This is rated T, but could probably be rated M. Many people could find this offensive - it is not meant to be. Please note that I am not a racist, sexist, or discriminate against anybody. I hate everybody equally.


I went for a walk
Sat at the edge of a cliff
Watched the clouds, and thought

Thinking random thoughts
Thinking about what to do
I came up with this

I decided to
Write the random thoughts and strange
High jinks in my life

My life is boring
So I thought I should also
Include other things

I came up with this
I would also write about
People in my life

Their lives are better
Entertaining and funny
Are those special folks

Those folks I call friends
And loved ones, they are goofy
But I love them so

Keep this secret, don't
Tell them 'bout this story or
About these haiku

How much money does Bill Gates consider pocket change? Why do we never see Pokémon die or have sex? If a tree falls in a forest, does anybody really care? If Bobby the Astronaut visits other planets, does that mean that other planets can visit Bobby? If the moon was made of cheese, don't you think that mice would have already invented space travel? If humans are at the top of the food chain, then why did Charlie just get eaten by a mountain lion? In a cannibalistic society, a vegetarian is the freak. Why anime eyes so weird looking? I want to discover two different species of butterflies and give them both the exact same 50-letter-long name. I am entirely fluent in Spanish-o, gibberish, and whale. Every time I drink from a [plastic] "natural spring" water bottle I always check the ingredients. I filled a bowl full of ice cubes and low fat, hand-churned cream and mixed it up really well…but it doesn't taste the same. I watched Power Rangers on TV and was inspired so I punched my brother in the face, but sparks didn't come out. I was confused when I saw this in a videogame: you activated a turret downgrade power-up. My bedroom light switch has three settings. I think all women are too sexy for their shirts. I got excited when I heard I was getting thongs for Christmas, but I was disappointed when all I got was flip-flops. I have decided that I will no longer procrastinate…starting tomorrow. My brother asked me if I could teach him to juggle, so I handed him four steak knives and sent him to the backyard so he could practice. I found Waldo and killed him…that taught that sneaky bastard that I don't play games with people in red and white stripes. The chicken came first, then the rooster, then the egg. If bigfoot exists, I think my dad is related to him. Do all Japanese people believe in Godzilla? I want to pull the pins out of every grenade but then put the pins back in a split-second before the grenades blows up so when someone pulls the pin out to use their grenade, they explode. My plan for world peace: kill everyone else. I made a pitchfork out of my Nintendo 64 controller and a stick. I went to the dollar store and bought a tiny American flag…the sticker said "made in China". What color is an albino polar bear? When I saw Siamese twins the other day, I couldn't help but think, "which one is the evil one?" My double-barrel shotgun has three triggers. How come the guns in Star Wars never have to be reloaded or recharged? If Stars Wars happened so long ago and they had so advanced technology, then shouldn't they have gotten to Earth by now? My brother broke a Guinness World Record for booger-flicking. My goldfish died because he couldn't swim…the poor guy drown. I want to bury a guy neck-deep in the sand and then put "caution—police tape—crime scene" tape all around him. I put a Menorah at the top of my Christmas tree instead of a star. I'm behind you right now. Jesus went to Hell for three days before rising again…I kinda want to know why the Son of God went to Hell…as in, what did he do to deserve it? I bought a tape recorder, recorded me farting every three minutes, went to Sunday mass, duct-taped the recorder under a pew, turned the volume all the way up, pushed play, got up, offered my seat to a lovely old lady, and left the church. Walmart doesn't sell the supplies I need to build a wall. If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? Military schools in Switzerland teach people how to be neutral. How do you kill someone in hot blood? When we were in Chicago, I convinced my brother that he was invisible, but his clothes were not, so he stripped down to his birthday suit and ran around the city…until he was caught by the police. This morning, I put three times the recommended amount of laxatives in my dad's coffee. I made a wind chime out of tampons. Adam's first words to Eve were, "Madam, I'm Adam"…it took me almost two freakin' years to start talking, how the hell does he know how to talk instantly? I keep my unicorn tied up in the backyard next to my Leprechaun. I tried to shoot an apple off my brother's head from sixty yards away...I told him he would laugh about it later. I went to an arcade but I couldn't figure out how to play any of the games because they were too simple…there were only two buttons and just one joystick! I went to a garage sale and actually bought the garage.