My Strange Teachers and Substitute Teachers:

These are all true events. I have experienced a lot of weird teachers in my time, and I bet you have too. Here are some of them. (I have forgotten most of their names and replaced them with what they remind me of).

Mrs. Kidney:

In the second grade, we had a substitute teacher. When the class all saw her, we suspected nothing. She looked like a nice, normal sub that loved her kids and would teach us long division with puppets. Little did I know that she was one of the strangest subs I would ever have. She walked into the classroom and said, "Everyone is born with two kidneys. There are no exceptions. I was born with one kidney." I was confused here. She had contradicted herself. I looked around the room, but none of my classmates seemed to notice or care. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to give her more of a chance. "Life was good, until I had kidney failure. Luckily, one of my friends had an extra kidney and donated it to me. However, since I was born with one kidney, my organs were arranged differently. There was no room for a kidney! Luckily, the doctors put it in my arm instead." Now I was VERY confused. How could a kidney work from your arm? She then walked around the room and let us touch it. It was a big blue lump in her arm that had its own heartbeat. I was the only kid in the whole class who did not touch it.

Mrs. Complainer:

In third grade, our teacher was "different". I had the feeling she didn't like math, because whenever math time came up, it suddenly got replaced with story time. But it was not Snow White story time. She would tell us everything that was wrong with her life. We were her counselors. Her stories ranged from "When my father peed his pants at my house" to "That cop who stopped me while I was speeding because I was in labor and about to have a kid." I still laugh at the one with the cop, it was her most repeated story. Also, the cop was in love with her sister, and NEVER stopped her sister, but always gave her tickets.

Miss Scary Lady:

I missed the first day of first grade. Apparently, on that day, the other kids learned about levels of speech. 1 was a whisper, and 5 was shouting. When I came back, everyone took a test on these levels. I had to take it, even though I had no idea what it was about. The questions were worded like, "One does 1 mean?" so I had no idea what to do. I got every question wrong, and the teacher yelled at me for being an incompetent brat. She has hated me to the guts ever since. One time I asked to go to the bathroom. She said, "I dunno, CAN you?" I replied, "MAY I go to the bathroom?" and she said, "I dunno, MAY you?" Then I said, "I may!" and rushed to the bathroom. I got put in detention, and got the part of "Background guy" in a play we put on where everyone else had a talking line. (there were free parts that talked, too!)

Miss Scary Lady Part 2:

In fourth grade, I switched schools. They weren't too far away, but the new one had glass floors and better education. In fifth grade we had a new music teacher. It was Miss Scary Lady. I play a lot of instruments, and I've been able to read music since I was four, so it REALLY annoyed me that we had a teacher who was not only evil, but knew nothing about music. All we did was get these musical sticks that when you bash on the floor, they make note sounds. She didn't care what we did, so we basically hit each other with musical sticks for a year. Then there was the mandatory musical. Apparently, our teacher was allowed to pick ANY musical, from Wicked to Sweeny Todd, as long as it wasn't holiday based. She chose "Character Matters", a sexist, lame musicals made by druggies where the girls cried in one part, and the boys made fun of them. The boys got to wear fedoras, while the girls HAD to wear plastic tiaras. I put on a fedora, and got in a LOT of trouble afterward. All the songs were stupid, and we didn't even sing. We "pretended", she called it, while a recording was playing. I sang along to every song really loudly and off-key, and I got in a LOT of trouble afterwards.

I have had other strange teachers, but I don't want to bore you to death.