any Korean at all. Well here goes my life.
Amy came in with a smirk on her face and a cup of coffee in her hand, "Congratulations" she said. My boss waved at her casually.
"I THINK I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS." I suddenly blurted out loud before Amy left us three in the room.
OMFG. IT'S BACK! Her effect on me is back! Okay, that's it. I think you and I both know what has become of my life in this office.
My boss slammed his palm on the table, "Finley, I cannot allow you making use of any innuendo on our resident psychologist. I can't also have you spreading around here rumors about me having an immigrant wife, that is just unacceptable! I am divorced, Amy and I are dating out of the office. So accusing me of adultery seems a lot off the real deal. Finley, I shouldn't say this but, you are one of my favorite employees in here, and probably one of the best writers we have and it's just so obvious that the recent article you passed is from Orly and not from you. I hate to say this but... Jacob Finley..." he slid the sheet of article for Bizarre Coincidences in front of me.
Wait. No. You can't do this. I cut him off at once.
"Nope. No no no no. No! You're not gonna fire me cause I... I QUIT! I'm quitting from this shit! This company is a bunghole alright, GreaterThanBullet my triangular ass! Look at the fucking logo, a column of the 'greater than' symbol used as bullet points? Really, bitch? Really? That's your creative thinking? I don't want to be a part of this shit no more. So here's for you, Fuck you, fat trucker! And Fuck you Kimmy! Fuck all of you and here's your coffee!"
After putting down the cup of coffee which spilled a few drops on his table, I stormed out of the room and went back to my desk where everyone is looking at me pack all of my stuff into a cardboard box. They all probably heard all of the commotion in my boss's room. Well here I am, people inside my head, I am officially unemployed. As I took my first steps going away from my desk with both arms holding my box, I heard one clap, followed by another... and another, until all of them are standing up applauding as they watched me leave. Orly had the door open for me with a big sparkling Patrick Star smile on his face, "Adios!" he was extremely happy I can tell, bitch got his revenge.
I can't let him have the last laugh so I handed him his article,
"Orly, this is not food but I know you'll eat it anyway, I mean you still haven't stocked up as much for winter yeah? Don't worry, I think paper with ink and one written shit of an article are carbs."
Suck it, fat slut. I think I'm done. This mind of a lying bastard had its run, who knows what will happen next to me? Well, I think you're gonna stick around anyway to find out, right? Winky face.
A/N: I normally wouldn't put any author's note on my stories cause I feel like it breaks the illusion or something if you get what I'm saying. And if you're probably still hearing the voice you imagined for Jake Finley in this... well you should stop. I am in no way similar with the character, but you wouldn't know that right? ;) I'm kidding. Anyway, I'm just gonna take this time to thank everyone who read this series. It may take a long while before I get to work on a second part to this, but yeah, stick around. I'll be concentrating more on my other... serious stuff so yeah if you have time, go read them up as well. It was fun to write this story and I definitely would like to come back to it again. Thank you. :)