I sat by myself on the large couch of my darkened living room, staring at the images dancing across our TV screen, but not really taking in anything about the plot or character of the movie my sister and her girlfriend had picked for us to watch. It was an action flick, lots of blood, explosions, and car chases- but tonight I had no interest or attention span at all. This was getting to be a usual occurrence for me around those two…1

Maeve, my sister, and her girlfriend Giselle, were sitting on the recliner together, literally lying on top of each other, since it's only made for one person to sit in. They weren't making out or anything, just kind of pressed up on each other. My sister had her head leaned on Giselle's shoulder, and Giselle had an arm around her almost absently as they watched the movie. It was nothing explicit or distracting- or it wouldn't be to anyone but me. But my heart was beating at the overachieving rate it always did around them, my palms sweating… my body felt stiff, unyielding, so I had to force my limbs to lie naturally, loosely. My eyes kept drifting their way, actively and unwillingly setting myself up for torture.2

Before I go into this any further, let me assure you that I have no problems with lesbians. I mean, whatever makes you happy, floats your boat and all that. I'm not as phobically and outspokenly horrified by homosexuals as most 16-year-old guys. I guess I figure, I know I'm straight, why worry about whether everyone else is? I know I'm not such a stud that every gay guy in the country will want me- and definitely not all the gay girls.3

It helps to have an older sister who is gay too, I guess. Maeve came out when she was thirteen- probably almost as soon as she realized she was a lesbian herself. She's never been one to conceal her feelings, unlike me. I was eleven at the time and so hadn't really much thought about homosexuality. My parents were supportive of Maeve, and Maeve herself seemed at ease with her sexuality- she was never really harassed like a lot of gay kids, probably because by that point everyone in her class knew her well enough to know about her sharp tongue. Maeve's never had difficulty sticking up for herself, or anyone else either. But anyway, Maeve being a lesbian for so long has pretty much vanished any homophobic thoughts or prejudices I might have had.4

I do, however, have issues whenever I see my sister and Giselle, her girlfriend, together. It absolutely kills me to be in the same room with them together, let alone watch them hold hands or give each other googly eyes. Forget about kissing- I always have to physically remove myself from the room, or turn away. Not because I'm disgusted, or think what they're doing is wrong- but because I'm jealous.5

That's right, jealous. I am crazily, insanely jealous of Maeve right now, and I always will be for what she now has and I never will- Giselle.6

The irony of me wanting my sister's girlfriend is pretty humorous, I guess- unless, of course, you're in my shoes. But what makes it especially frustrating- much more so than if it was merely my brother whose girlfriend I coveted- is that the unfortunate object of my obsession is not even attracted to those of my gender. In other words, even if Maeve and Giselle break up, I cannot swoop in and snatch Giselle up. I wouldn't stand even as slim a chance as other younger brothers might. Giselle won't care if I'm big for my age or mature or experienced- because she's not interested in anyone lacking ovaries.7

It seems totally and completely unfair to me. I mean, here I am, having had a crush on Giselle from the time I was a freshman- that's two years now, if you're too lazy to do the math- just daydreaming about how one day I'll fill out, get nice and manly and muscular so it won't matter that I'm two years younger than Giselle. Then, of course, she would notice my stunning new physique- which still has not arrived, by the way- and be unable to resist me and my charm. I would become the envy of all the other guys my age and infuriate the guys in hers- and of course, Giselle would be devoted to me.8

How was I supposed to know that a year after my fixation began, she'd come out as a lesbian? What, I ask you, are the freaking chances?9

The first time Maeve brought Giselle home with her- the very first time I got a glimpse of her in my very house, touching things I had touched, standing where I had stood- I could hardly believe my luck. Giselle was here in my house- she couldn't help but see me, pay attention to me! Surely Maeve would introduce me- maybe they'd get to be best friends, as girls so weirdly call themselves- and I would get to see Giselle all the time, in my own house, where there were no older and better-looking guys to compete for her attention. Maybe I had a chance after all…10

So there I was, at that first glance, practically ecstastic, but trying to act cool, like there was nothing particularly exciting about Maeve bringing Giselle home. The anticipation remained- until the greetings to the family were made, and Maeve introduced Giselle to us as her girlfriend.11

Naturally that crushed me, not to mention shocked me. Prejudiced or not, I honestly did not think that girls as sexy as Giselle could be gay. Don't' get me wrong, my sister's not ugly or mannish or anything- she's probably nice enough looking- but I'd never think of her as hot. Yeah, she's my sister, so I wouldn't think of her as hot anyway- but just trust me when I say Maeve is no comparison to Giselle. So how could Giselle be gay?12

It's bad enough to realize a girl isn't interested in you, but to have her not interested in you because she's interested in your sister? I don't' care how unfeminist or unliberal that makes me sound- it feels like a dirty blow, let me tell you.13

Just to make it all the better, their relationship- the word still makes me cringe inwardly- wasn't just a fling or a two-week thing. Maeve and Giselle have been dating over a year now, and now that they're 18, it's pretty serious between them. They're going to graduate soon, and they're already having serious talks about how it will work between them afterward. I know this not because I'm eavesdropping- I'm not that masochistic- but because my sister has no concept of keeping her thoughts to herself. Which only makes it harder for me, to hear her talking about "us" and "we" and "Giselle and me" all the time.14

Over a year now I've had to suffer through watching my sister with the girl I've obsessed over- my sister's eyes meeting hers in some shared thought, my sister's body wrapped in Giselle's arms, my sister's lips on Giselle's… my sister, receiving Giselle's spoken expressions of love. My family adores Giselle, has practically adopted her- so there is practically no end to the amount of time I am tortured by the sight of her with my sister.15

If it is cruel and selfish to wish for your sister's unhappiness and heartbreak, for her to discover that her lover is unfaithful and does not return her love, then I'm probably one of the most evil people ever.16

Somehow the movie had come to an end without my notice as I had let my thoughts drift from it to the figures in the armchair. As the credits began to roll, Maeve and Giselle sat up, bumping and brushing each other easily, Maeve half sitting on Giselle's lap. 17

"It's getting late, Maeve," Giselle yawned, her arm still curved around my sister's shoulders. "I should get going."18

"No, don't," Maeve said sleepily, snaking her arms around Giselle's waist and putting her head against her chest. "Stay…"19

Laughing a little, Giselle hugged her, laying her cheek briefly on top of Maeve's head. I couldn't take it- I turned my head, started to clear my throat uncomfortably without meaning to. I stood to leave, but Giselle turned her head toward me.20

"Did you like the movie, Tyler? You were pretty quiet."21

She was speaking to me- and as usual, my throat caught for a moment, my ears reddened. It took me a while to think straight enough to answer her, as usual. 22

"Yeah," I muttered. Yeah, way to impress her, Tyler.23

"Tyler was in TV land," Maeve said facetiously, moving her head a little against Giselle."Nothing else registers."24

Giselle smiled, and I couldn't help but think with some resentment how off Maeve really was.25

As Giselle eventually eased Maeve off of her gently, as their arms slid around each other in a goodbye embrace, I looked away again, waiting for her to leave at last. Even as I knew they were kissing, even as I heard Giselle whisper to Maeve that she loved her, I still had this crazy hope in my chest.26

Maybe if she was around me, I could eventually affect her, turn her straight- or at least bi. I mean, maybe- hey, stranger things have happened, right?