Hello readers (: Let me just thank you for reading this, the first of hopefully many stories to come. This is a short story obviously, but I hope to drabble in some longer stories too. They might not all work out though... bear with me. But for now, here's a story I wrote a little while ago :D R&R would be nice, please(: Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Les Mis or Wicked, cuz I'd be bloody rich if I did.
It takes a lot to make an actress cry; really great actresses, at least. These actresses can separate their emotions and send them to the back of their head, to store until they need to use them during a performance. I'm not going to lie, it can be incredibly hard to master, but when it's done right you'd be able to control not only when you cry, but when not to cry.
As for me, I've been working on this skill since forever. It's not hard for me to push tears to the side, and, not even show how you're really feeling. Though honestly I haven't really found many things in my life worth crying over. Most teenage girls will cry about silly things. My twin sister Hannah has only cried three billion times over the same guy- one guy she happens to still be dating, might I add. Maybe I'm the last of the teenage girl population to feel this way, but guys really aren't worth tears. If I didn't cry when I (accidentally) killed a bird, there's no way I'd cry over cliché teen drama. Most girls in their four years of highschool probably waste a ton of tears, and not to mention the lowering of their grades because they aren't focused, because of their "perfect boyfriend" who they'll never see again come college. Call me crazy, but I don't think I wanna go there.
You may say I have a wall around my heart, but that would be incredibly cheesy; the wall is around my brain, not heart. You don't think with your heart, no matter what dumb romance novels will tell you. If you want to be specific, the wall is around the small part of my brain where emotions are held. No one goes in, nothing comes out.
Most walls eventually break, though. All it took for me was a boy – my best friend – to make me sound incredibly hypocritical, and make that wall around my brain fall like the London Bridge.
Something I should mention about Zaiden- he's not only my best friend, but just about my only friend. I guess when you grow up with one person of the opposite sex that's constantly around you, the feeling of loving him like a brother… well, eventually you start to love him not like a brother.
It's not like I show my ever-so-slight feelings for him, of course. Even before I started acting, I've always done well with hiding my emotions. If anyone were to ask me about my feelings for him, I'd bluntly lie. Even if it were my sister, who's my only other best friend (though that's been changing slowly, ever since she's had zero time not commited to her boyfriend Xavier, or her dance obsession), there's no way I'd say anything. Sometimes I feel like a knight; any chip in my armor could be my downfall.
And Zaiden is my downfall.
It happened while my family was at Zaiden's family's house, who happen to be our neighbors and close friends. Besides our families, all the neighbors on our small street and even some of their friends attended. These people I've grown up with, and although I've been closer with some people here (like Zaiden), it doesn't mean I don't know everyone else. There's a ton of high school kids at these little friendly get-togethers, but there's no one else I'm really close with.
We were barbequing, even though it was barely spring. It was one of those annoying transition days, where it was warm enough to be without a jacket, but there was still that bitter chill in the air. The backyard was packed, but it wasn't a claustrophobic kind of packed; the yard felt nice and cozy, like you were with people who fully cared about you, even if you've never spoke to half of them before. I was listening to my ipod, which was currently repeating the song "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Misérable.
Just a month ago our school musical ended after an amazing performance of the show Wicked- which I was lucky enough to be one of the first sophmores in a long time to land a leading role, getting chosen to play Elpheba- and since then I've had absolutely nothing to do. All my upperclass friends that I made during the musical didn't really talk to me anymore, since I wasn't "the sophmore who got the lead role" anymore, I was back to "the sophmore who people ignore, the twin of Hannah". Even Zaiden, who as a junior was given the role of Elpheba's love interest Fiero (which was not as fun as it sounds, especially the kiss scene, trust me), went back to being a full-blown athlete, blowing me off to practice whatever sport was going on at the moment. So since I was back to being the friendless girl everyone looked past, it was decided I needed another gig.
So between the very difficult decision of being a pothead or trying out for the community theater's production of Les Mis, I chose the latter. The only thing was they actually wanted you to try out with a song from the musical. Thankfully I saw the show before this, so I was aware of the plot and some songs. It actually happens to be my favorite musical, just because it's from the past, yet it can still be relatable. So eventually I chose to sing "I Dreamed A Dream". Although I hoped to land the the character Eponine (which was a long shot, but she is my dream role), I figured so many people would be singing "On My Own", along with "Castle On A Cloud". The song just needed to show off my talents, after all.
While I was listening to my ipod, I drifted off to watching everyone and what was going on around me. Hannah was practicing some dance number with Echo, another neighbor. They looked pretty good, and less provacative than usual; normally I'd tease Hannah about having to use a pole in her next song. Shifting my eyes to the right, I saw that my parents were acting like lovesick teenagers as usual- which now that I think of it, that may be where Hannah gets it from. Looking away from them as quickly as possible, I searched for the person I was looking for to begin with: Zaiden. It wasn't too hard to find him, sitting right under the oak tree in his backyard, the very same oak tree that I watched him fall out of and break his arm when we were kids.
Obviously, he and I have changed since then, both physically and mentally. While I seemed to stay the same size since sixth grade (a whopping five foot two, thank you genetics), Zaiden shot up like a rocket the moment he turned fourteen, soon being able to tower over me like a giant tree. The cute boyish curls of his hair straightened out, but it still was the same golden brown color. As for my hair, it remained the same plain old straight brown hair it always has been- though I must admit my color does have a similar tinting to his, almost like we're related. Since the rest of me is all pale skin and washed away features, I guess my best quality in the looks area would be my sapphire-blue eyes. Zaiden's eyes, though, they're brown; but even though people always associating brown eyes with 'blah' and 'boring', I happen to think his eyes are incredibly gorgeous. This isn't even being cheesy either, I swear. Between his eyes and his twin sister Zabrina's eyes (oh yeah, we're both twins- how weird is that?), I could stare into them forever. I happen to love my color eyes, but his I would trade for anything.
Anyway, he was talking to Ivy, some girl (who is all skin and bones, in my opinion) who's friends with his family. They would talk sometimes, and have been on a few dates. I suppose I should be jealous and upset over them, but they don't honestly talk enough, for me to spend my nights worrying about if they'll get together. Yeah, they went on one- maybe two?- dates together, but afterwards they wouldn't talk for a couple days, so I figure she was a phase he'd grow out of, like Silly Bandz or Tamagotchis. Besides, Zaiden and I are only friends, and he talks to lots of girls, most of which I probably never see him talk to. It would be irrational of me to think negative thoughts towards every girl he makes contact with.
That's what I did think, at least, until I watched as he leaned over and kisssed her. He kissed her, just like that. It looked so simple, so natural, that it almost looked like they've done it before. Then she looked up and smiled at him… and from across the lawn, I could her say "Thank you." Thank you, as if it was Christmas morning and that was his freaking gift towards her. Really? The cheesy girls in the books I read don't even say "thank you" when a guy kisses them!
At that moment a physical change took part inside me. It felt as if someone had ripped my insides out, and what was left inside me was coming up my throat, trying to choke me until I was sick.
It reminded me of the scene in Wicked that took place between Elphaba and Fiero, when Fiero leaves Elphaba to go with Galinda. It was that scene where Elphie realized her feelings for him, and then she sings the song "I'm Not That Girl". It was a beautiful song, but heartwrenching if done properly. Obviously at the time I didn't know what it truly meant to feel completely alone, completely unloved. I did not know the feeling until that very moment in my neighbor's backyard, when I watched my best friend – my secret first love – kiss someone he obviously had feelings for, instead of me.
And that was the moment I experienced heartbreak for the first time, ever.
And now I'm all alone again nowhere to go, no one
to turn to
without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
The next day, I had my audition for Les Mis. I decided to change my song last minute from "I Dreamed A Dream" to "On My Own", because of the circumstances from the day before. When you figure out how a character really feels over time, I suppose it's a definite advantage towards getting the part. And if anything came out positive during that experience, it was that Eponine was truly my character- or I was truly like her, I guess.
Honestly though, if I was on the outside of this whole situation that arose- say Hannah was acting like how I was acting about the problem- I know I'd be rolling my eyes and calling her overdramatic. I know I'm acting dramatic, but all actresses are drama queens, right? One thing's for sure, I'll certainly feel for Hannah next time she has an issue like this… or maybe I won't, if it's about Xavier again.
Anyway, when I walked onto the stage during the audition that day, and my usual stomach of nerves wasn't there at all. Though I guess it could be because only a month ago I was on stage in front of the whole school, and the three people who were sitting out in the seats to watch me was nothing compared to my classmates. But it was only my second audition, so I should've felt something. Yet I felt nothing, as I stated my name and age, and then nodded towards the piano player to begin.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
I walk with him till morning
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
Glancing at the men and women in the crowd, I could easily figure out that they were interested in me; by the looks of it, it was probably just for my voice, though. I felt myself holding back, in fear of something inside me that I was afraid to come barreling out. That moment I realized how stupid holding emotions back really was, because no matter what you still feel them, even if you don't show it. So I did something an actor only would hope to do correctly- using that special acting method, I focused all the emotions I've felt in the last twenty-four hours and pulled them into my song, intertwining my feelings with the words. You can listen to a song for a billion times and never hear it to its full potential; I'm proud to say that during that audition, with zero preparations, I finally understood one hundred percent the emotions Eponine succumb to in that song.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I didn't realize at the time, but by this point tears were silently sliding down my cheeks. Real tears obviously, but I'm guessing to the people watching the audition they thought otherwise. Those guys must really think I'm into the character (or am just crazy, which I'm starting to agree on)- and, well, they'd only be half right.
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
It takes a lot to make an actress cry; really great actresses at least. These actresses can separate their emotions and send them to the back of their head, to store until they need to use them during a performance. I've always been able to hold back the tears, push them away, but for once I let them fall. I let them show just another of my acting strengths through the song, but more importantly I showed that for once I have feelings. Because for once my thoughts were not about Eponine, and about how she would feel during this song. For once I knew exactly what I was feeling when I sang it, and how right the words truly were.
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own
Eponine has always been my dream role, and by the time I left that audition I had a good feeling that I would be getting a callback, and maybe even the part. I had exactly what I wanted, and I should have been ecstatic. But the truth was I was no where near ecstatic, because even though I landed the role and the spotlight, the most important thing was still not mine. I was still alone, while my sister had her long-term boyfriend. I was still alone, when just about everyone on my block would walk outside hand-and-hand with their boyfriend or girlfriend. I was still alone, while the guy I've always thought about when it came to love wasn't thinking about me, but some random girl that he's only known for a short amount of time.
Being along never use to care to me. I guess when everyone around you is off into happy couple-land it starts getting to you. I'm not really saying I want to be with someone, because I don't. I just don't want to be the only alone one on this planet.
And needless to say, I- Delilah Allen- was completely and utterly alone.