I never planned to write another chapter for this, but it occurred to me a few weeks back, that the story Sing has Unfortunate Implications. So, I'm here to remedy that. No one called me on it, but it has to be done anyway.
I was home alone, watching TV, as I waited for Cain to return home from his parent's house. He'd been gone almost all day, but I didn't want to rush him, since he'd gone two whole years without talking to them at all. Now, they needed time to get to know each other again, and for the first time, in he and Logan's case. He'd texted me about an hour ago, saying they were all going out for dinner, and that he'd bring something back for me. I figured he'd come home after that, but even if he didn't, I'd survive.
But it wasn't really myself I was worried about. I wasn't the one who would suddenly just stop talking, right in the middle of a conversation, and get a look in my eyes, like I was remembering something, something bad.
But he had been getting better. Miles might have taken a lot from him, but his will to fight wasn't one of them.
I flipped to the news, and to my surprise, they were talking about Cain. I guess I shouldn't have been, though. It had been six months since Cain had retired from singing, but he was still somewhat of a hot topic. After all, it was quite something, to find out that a singer was being sexually abused by his manager, only to have said singer kill the manager on live television.
But they weren't talking about that.
"So, is that what you believe?" a female host was asking her male companion. "That Cain Hart isn't really gay?"
I sat up further, my interest peaked. What was this?
"No, I don't think so." the male responded. "I'm not saying this is proof that all people are gay by choice, but one does have to see that, after being sexually abused for two years, Cain Hart still chose to be in a relationship with another man."
"But, couldn't that indicate that he really is gay?" the female countered with. "Since, even after such a destructive relationship, he still wanted to be with a guy?"
"That could be one way to think of it." the man answered, giving her that much. "But I also do think that it indicates that, after being in a sexually traumatizing situation, people can change their sexuality."
"So, you think Cain Hart is gay, because he was raped?"
"I definitely think it's possible."
I clicked off the TV, not wanting to hear any more, and the apartment was filled with silence. I hadn't thought about that before. Was Cain only gay because of what had happened to him?
After a couple of minutes, I decided to brush the thought away. There was no way that was the only reason Cain was with me. He loved me.
But what if he didn't love me? Not in that way? What if he only thought he did, and would actually be happier with a girl? Had he considered it? Unable to brush the thoughts aside, I went online, and looked it up. Could people turn gay because of sexual abuse? The replies were mixed. Some people said yes, said some said no, and even those people that didn't think gay was a choice said it was possible. It didn't really help me much.
Just as I shut the window to the tab, I heard shouting outside, shouting I was familiar with. It was the familiar sounds of paparazzi, shouting their questions at Cain. I walked over to the door, and opened it, peaking out, past the other apartments around us. After a couple seconds, Cain came into view, ignoring the people surrounding him, and walking purposefully towards the door.
I pulled off the coat I was wearing, and went to him, throwing it over his head, so they'd stop taking pictures of him. They started shouting to me too, but I ignored them, leading Cain into the apartment, and shutting the door behind us. What I'd just seen on TV was still fresh on my mind, but looking at him smile as he started to tel me about his day, I pushed it away.
Abel had been acting weird ever since I came home. At first I'd thought it might just be my imagination, but then his twin sister stopped by for a few minutes, and as she walked out the door, she asked, "Did you and Abel have a fight or something? He seems upset."
Now we were getting ready for bed, him brushing his teeth, and me changing into my pajama's. I looked over at him, and thought about asking what was bothering him. But what if it was something bad? What if he wanted to break up with me?
The thought sent chills down my spine, and I kept my mouth shut. That might have been selfish of me. If he wanted to end it, shouldn't I let him? If that made him happy, wasn't it for the best?
But, I need Abel. Even though it was getting easier and easier to go about life, day by day, it was still hard. Maybe when I felt I could make it on my own, I could let him go, but for now...I really needed him.
As I went to join him in the bathroom, I could see him watching me out of the corner of his eyes in the mirror. Why was he studying me like that? What was he looking for? Reasons to stay?
The more I thought about it, the more panicked I became, but I tried my best to reign it in, because what if that was one of the reasons he was sick of me was because of my panic attacks? My nightmares and bouts of shaking?
I had to try and act normal.
When he got in the bed, I watched him for a second as I slipped onto my side. Usually, he slept on his back, so that way I could lay my head on his chest.
But this time, he turned over on his side, turning his back to me. Oh. Oh no. He didn't want to sleep cuddled up with me. He didn't want to even look at me. I remained sitting up in the bed, staring at the wall through the dark.
What should I do? Should I just roll over on my side and go to bed? Or should I try and talk to him? In the end, I slowly laid on my back, and moved my eyes from the wall to the ceiling, listening to the cold silence that felt like it should be filled with the nightly ramblings we usually had before we go to bed.
I shut my eyes, trying to just block it all out and go to bed. But immediately, images of Miles started to slowly trickle in, until they turned into a flood of vivid memories I didn't want to remember.
Automatically, I started to scoot towards Abel, and he felt my movement, because he turned and looked at me over his shoulder. I grabbed his shirt, and rested my head on his back. It made me feel safe. A second later, he rolled on to his back, putting his arm around my shoulder, and letting me scoot into him, until my head was on his chest, just like I liked it to be.
I shut my eyes as he begins to rub a hand up and down my back, soothing me. I think to him, as hard as I can, please don't leave me, please don't leave me.
When Cain moved on to my chest, I quickly and instinctively did my best to calm him down. Nights were sometimes hard for him, sometimes easy. I guess tonight was going to be a hard night.
"What are you remembering?" I whisper to him, knowing he knows he has the option to not tell me anything. Some nights he wanted to share it, some nights not.
"I'm remembering when he kept me tied for a chair for three hours." he whispers back. I hold him closer, and he snuggles in. It comforts me, but I'm still wondering if it's what he really wants, or if it's only what he thinks he wants.
"Why...did he tie you to the chair?"
He's silent for a second, thinking about whether he wants to continue on with the story.
"I...didn't want to...hmmm..." he drifts off uncomfortably. "Suck..."
He ends it there, but I get what he means, and I growl under my breath. I'm so glad that sick bastard is dead. If only I had been the one to kill him, though. Even though he completely deserved what happened to him, I know it bothers Cain. I'm not sure exactly what it is about it that bothers him, but I can't stop him from letting it. I can try my best to make it stop though.
"Don't worry," I say to him. "I'll never make you do anything you don't want to do."
He nods. "Yeah. I know."
And I do know. But what if the reason he won't make me do anything I don't want to do is because he wont' be here. What if the heartbeat I can hear right now isn't around for much longer?
I decide to kiss him, but as I start to lean up, he suddenly puts a hand on my chest.
I freeze. He didn't want to kiss me.
He really was going to leave me.
But the next words out of his mouth surprise me.
"Are you sure that's what you want, Cain?"
I cock my head.
"What do you mean?"
"I saw something on TV today. About you."
The news still did talk about me. Mostly good stuff. But I can tell by the way Abel says this, that whatever he saw wasn't good.
"It was this guy." Abel locked eyes with me. Whatever this was, was serious. It was really bothering him. "He said that the only reason you're gay...is because of Miles."
I stared at him for a couple of seconds in silence, and then I smiled, and shook my head.
He looked back at me, and now he looked confused, because clearly my answer was a little lacking in explanation.
"I knew I was gay before I even met Miles."
His eyes widened, and I felt one of his hands on my back again. "Really?"
I nodded. "I actually had a boy I liked. Just a crush really. But I never told anyone. Nobody but..." I paused for a second, then shook it off. "Miles. I told Miles, back when I still trusted him. I guess that might have really been when he decided it was fate."
Abel sighs in relief, and then he pulls me over to complete the kiss I'd tried to start minutes before. When it ends, we snuggle up in the bed.
"Maybe I should tell that story on TV." I add, just as I feel him drifting off. "I don't want people using me as an example for trauma being a reason people are gay."
"It's up to you."
I think about it. "Yeah. I think it'd be best."
It gets quiet again, and he kisses me on the forehead. Just as I'm sure he's about to fall asleep, I whisper in his ear, "You know what else I've been thinking?"
"Hmm?" he grunts tiredly.
"I've been thinking that..."
I hold his hand, squeezing it tightly, because even though I had been thinking about this a lot, it still kind of scared me.
"That I might still want to sing."
His eyes open, and he looks at me. I'd stopped singing after everything with Miles. I thought it would be best if that whole part of my life was over. But recently, I'd been remembering how much I'd enjoyed it, before Miles ruined it for me. And how much I missed it.
He hugs me as close as I can get.
"I think that would make a lot of people happy. But only do it if it will make you happy."
I'll give it more thought, but I feel like me mind is starting to be made up. If I was with Abel, and could go back to singing, and not have it remind me of Miles, with my family on the sidelines, I don't think my life could be any better. The only problem might be getting Misty and Scotty back. They did after all, have a child now. If they were willing to bring that baby on the road, that would solve it.
But if not, I wouldn't want to tear them away from it.
I shut my eyes, deciding to just think about it in the morning. I had plenty of time.
My life wasn't over yet.
It was really only beginning.