Okay, okay, so the next is the last. Thank you very much for coming this far!
Word Salad Anger
I find it hilarious, though.
How father had never realized his own ugliness as he repeated his little maxim to me over and over. How he forced the most hideous wants and disgusting needs on me.
You must realize ugliness is not only on the outside.
It is to be found inside. It is a goddamned state of mind.
T_ was so very rude, being ugly inside and out and having to make me deal with it.
I know, though, that isn't enough for you.
Why attempt a shoot-out of the entire school?
Because it wasn't just her.
Have I not told you, friend, of the many who stood by and allowed this to go on for a freaking year?! So what if I was a "loner?" THE loner?
Apparently, that was a green light for everyone to bully or ostracize me.
Because I was less than human to them.
But I'm not, and they have NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT!
These are ugly, UGLY PEOPLE! It makes me want to vomit just remembering that I had thought they didn't want to be victims, too.
No, they liked standing by and watching.
Even the week before, though, I was stupid. I tried to see if maybe there was someone, anyone who would be kind enough to stand with me.
Just one last time.
There was an unseasonable, heavy rain over the weekend before, when T_ decided me walking upright with spotless clothes just didn't look right.
Suddenly, I was face down on the mud, mouth bleeding and tasting of dirt. She'd pushed me again.
"Watch your step, there."
It was the school's courtyard. I looked around, at the people milling about.
Help me. Why won't you help me?
She noticed my searching eyes. "Of course no one is gonna do anything. Why would they?"
The firestorm raged in my face again. Slowly, words hissed out: "Because you're ugly."
Her face froze with disbelief. "What did you say?"
"Because…" I slowly got to my feet. "You…and them…you are all ugly, evil people."
I got no response. It was quiet except for a sharp intake of breath. My own.
"You know, my shit of a father always said it was rude to be ugly and make people have to look at you. I thought maybe if I kept my head down, things would be better...Because I had thought he was right. I thought it was me that was ugly outside; and you, hideous on the outside, were my punishment. I had thought maybe I deserved it, and for a little while I actually hoped and tried to pretend it was just playful; that SOMEONE wasn't out to hurt me, and maybe once you felt better, had your fill, you'd become my friend or leave me alone. Learn some fucking manners. But no…you." I had to fight to keep from growling the word. "YOU."
I kept my hands clenched, trying hard to keep control.
I had cussed, let the anger slip. It felt good.
"You never changed. It made me realize how very incomplete that saying is. It's more than if you look ugly. It's rude to be ugly in ANY way and make someone else, anyone else have to DEAL with you. That makes you an ugly person, that's why you're a horrible bitch! Who wants anyone to feel that way about them? You want me to stop thinking that way?! Then leave me be, and maybe we can both feel a little less ugly!"
She seemed to actually be listening. Sure, she also looked ready to strangle me halfway through, but I thought she was actually listening. Maybe, I thought, I would reach her.
If no one else, this could end with her.
Then, at last, she spoke.
"Don't be mad at me just 'cause your daddy didn't love you."
…That was all.
"You…j-just, I can't…no sting for you…to hell with, with hives! Just…lots of flames…you shit…just burn…the-the flames…"
Have you ever had this problem where you're so furious you can't even make sense anymore? It must have been nonsense to her.
That's why she started to laugh.
I gave up and screamed the last thing she would hear me say as a victim, while I ran from the campus.
"YOU CAN JUST BURN IN HELL!"
I looked at the confused, annoyed bystanders. I was the threat, the disturbance now.
"SCREW YOU, TOO!"
Yes. Screw them all.
Reviews, now, please.
P.S.-You must remember, what I am portraying here is the WRONG mindset for this kind of thing. No one should have to be put in some kind of pecking order, is what this is basically about.
Don't make people have to suffer your shortcomings, don't let yourself be a victim and then take THAT out on anyone who didn't "save" you.
It's not their responsibility to be your hero. It's YOURS.
I hope everyone already knew that.