I Am Your...


I am your once plain glass of water, waiting to be sipped. I am glad to say I'm no longer plain, isn't it wonderful?

I now have a nice seasoning of this stuff called A-R-S-E-N-I-C.


I am an old gas stove. You've forgotten to turn me off now that I'm no longer cooking your muffins, so I just sit and burp out gas.

No sparks, please, or we'll all be baking.


I am your drain cleaner and a celebrity, made famous as a weapon of crazy, attention seeking caretakers*.

Best be careful not to let me get in the wrong hands, then down the wrong pipe…If you know what I mean.


I am a washcloth, on your bathroom floor. You've dropped me, and right now your foot is about to crush me, and slip.

The snap of your neck will be drowned out by the patter of the shower.


I am your toaster. I belong in your kitchen, but someone decided to drop me into your bathtub.

While you are still in it.

Taking a bubble bath.


I am a simple potato peeler. A random psychopath has bought me for about ten dollars, then decided he prefers people just like he does his potatoes: all the skin peeled off, the eyes* cut out.

I am a cheese grater, and I enjoy making myself as useful as possible. Imagine my delight when someone awards me with a complimentThat I was the best exfoliant they'd used on someone's face…Ever!


*-Münchausen syndrome by proxy (MSbP), when one either makes or keeps another sick (usually for attention).

*-Dunno how many know, but in case note: the spuds/sprouts on a potato are called eyes sometimes.

I hope you enjoyed, or are emotionally scarred—I mean, more aware of your surroundings.