This is rated T, but could probably be rated M. Many people could find this offensive - it is not meant to be. Please note that I am not a racist, sexist, or discriminate against anybody in particular. I hate everybody equally.

Why is it called a woodchuck if it can't chuck wood? My fake ID consists of me drawing a mustache on my driver's license. My five hour energy lasted only two hours…I was angry. I just set my neighbor's car on fire. Do prostitutes carry change? I want my own theme song. I didn't lose my mind…I just misplaced it. Don't ask me how I got splinters in my ass…just help me get them out! I have heard many comedians say that their kid put a sandwich in the VCR, so I tried it…and the Spanish version of Toy Story started playing. If a tree assaults you in the forest and no one is around to arrest it, did a crime really happen? The "Biggest Loser" should be renamed the "Thinnest Winner". What is my Smart Car's IQ? If I have multiple personalities, and I kill myself, is it suicide or murder? Do flying fish really fly or do they fall with style? I pushed my brother out of a twenty-ninth-story window and watched him…he didn't fly or fall with style…he only landed messily. I like to prank my elderly neighbor…two days ago I put a bowl of warm water on his porch, rang the doorbell, and ran like hell…last night I broke into his house and put his hand in a flaming bag of poo. I brought armor, a shield, and a sword to a knife fight. To everyone who has been to Disney World: Extreme! What do you call an octopus with nine arms? I bet my brother ten bucks that he couldn't stare at the sun for an hour straight…I lost that bet…but I never knew messing with a blind guy could be so much fun! I don't hate…I dislike with great intensity. How do you know that is what she said? I had no idea how messy food fights were…and they can't prove I started anything. I'll stop procrastinating tomorrow. Life gave me lemons but not any sugar. My brother wanted me to make him a grilled cheese…so I threw a slice of good ol' American cheese on the grill (it caught fire). Vegetarian chicken nuggets taste like fish. I found no olives nor anything resembling a garden at Olive Garden…I sued for false advertisement. If a tree falls on a clown in the forest and no one is around to help him, will all the animals laugh? Is it sad or funny if a clown dies? It's so sad when a Smart Car is involved in a car crash…there are so many clown fatalities. Overpopulation leads to world hunger…nukes are my solution. Why is Jack in a box? I swear it was like that when I got here! I was scared half to death twice. I was arrested and used my phone call to order a pizza. I taught my Brazilian parrot how to talk…but I'm still unable to have a conversation with it because I can't understand its accent. 97% of all people will die eventually. I don't want peace of mind…I'd prefer a whole one. My heart is way too lazy to attack me. I filled out a FAFSA application yesterday…on a positive note, I can cancel my haircut appointment. Humpty Dumpty didn't fall…I pushed him (but you can't prove anything). HOLY CRAP, WHO'S THAT…?